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Doctor notes

David A

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A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to

have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed

out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to

take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there

were several cabs -- I was in the wrong one.

Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on

an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior

chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they

used to be," remorsed the patient.

Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told

a wife that her husband had died of a massive

myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later,

I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that

he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the

visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet

from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with

your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now

your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I

requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read

the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered

that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was

standing there with both his eyes covered. I was

laughing too hard to finish the exam.

Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with

his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he

was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which

one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on

a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of

places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and

discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see... Yes, the man

had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the

instructions include removal of the old patch before

applying a new one.

Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I

asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a

look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not

for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."

Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So

how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good,

except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get

used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked

to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet

labeled "KY Jelly."

Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a

young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker

Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing

strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined

that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was

scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was

completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff

noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and

above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the

grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon

wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which

said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

and Finally . . .

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite

embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover

his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit

of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he

was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing

and further embarrassed him.

He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm

sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were

whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."

-- Dr. wouldn't admit his name

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