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God this is so hard


Lillie

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Well guys I've had mama at the hospital now for two weeks! She is a tough old bird. She started actively dying Wednesday. She still is hanging on, she gets about 6-8 breaths an hour, still making pee, her heart rate has been running from 111-120 until today now it is 88-100, her blood pressure is still normal. She is getting 50 units of IV fluid just enough to keep her port open. On 100% oxygen. Getting breathing treatments of morphine, albuiteral and atrivent(SP on both) at least every 4 hours and can get them once an hour at our discreation. She really has major pain when she tries to cough. We let her cough some but our hearts won't let us make her continue as we do give her 10 of morphine. Right now she can get 10 once an hour. She gets it when she needs it not once an hour. She will occasionally suck a dab of water from a sponge. She stopped sucking from a straw on Wed. I stand over her with one of those glycrin swabs now soaked in water to put some moisture in her mouth. Yesterday I did manage to get 3 bites of chocolate ice cream in her two different times but today nothing but one suck off the sponge of ice water. I know I could sedate her into a death with all the morphine but OH GOD I can't do that unless there is real pain. Mamas doctor shook his head today and said she should have been gone weeks ago and he can give us no idea as to how long this can actually go on. I don't want to sound selfish, but I want my mama to go home now to be with God. I'm so tired of seeing her fight. Why won't she give up the ghost? We have all given her permission to go. She never wanted to die and I guess she still doesn't. How do we keep on going? I've lived at the hospital now for two weeks. I stand on my feet giving her drops of water, bathing her, cleaning her poop, putting in suppositories to make her poop, she was always such a private LADY and now has no dignity. I can't count the number of times I've pulled her gown down or the cover up to keep her from exposing her private parts(she would never do that in her right mind) My daddy no longer can come to the hospital. He sits and cries. He says he can not watch her die. They married when she was 14 and he 19 they have been married for 54 years. I am the oldest child at 53 my sister the youngest at 33. I have two brothers inbetween us girls. Mama's care has mostly been mine because my sister has small children. My brothers help but there is really only so much they can do being boys and respect mama. Has anybody else ever been thru this? How much longer do we have? When will it end? God I hope this message doesn't sound bad. I love my mama with all my heart, she is my best friend. I want to keep her forever but not like this. Hugs Lillie

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Lillie,

My dad held on for ten days. After TWO days, they said my dad had only hours to live....the next eight days were the HARDEST and longest days of my life.

You struggle inside yourself with the possibility of their death, and the shred of hope living inside your heart that a miracle might still happen.

I did not give my dad any pain meds for days. He seemed uncomfortable at times, but I did not want him knocked unconsious just for the sake of dying. When he became restless and seemed as though he were in pain, then, and only then, did I request the pain medication every 4-6 hours - just like he would take at home. The nurses tried to push it every hour too. I wouldn't have it.

It is hard, I know. My dad was a proud working man. A soldier once, a hero to me always...I hated seeing him like that, unable to do, unable to talk. I don't think about his "lost" dignity, as I hold on to the memory of what kind of father he was and the valiant and heroic way he dealt with his treatments and his cancer. That's the memory I try to hold on to.

We had a nurse tell us that if we speed up his pain meds to every hour, that he would pass of respiratory / pulmonary failure rather quickly (like - in less than one days time). WE did not choose to do that. We wanted him to go in his time, when God chose him. And still, in the back of my daddy's little-girl's mind, I wanted him to have a turn around, and get better. It's an emotional tug-o-war and it is so hard to keep it together in a time like this.

Ultimately, the time for him to go was 10 days after entering the hospital. ALL of us got to talk to him, spend time with him, tell him everything, tell him it was ok and that we would take care of mom, all the children came from out of state, and we even put the phone to his ear so that his aging brother could tell him his goodbyes.

Dad died 20 minutes after the last grandchild arrived to see him from MO.

As in life, my dad did it his way until the very end. I believe your mom is doing it her way- now too.

Hang in there. You're not being selfish- you are exhausted, emotionally and physically. This is probably one of the (if not THE) hardest things youve ever had to go thru. :cry:

This pain and the memory of what you are going thru is very very fresh in my mind.

I'm here if you need to talk.

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Lillie,

Wow when I read your post it sounded just like what I had been through with my mother who passed away two weeks ago. Just from what you are telling me it sounds like your mother should be at peace soon. My mother was also on the morphine and only would suck on a sponge the last few days. My family and I were constantly wetting her mouth with a sponge because we could tell that she was very dry. Her blood pressure never did drop prior to her passing but she did spike a fever of 106 just a few hours prior to the end. It was very painful watching her go through this and when she did pass I felt a small amount of relief that her battle was over and her pain was gone. Just keep talking to your mother as they told us the hearing is the last to go. We kept talking to Mom and told her that it was ok to go and that we would take care of Dad. When she did pass it was very peaceful. I hope and pray that you will find that peace soon with your mother.

Susan M.

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Lily,

I've been there with my Uncle, waiting for him to begin his journey to begin, and I pray that my Mother waits for years before making it there. I feel an overwhelming urge to reach out and hug you for I know this is the most difficult thing a child will have to go through.

May your family be blessed with all that God has to give, whatever that may be. Take care of yourself and may all the peace be with you. Please contact me for anything.

Heather

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(((((Lillie))))),

I wish I could hug you in person right now. I lost my Mom to cancer over 11 years ago but some days it still seems like yesterday. It sounds like your Mom is at about the same place mine was when God called her home. We all made sure to tell her how much we loved her and that it was OK for her to let go and go home to those who were waiting for her on the other side. Of course we all did so with tears and pain in our hearts because we didn't want to lose her either. Sometimes, when you can see that there is little hope, it is better to know that soon they will be in such a wonderful place that one day we can only hope to be there with them.

I will be praying for your Mom and Dad and for you all also. God Bless!

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Lillie,

How difficult this must be for you. I can remember being so exhausted when my parents died of cancer, two weeks a part from one another. I recall the guilt that I felt, torn between wanting them to die to end their suffering, and wanting to end my suffering as well.

Forever burned into my brain, the painful details of of their deaths. Painful for me to watch, but not painful for them to experience. Both had lapsed into comas and were not in any physical discomfort. Death by cancer is quite merciful in the end. However, it can leave the caretaker feeling so very helpless.

Just know that all that you are feeling is normal. It probably feels like all a blur right now, and you just go through the motions to get through it. I stayed in this mode for weeks, it is some sort of survival mode I guess. It felt all so "unreal" to me during that time.

Nobody tells you how your suppose to "be" during this phase....it is different for each one of us. I couldn't even cry. I was numb. Then, months later, it all hit me. I was overwhelmed by my emotions. Just know that we are all here for you. You will get through this my dear. I pray that God sends his Angels to watch over you and your family during this difficult time. If you need to talk I am here to listen, PM if you like.

Cheryl

Cheryl

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