Small steps

[teriw]

Tonight I took two small steps in an attempt to move forward. Rather than making me feel I was moving away from Bill, they made me feel we were moving forward together in our respective new places. I felt him nudging me. I felt him close. I felt stronger and determined.

It's been a tough week. I went back to work last week, and it went okay. But I over-extended myself in multiple ways throughout last week, the weekend, and early this week. Had a major melt-down on Monday, and struggled through the week. But it was a good thing. Or rather, a necessary thing.

The two things I did were to take down the sympathy cards and birthday cards (and father's day cards) that were all over the living room, and are still coming in the mail. And replace them with the family photos that used to occupy the space. The other thing I did was to put away a comforter he had been using, which I had been keeping on top of our bed -- I thought it would bring me comfort. It never actually did, because he wasn't in it.

I guess by these two small steps, I felt one step closer to reclaiming my (our) house as a home, which it has not felt like at all since Bill has been gone. I don't want to continue to focus on his death in outward ways (with the cards, etc.), I want to "feel" and respect his life and the life we shared. He put his blood, sweat and tears into this house -- literally -- and I realized today that it was up to ME to make it a home again. It wasn't just going to happen.

(Pics are still all over the dining room though, and I still want them there -- one step at a time...)

Thanks for listening.

[RandyW]

Teri, Trust me you are doing great. THese things happewn for awhile and this is another "Normal" that we have to adjust to living with. Do what you want when you want. I have found with grief that there are no rules to live by..It may also elp you to start a memory box. I have a box wiht all thepictures and Memories of 10 years together in it for those really bad times, when i Need a pick me up. prayers and hugs is morning.

[ginnyde]

Yeah Teri. It is important to honor your relationship by living your life. You can tell from both your's and Bill's posts that you had an amazing love for each other. It is apparent that you both were strong people, I am sure that your strength was part of Bill's attraction to you. That strength allows you to never never forget Bill, to always have that love tucked in your heart and mind, but to move forward and live the life that Bill would have chosen for you.

Keep us posted of your baby steps.

[teriw]

Randy and Ginny,

Both of your words so expressed two things I've been thinking. Randy, I love the memory box idea. A friend of mine who also lost her husband said that she started putting their family albums into memory books -- choosing the best pics, writing about the times, etc. And that it helped to not see him as ill anymore. I loved that idea and thought it would be a great winter project (winter in Southern California -- go ahead and laugh, but it gets cold sometimes!)

Ginny, what you expressed I'm also feeling in that I'm really feeling pulled back into my photography, which along with writing, is my main creative outlet. (As well as wanting to finish the house, which I'm not so good at.) I did absolutely nothing creative as soon as the diagnosis came, although I had been scheduled to go on a big photography workshop down in Mexico -- I chose to cancel that, and Bill was SO upset about it, but he understood there was no way I could leave. He was without question my biggest cheerleader. Now I know he would want me to dig back in and use the grief in my creativity for a purpose.

Thanks for your input, because you're both people I always respect so much on here in how you help others and how you use your grief and heartache for the positive.

And even anger can be used for positive, because I felt anger last week and once I let it out, it was one of the main things that drove me to start to taking these steps.

Hugs & blessings,

[Littlegirl]

Oh Teri ~ it sounds like you are doing well. I know it must be so hard but I'm sure Bill is VERY proud that you are choosing to surround yourself with memories of Bill from when he was healthy and putting away those reminders of him being ill and passing away. (Those items have their spot in the memory box for those really hard days when you need a good cry.) And its GREAT that you are getting involved in those old hobbies again! Hang in there girl!

Karen