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When does the pain begine to subside???

Guest JoAnn

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Hey everyone

I, too, have been guilty of lurking around these boards. It has been too difficult for me to explain how I have been feeling since watching my best friend/Mom die of this insidious disease. She finally lost her battle August 31. :cry:

I got to spend several quality weeks with her, travelling back and forth from where I live in Ocala Florida to New Hampshire where she lived with my step dad ( my "Pops"). I skipped a week because I HAD to go back to work for a week, and the last week I saw her she was in a coma and in Cheyne Stokes breathing pattern. This was VERY difficult to watch. The nurses there at Exeter Hospital were the nicest people I have ever encountered in a hospital environment. They were SO caring....they offered all our family food, pillows, drinks...shoulders to cry on...whatever we needed. ( There were 25 of us there ...was no small feat!!)

The caring environment of that hospital made the transition into her death a little easier. Hospice even had a paper on what to expect when someone was in the stages of dying. It explained the erratic breathing pattern created when one is in a coma, called Cheyne Stokes, which was SO hard to watch. The paper also explained that when someone is dying, the last thing to go is the hearing...SO...if any of you have loved ones in comas, PLEASE talk to them...they CAN hear you. They cannot respond, but at least you are giving them the comfort they need knowing you are there by their side. We all went in one at a time, told mom we loved her and that is was ok for her to go and be with her mom and dad, her bother , and scores of other loved ones we have lost. She held on until Saturday night, Aug 31...she waited for my cousin Jennifer to arrive from Las Vegas before she went into renal failure and left us. Jennie was like a 2nd daughter to her, so I know she wanted to be sure Jennie got to say her goodbyes. :cry:

My pops and I stayed at that hospital for 3 days straight....never leaving...and talking to my mom, holding her hand, massaging her feet, washing her hair, cleaning out her mouth...whatever we felt we could do to make her feel comfortable. We both sat straight up at the exact minute she took her last breath - looked at each other with tears in our eyes and said "She's gone isn't she?"

My mom touched SO many people. She was an angel on earth and I don't know what I am going to do without her. I am her only daughter, and she understood me like no other. I still try to call her every weekend...a hard habit to break since I have been calling her for 20+ years every weekend.

I'm rambling, I know....but I miss her so much I cannot stand it!!!!

Thanks for listening...I am still praying for all of you that have this disease of are dealing with someone that has it or have lost someone too.

In lieu of flowers, donations were made to the American Cancer Society...maybe someday they will find a cure for this horrible disease.

Take care everyone....God Bless



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From your post one can see the great love you have/had for your mom. She is only gone out of sight. She will be around to hear you and watch over you. I pray you find peace with her passing for she will no longer have to suffer this horrible disease of lung cancer.

I to lost my mom the same way 32 years ago this past Aug 3 and I still think about her often. I know she looks after me for I am the only one left on this earth that she bore. My family is all together looking down on me everyday. This I find comfort in and know that I too will someday be with them again.

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Reading your post and the replies is almost too painful. The pain I feel from the loss of my Dad is still so fresh. It hasn't even been a month. I experienced almost exactly what you did and that is why I needed to respond to you. I find myself coming back to this board a couple of times a day because I need to feel connected to those that can understand. And just maybe I can help someone else not feel so alone. This is the place to be and it's good you're here.

I'll be thinking of you and your family.


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Keeping you and your family in my prayers, JoAnn. I am so glad you were in such caring hands during those last days. I think the fact that your mother had 25 of you there to share your love with her and be there to support each other is such a testimony to the kind of person she was. I know that when my father-in-law passed away, we had a similar number at the house when they came to get his body. It was such a hard moment but then one of the drivers said "Man, when I go, I hope I have a crowd like this to send me off. Your dad must have been a great man." That was such a helpful moment for my husband and his brothers at that point since it was still hard to fathom what had occurred. You know, sometimes people don't know what to say, sometimes they say stupid things unknowingly, and sometimes someone says just the right thing for that moment, which is very helpful when you are going along moment by moment for quite a while.

Wishing you helpful moments of peace and comfort in the days ahead.

God bless~

Karen M.

In loving memory of

Father-in-law Salvador Castillo Marez

(SCLC) Nov. 16-1946 ~ Aug. 13, 2003

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Thank you every one of you for all of your kind words...I cried with each post I read in response to what I had written about my mom.

Katie: I was saddened to hear that your dad passed away. You two LOOK like best buds in that picture. It's amazing how you can actually feel the pain that others are going through when losing someone to cancer. It's like we have this common bond - albeit a horrible one...but it makes you feel like there is always someone to talk to that understands what it's like to lose someone so close to you.

Norme: WOW...still feeling the loss of your mom after 32 years?? I know it probably doesn't sting nearly as much as when it first happened, but it's sad to know that you never really get over losing your parents.

Kris: Nice (and not nice at the same time...mixed emotions here) to know that someone experienced the Cheyne Stokes breathing. I am having a very difficult time getting those last 3 days out of my head. It's like a tape that is on a continuous loop that keeps repeating over and over again. The one thing that gives me solace is the fact that I was there with my family and we all continured to talk to mom so she would feel loved and safe.

It's been 2 months since mom died and I still feel like I hear her talking to me. I miss her terribly, but I also didn't want her to suffer, as I am very sure you also didn't want your dad to suffer. Believe me...they are in a much better place. ( Old cliche' I know, but it holds true.)

Each day that goes by gets a little bit easier. I still have my bad days, don't get me wrong, but time does heal all wounds.

RICH: Thanks so much for all of those links to sites regarding the grieving process. I shared them with my fiance because he is one of those guilty of saying "you should be feeling better by now" to me when I am having a sad day thinking about my mom. I shared a few of the pages with him so he could gain a better understanding of the fact that that everyone grieves in a different manner and time frame.

KAREN: I had a nurse make a comment to me when I was cleaning out my mom's mouth. ( it got SO dry and cracked from the way she was breathing - I couldn't bear to let her lips be like that.) She looked at me and asked me if I had ever considered becoming a hospice nurse because of the level of compassion/caring she said she saw within me. I told her that I wasn't sure if I would be able to do that, but it kind of made me think about it....she distracted me from the situation at hand and made me feel really good about myself at a time when I thought my world was caving in on me. People can really surprise you at times that's for sure!

Anyway....I ramble a LOT...please forgive me!! ( Can you imagine me trying to write a BOOK???)

This board is wonderful...it's nice to feel like I am not crazy for still having nights when I cry myself to sleep because I miss my mom so much.

You guys are the best...God Bless each and every one of you.

You and your families will be in my prayers as always.

Take good care of yourselves


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