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I am having another of my frequent anxiety attacks. I have to confess to you something I said, and it hurts alot.

I believe it was the week before we called in hospice, but knew how desperate our situation was, I was talking to my brother (who lives in another state) on the phone. He and Rod were close but I think I have said before, Rod didn't talk about his feelings about his LC. My brother asked me if Rod was scared, since he was there in the kitchen, I asked him. He said no. That would be the end of it but I feel like I tasked him rather cavalierly. I don't want him to have thought I was just making a small thing of that question. I was also afraid to talk about our feelings, like if I did then he would, and I couldn't handle it if Rod was as scared as I was.

I hope someone knows what I am talking about.


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There were many times that we all "danced around" how we truely felt. Mom, my stepdad, we kids...all of us. Sometimes it was just too scarey to stare down the mouth of the beast and voice what was there. Other times I felt like I didn't want someone to think that I'd given up hope, so I swallowed all of my own feelings so that I could just keep smiling and being the one who never doubted (at least on the outside) that Mom would beat this.

He knew you, so of course he knew you weren't taking it lightly...he knew.

And we know because most of us have the same thoughts looking back.


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Yes, I understand. Different conversation, perhaps, but yes. I think Rod understood exactly what was happening. You were put on the spot and you didn't want to answer for him, so you asked him.

Bill had no problems talking about his LC or his feelings about death in general -- when he was the one initiating it. But there were touchy subjects that I took his lead on. Even earlier on in the illness, I know I said some things that may have come across insensitive or cavalier. Of course, I didn't mean them too. I was trying to handle this ginormous thing myself, as were you. Rod knew that, whether or not it was something you openly discussed.

I so understand the "replay" of conversation and events. I have found that it helps to put them out there, as you've just done, rather than mull them over alone.


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I don't imagine that there are any of us who haven't said something to someone that we wish we could take back , but when that person is gone forever it seems all those thoughts come back to us. As long as they were still alive, I guess we felt we could make up for it somehow or it wasn't such a big deal. We are all human and not infallible. Oh my goodness, I've lost count of the times I have beat myself up and even cried over thoughts that started with " If only" or "I wish I woulda" "maybe I shoulda" or "If I tried harder, I am sure I coulda "... etc. etc. Think we have all just been there done that and are doing that. I feel sure Rod knew how very much you loved him and that is what is important.



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I beat myself up for two years because I was afraid to tell Johnny how scared I was. I was afraid I would make things harder for him. Just 4 days before he died he said something that I think says it all. He said " Honey we are just too much alike and some things are just better left unsaid".

It took me a long time to realize that he was telling me that he understood what I was going through too. When I was tired and cranky and had no sleep or rest I would say things that I know I should never have said. I became impatient at a time when patience was needed most. Johnny understood and he forgave me long before I forgave myself.

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