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Feeling sad and alone right now


bam451

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I think I've been doing pretty well since my mom died. Maybe it's because we knew it was coming, maybe it's because we were so close and I have no regrets over anything. Some days I feel bad that I'm doing as well as I am. Don't get me wrong, I miss her like crazy. She was my best friend. I'm still not sure how to fill this void I have in my heart.

Today, my phone rang and it was an old friend of my moms. She had just found out that my mom was sick and died yesterday. She was heartbroken. I've never met the woman before, but heard a lot about her. She kept telling me how sorry she was and how wrong this was. She kept telling me how proud my mom was of me.. Which should comfort me, but it's so hard to hear sometimes. I know I was my moms world.. But with her gone, it leaves such a huge void.

Then she went on to tell me how much my mom meant to her. She is from China and has no family here at all. Seven years ago, she had her first child and my mom really took her under her wing and told her all about being a mom. As she told me all about it, I just lost it. Who's going to tell me all this stuff? God, how am I going to become a mom for the first time with out my mom? It's just so unfair.

I know there isn't anything anyone can say or do... I have great friends and family who are here for me, but it's not MY mom. I really feel alone and scared.

And my doctor wonders why I have high blood pressure = )

On top of all of this, this time of year is really hard.. On April 22nd, my husband and I celebrated our anniversary. It should be a fun time for us, but now I just think back about mom and all the fun she had and it becomes sad. May 3rd, I graduate from my 2nd masters. Mom was so excited and now she's not here to actually see it. On May 8th, I turn 30. Birthdays were so special for me and my mom. Then there's mothers day, which I can't seem to even imagine this year, and last, my parents 35th anniversary on the 19th. What a month...

Thanks for listening... I needed to vent somewhere.

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I completely "get" the laundry list of upcoming dates. My parent's anniversary is May 13th (which is also the day Mom was dignosed),and from there they just keep going. This time of year just stinks as far as I'm concerned.

Sending love and comforting thoughts your way,

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I completely understand how you are feeling.. My Dad just passed this last friday from sclc. Its ok to feel relief that it is over... i didnt at first... and maybe i still am not totaly there either. But today, I feel ok. I get the list thing too. My Dad was looking forward to alot of things in the upcoming month, my Mom's birthay, a vacation, my Dad was a veteran and the traveling Vietnam Wall is in our town this weekend.... I KNOW it has to get better, Right?

take care and hang in there

shelli

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I can completely relate to what you have written. My mom died 9 months ago tomorrow ... I turned 30 in January and mom's birthday was in March... not to mention all the holidays... it was very hard to face those dates.

Am thinking of you.

Warmest wishes,

Kate

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I get it too, and I am so sorry that we all have to go through this. :cry:

I thought the holidays were bad, but now here's my list: April was my b-day, Mother's day is next week, and Mom's b-day is in June. And now I've finished my big project for the Relay for Life tent which was a good distraction.

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I really "get it" too.

In fact, when I started to read your post I had to scroll up to the top to see if I had posted it because an old friend of my moms called me out of the blue two weeks ago and I went thru (emotionally) just about the same thing. It was like re-living her death all over again because I had to go over it all and talk about it all and it just brought everything to the surface that I push way way down.

It's so hard. It's not fair. And there will be days like the day you wrote this post and hopefully other days that are far better when you feel your mom beside you.

We really get it and we are here for you. I hope today was a better day for you.

(((hugs)))

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  • 2 weeks later...

I really relate to your post...

I'm right about your age--32. April 27th was the one year anniversary of my dad's diagnosis. He died six months later.

I have just started a new job that is extremely stressful. And while on the one hand, I find myself relieved to be very distracted---the job also makes me miss him so much. He was the one person who could have helped me find my center--in the midst of all this chaos..and without him, I am really struggling...Plus, I have had all of these funny experiences since starting---and everytime I think "I need to call my dad, he will get such a kick out of this."--I get that weird kick in the stomach as I become conscious of that thought...and the realization that he is really not coming back.

And I too find myself looking at friends and their children--and trying to understand how I will ever convey to my children--what an incredible, what a true gift that I had as a father. And wondering how I'm ever going to figure out how to be as wonderful a parent without him there to guide me...

And it's my husband and my second anniversary in a week--and I keep thinking about my dad...

All of this is to say, that my thoughts are with you. You are not alone in these feelings. And I just have to believe that good days are coming again.

Best,

Leslie

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