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How would you get a Kerryman to climb on the roof of a pub?

Tell him the drinks are on the house!


Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming,

"Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'".

Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded,

"Who the hell ARE you?".

Too that the Missus replied,

"I'm the divil ya' damned old fool".

To which Flaherty remarked,

"Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."


She followed her husband to the public house. "How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?" "Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."


After the Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."


Patrick and Murphy out fishing and the motor packed in on the boat, Patrick says to Murphy, "What are we going to do now?"

Murphy says, "We'll just have to wait for help."

After two days they are 40 miles from the coast and come across a bottle, Patrick opens the bottle and out pops a genie who grants them one wish - quick as a flash Patrick says, "Turn the sea into Guinness," and of course the sea is black with Guinness.

Murphy says, "You stupid fool, we'll have to pis_ in the boat."


Seamus asked Paddy how he got his black eye.

"You'd never believe it," said Paddy, "but I got it in church."

He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they stood for a hymn, he noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bottom.

"All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned around and hit me." Said Paddy.

A week later Seamus was surprised to see Paddy had another black eye.

"I got this one in church, too," explained Paddy.

He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for a hymn her dress was once again creased into the cheeks of her bottom.

"My little nephew reached forward and pulled it out. But I knew she didn't like that, so I leaned over and tucked it back in."


Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The priest met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink. He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse." This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"


The Mouse on the Bar Room Floor

Some Guinness was spilled on the bar room floor

when the pub was shut for the night.

Out of his hole crept a wee brown mouse

and stood in the pale moonlight.

He lapped up the frothy brew from the floor,

then back on his haunches he sat.

And all night long you could hear him roar,

'Bring on the goddam cat!'

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