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Hope & Dread?


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For a while now, I've visualized sort of a scale, with hope on one side, and dread on the other. Fortunately, the dread side is getting lighter as the days go by.

Sometimes, when I'm in deep thought, it occurs to me that as I begin to dread one thing or another (upcoming CT scan, visit to the doc, new round of chemo, whatever), rather than fire up the pity party, I'm better able to balance out the dread with the hope that everything I'm doing and everything my treatment team is doing is so very positive, and so far it's working. That was really difficult to do early on after I was diagnosed.

I see people around me when I'm having chemo or in a waiting room who are far worse off than I. I am humbled, and the realization of how very blessed I am hits me time after time. I've watched the faces of people in obvious pain, and how very brave they are, because they know this is just a part of treatment. I know that if they can do it, so can I when the time comes.

Maya Angelou says something to the effect that we can't say "I am" without first acknowledging that "they were" -- meaning that others came before us and left us a pathway to follow. I've believed that for a long time in general, and especially now that I'm in the middle of chemo, radiation, etc. So very many brave people and doctors and nurses and technicians have paved the way for me to be able to get the excellent treatment I have, and I feel it is an honor to try my best to take up where they left off and then make way for those who come after me.

Hope and dread? Well, on my scale it is, but in reality, it's just so much hope that the dread is now overshadowed. I'm gradually learning to just accept what is coming, because I committed to treatment and that's a part of it.

I'm convinced that prayer is always answered, even though it may not always be the answer we wanted. I'm also convinced that the many blessings I have are the result of so many prayers coming my way, so how could I let dread overtake hope on the scale with that kind of backing???


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