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Stupid Labels...


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OKInsider Columnist

(OK) In case you needed further proof that the human race is in dire straits because of blatant stupidity, here are some actual label instructions found recently on various department store items. You'd think the population could navigate life without these "stupidity" warnings but that's apparently not the case. The following list gives you an example of how low the top of the food chain has plummeted over the eons.

Idiot label on a bag of Fritos salsa chips: You could be a winner. No purchase necessary. Details inside. I'm positive many people are tempted to walk out of the store with the bag while waving this offer at the high school age appearing security guard standing by the exit but in my case my back couldn't withstand being tackled and wrestled

to the ground. I may send a brief email to the Frito-Lay Corporation asking them how consumers are supposed to handle this catch-22 offer.

Caution tag on a Sear's deluxe hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. I have enough trouble getting to sleep and staying in that relaxed state without having any additional nocturnal requirements added to the challenge.

Dial soap instructions: Use like regular soap. And the other way would be how? Then again, I'm pretty sure I don't want to know.

Swanson frozen TV dinners sports this novel idea: Defrost before consuming. Do a lot of people tend to eat frozen foods without popping them into the microwave oven? I suppose that would account for the high percentage of folks missing some of their teeth.

Another worthwhile suggestion was found on a Takamatsu Tiramisu gourmet dessert container: Do not turn upside down. Crap! I wish I'd seen that before flipping it over; I always eat my food from the bottom up, don't you?

Jell-O gelatin has a wonderful warning for the refrigeration impaired: Product may melt after heating. Whew, I read this one just in the nick of time.

Sticker on the top of a national brand steam iron: Do not iron clothes on body. This sucks, what are we supposed to do when we're running a bit late? Could this be the reason we have wash and wear clothes? I'll bet there's a warning label for these in the works advising us not to wear them in the washer and dryer.

Big warning label on national brand children's over-the-counter cough medicine: Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication. Parents have got to stop giving a spare set of car keys to little 3rd grade Johnny. Just last week he was spotted driving around in a big dump truck he "borrowed" from a construction yard on

his way home from school.

Nytol sleep aid breaks this startling news to the hapless consumer: Warning: May cause drowsiness. If I believed that were true I might give it a try tonight.

Typical warning printed on many brands of Chinese manufactured Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. OK, I give up, what's the alternative use for these things? Never mind, I just remembered an Internet photo of Billy Bob the Redneck and his year round front porch decorations.

Another Chinese product, a vibrator, offers this plausible suggestion: Not to be used for the other use. I think I know where they're going with this one.

Terrific insight on a gallon container of national brand salted peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. I'm fairly suspect of the nut that came up with this label addition.

Printed instructions on a major airlines packet of salted peanuts that replaced the real meal we used to get while flying: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts. And people wonder why I get so nervous about flying these days. I think I'll stick to driving or taking the bus or train.

A sew-in tag for a children's superman Halloween costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. Hello, parents, if your kid is so stupid as to believe putting on a costume conjures up super powers then all of you may need some therapy-soon.

There were more stupidisms but I figured this list would have you shaking your head and wondering whether or not you're part of the problem or a possible ray of hope and rational thought in a world that seems to be stuck on stupid.

Be careful out there, we're surrounded by them.

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