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Faith711

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  1. Being at my brother-in-laws house with the kids and my parents last night.... without my sister. It really doesn't feel as if this has happened. I felt like my sister would be walking in at any moment, that I hadn't seen her die... and she would see her 5 y/o and say, "Wow, Matt, you have grown so much since I last saw you." The kids would all be screaming and excited to see mom... and none of this ever happened. I'm sad... I've lost my sister and 2 dogs in the last 1.5 years - I don't get it. My big girl (mastiff) was diagnosed with osteosarcoma in November and passed away on December 4th. My sister adored her - I hope they are together now. I hope there is "another side"... because I've gotten no signs from my sister that she's there. My last image of her haunts me every single day... I wish I hadn't seen her "fixed up" - that really didn't work for me. I wish my last image of her had been with all the tubes attached in the ICU..and said my goodbye. Fixing her up and propping her chin up with a pillow, etc.. it's messed up. I'm rambling because I'm just sitting here crying.... I'm so sad.. Anyway, my thoughts and prayers are with everyone who has to deal with this horrible disease....
  2. Faith711

    She's gone

    Gracie... I'm so sorry for your loss... and that it happened so quickly. My thoughts, prayers and tears are with you and your family... Faith
  3. My sister had WBR and it seemed like any confusion from that was after a few months... She had WBR in July of last year and I remember calling the dr in late November/early December about her not seeming to be herself and him saying it could be from the WBR. She also got chemo with WBR. They did weekly sessions at lower doses instead of the every 3 weeks.
  4. My heart goes out to you, your sister and your family..... When I was going through this and was extremely concerned about my sister and no longer able to discuss the situation with her (b/c of her confusion and just not being herself) - I would call the doctor directly and speak to him without my sister knowing. It would clarify things for me, and good or bad, I would have a better understanding of what was going on. I don't know if that would work for you guys but it helped me.. and the rest of the family because i would pass on what was said and then we could deal with it. Right or wrong, I would not tell my sister what was discussed - I didn't see any reason to upset her - and she could ask the doctor as easily as I could but she didn't so we felt she didn't really want to know details anymore... she wasn't asking and didn't seem to care about seeing her scans or anything. Prayers going out for you guys...
  5. We had my sisters memorial service last weekend.. it was so much better than I expected it to be. I have to tell you that she would be so proud of her babies (the 8 and 10 year old, the 4 year old didn't go). Breanna (10 y/o) sang one of her songs "Miracles Happen".. and she did a beautiful job.. she's a ham and she continued to steal the show and was up there talking for at least another 20 minutes. It was so cute and had everyone laughing... then her 8 year old son - who is often withdrawn and shy - wanted to get on stage and say a few words!! We were all so proud of him. They are doing so well... the hardest part was the end when the "slide show" was on showing photos of her... I think everyone lost it then. I wish I just had one more day with her... not how she was at the end.. but my sister before she was sick. I miss her so much... I keep looking for a "sign" from her that there really is an afterlife and that she's ok - but nothing has happened... nothing at all. I haven't even had a dream about her... On her program at the memorial there was a poem on the back - I don't know where it came from... but I think it's beautiful and wanted to share it with you guys. I know it makes me feel a little bit better. YOUR CHOICE You can shed tears that she is gone, Or you can smile because she lived, You can close your eyes And pray that she will come back, Or you can open your eyes And see all that she has left. Your heart can be empty Because you can't see her Or you can be full of The love that you shared. You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, Or you can be happy for tomorrow Because of yesterday. You can remember her And only that she is gone... Or you can cherish her memory And let it live on, You can cry and close your mind Be empty and turn your back, Or you can do what she would want.. Smile, open your eyes, love and go on.... In loving memory of my wonderful sister.. Carolyn. Faith
  6. Gail It's so normal to be angry at times.. don't be ashamed. I know with my sister sometimes my anger was a way to prevent myself from breaking down and crying uncontrollably... I wouldn't realize that until later. Maybe I had taken her to a dr. appt.. my time and thoughts were consumed with her and her family and I was angry and resentful.. I would drop her off at home and leave and feel terrible for not being more "caring" and then have gut wrenching sobs all the way home. I didn't know what gut wrenching sobs were until lung cancer came along... Don't be hard on yourself... it's ok. Faith
  7. I'm sorry about your husbands diagnosis. I live in Chandler, AZ... actually Chandler/Tempe border. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you. I just went through all of this with my sister...
  8. It's totally normal.. but don't feel bad about needing to live your life. You have kids that need you - it's going to stress you out more if you don't take care of your family. Stay with your mom as much as you can to still keep your sanity... if you lose it, it won't help your mom at all. You have to take care of yourself and not feel bad about it. If your mom wants someone there all the time see if there are friends/neighbors who might be willing to visit - it's amazing how many wonderful people are out there who are willing to help if asked. Faith
  9. Gracie Don't feel bad about what you said....really. It sounds like your bil was already aware and is just concerned. As time goes on you'll know what you feel comfortable saying and what needs to be held back. After my sister was first diagnosed we were somehow talking about my dad not taking care of himself and she said, "He's probably going to die before me." I replied.. "Nooo...." All the blood left my head when I realized what I had said, I almost passed out - and I had to majorly backtrack - what I had meant was that no one was going to die soon.. It's so easy to stick your foot in your mouth but I don't think you did in this situation. It's ok.... and maybe it is just from any medications she''s taking. Faith
  10. Gracie My heart goes out to you and your sister... I know exactly how you feel because my sister was diagnosed as well. Her first oncologist wasn't even going to do a brain CT or MRI because she wasn't having any symptoms - I asked him about it. Luckily we switched oncologists and he did one because she did have brain mets and the other oncologist was going to put her on avastin which she shouldn't be on with active brain mets. Just make sure she gets her brain checked before they start the chemo! Sandra is right.. things do get better once all the testing is done and you start treatment. We're all here for you.
  11. Faith711

    I am so mad....

    My sister passed almost 2 weeks ago... I am so ticked off right now. It was a couple of PE's that ended up killing her - she had been in the hospital for a week. When I visited her I asked her if she was on any prophylaxis for DVT and she wasn't.... I asked her if she was getting up and she said she was with help. Now I'm feeling like she probably didn't really get up and walk around - she was too unsteady on her feet. I should have pushed to talk to the doctor more - the whole time she was in the hospital ( a week) we never spoke to a doctor... or saw one. It just seems like this PE didn't have to happen. Did they forget about the possibility of a DVT? I want to see her chart now and see if anything is even mentioned about preventing this from happening. If you have someone in the hospital.. make sure you ask how they are preventing a clot. She also could have had compression stockings on.. but didn't. I also kind of got the feeling like... people kind of gave up on her... like well, she's screwed anyway... because of her diagnosis. Even her oncologist acted that way. Sorry, just had to vent.
  12. I don't think my 4 year old nephew understands mommy being "dead" either... we actually had hospice come over and tell the kids, along with their dad. The 4 year old kind of said I miss mommy and wanted to go play his games. Their dad also told them that he had donated mommies eyes... fyi - don't tell young kids these things. Now the 4 year old walks around saying mommy is a robot with no eyes...
  13. Thank you so much for the prayers... my sister passed at 5:15 this evening. A few weeks ago she told me she wanted me to make sure she was out of it and didn't know what was going on when that time came. Around 330pm she was maxed out on blood pressure medication and only on diprivan (sedation)but nothing for pain. She made a grimace in her face and I requested the morphine... they started it at 1mg/hr.. as her blood pressure dropped her respirations would go up so we would increase the morphine to make her comfortable. It reached 20 mg/hr.. I was on one side holding her hand and my mom and dad were on the other side (her husband was on his way.. it happened faster than expected).. my mom and I had looked at the ceiling asking Carolyn if she was up there (yes, we could still smile in spite of our crying... we are all big believers in "the other side".. and "signs').. my mom asked Carolyn to give us a sign that she was ok. I'm not sure how much longer it was but previously her left eye had been closed and her right eye slightly open with the iris in the middle. All of a sudden both eyes were more open and looking to the left in my direction... I'm like, mom what's going on? how can she be looking at me with her blood pressure of 35/20? Did she stroke out and her eyes deviated? Well, all of a sudden her eyes went back to the center.. not focused on us but definitely seemed like purposeful movement. I went to get the nurse and ask if she needed more meds and how was this possible... i forgot what the nurse said but when I got back to the room her eyes were then facing to the right in my moms direction. After a bit they went back to center and again mostly closed. I know some people would say it is "whatever"... but to me and my family this was definitely a sign that she's ok... we are so thankful that this happened. I don't think this was realistically possible.. unless there was help from the other side. I'm home now and I feel so empty... she's never going to call me again. We used to talk on the phone every day... before she started going downhill. Hospice is still getting involved even though it's just going to be for grief counseling... Her husband is going to tell the kids in the morning with a counselor there. I can't even imagine what I'm going to say when I see those kids tomorrow afternoon... I don't want to be crying hysterically but am not sure if I'll be able to stop... my sister decorated their house - every single thing is my sisters touch. I just miss her so much.. Everything went so smoothly.. but there was one thing I wish I hadn't done and I didn't want to but didn't want to leave the family. After she passed... I had said many goodbyes to her and everything I needed to say while she was sedated. They offered to "fix her up".. take all the tubes, IVs out, etc.. so now I keep seeing her like that how they had her set up on the bed.... looking like my sister.. only dead. It's a horrible image to me and I can't get it out of my head. For whatever reason it was easier with all the tubes and the ventilator... I'm trying to look at older photos of her to get that picture gone... Anyway, obviously I just needed to talk.... I'm home alone with the dogs right now. I could have gone to my parents but I have 4 dogs.. and I've been gone too much... Thanks for letting me share. I'm going to start a journal and write down as much of this journey as I can remember.. to let her kids read if they want to when they get older. I just want my sister back!!!!!!!! I'm so upset... but I know I need to remember that she was in so much pain and she wasn't really how she wanted to be. I know she's better off now but it hurts so much...
  14. My sister went to the hospital a week ago Tuesday to have a pain pump put in - she was supposed to leave the hospital on Thursday. She ended up staying and they did a thoracentesis and took off some fluid and also did a bronchoscopy because of her collapsed LUL. She was discharged Tuesday (yesterday, a week later) and went home.. after about an hour at home she told her husband to call an ambulance something was wrong and she couldn't get enough oxygen. Back at the hospital it turns out she has two large pulmonary emboli. Because of the bleeding risks with her brain mets she decided to.. not sure what it's called but they go in through the femoral artery with something and snake it through the system to reach the clots and bust them directly. It apparently didn't go as planned.. they only got a little medication to one of the clots. After the procedure she was alert and talking and they transferred her to the ICU. Right after she got there she coded. Now she's intubated and on multiple pressors to keep her alive. She did not want to be kept alive like this.. if she doesn't pass naturally by this evening we are going to turn off pressor support and start the morphine drip. The good thing about this is that it happened quickly and as far as we can tell she's not suffering... we have her sedated. She didn't want to linger and end up having someone wipe her a** (as she would have said). The other good thing is that the whole family was there (not the kids) before she went in for the procedure. We all kissed her and said I love you...apparently she also said goodbye to my mom. She seemed to know that this was it because she wanted everyone there. So our last words to each other were I love you. It's also good that this happened at the hospital.. and the kids didn't see anything traumatic. Around 5am this morning after everyone else had left and I was alone with her I just held her hand and talked to her.... I'm really glad I had that time. I can't stop crying even though she's not technically gone yet. We knew this was coming.... I miss my sister. It's not really about the physical passing, but she hasn't been herself for months and I miss who she was... and I'm so sad that she's so young and leaves behind 3 children. It's just so sad... Even though I don't post... you guys have all helped me a lot over the last 10 months and explained many things that I didn't understand. Many prayers to everyone....
  15. Hi everyone.. I've been reading these boards for almost a year.. I feel like I know all of your stories already. This is my first post (I think..) My sister is stage iv nsclc.. and just had a pain pump put in. I'm wondering what now? She's still in the hospital...before the pain pump she was sleeping most of the time, unable to really do daily activities.. the dr. made it seem like she would be better (mentally) w/ the pump b/c it's a smaller amount of narcotic than what she was taking orally. I'm getting tired and losing hope.. it just seems like she's declining rapidly. We were so hopeful that she would "beat the odds" because she's young and never smoked. She has lost so much weight now and seems so fragile and tired, I really can't imagine her getting more chemo. I don't know how to build up her strength if she won't or can't eat. She is still saying she's going to fight this... and it makes me want to cry because I'm afraid she's not strong enough... Anyway, my question is... does anyone else have a pain pump and function normally or does this mean it's almost over..
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