Hi everyone,
I would like to introduce myself, I am Julia (babyspicy) Aaron's (spicysashimi) wife. I've long been a lurker on this site, and feel like I know most of you already. I would like to thank all of you for the tremendous amount of love, support, and encouragement that we have both received from you for the past year and a half. I am here now to contribute to that love and support, and hope that I can get some much needed advice and perspective from all of you.
Aaron just finished two weeks of WBR, and he will continue to get Taxol on a weekly basis after a week break. Things have been really difficult lately. Aaron has been slowing down quite a bit, has fatigue, memory loss, et. I recently took a leave of absence from work so that I could be with him for all the appointments, and at home. In the last three weeks it has really become a full time job - I'm sure all of you know this very well. I feel totally drained emotionally and physically - like I'm at a zero. Yes I'm depressed, hurt, frustrated, lonely, and exhausted. I am alone here in the city with Aaron with the exception of a couple good friends that have really been there for us. Aaron's family is in New Jersey, and his Mom comes in every week to help out a bit - but I never feel like it's enough. Really I feel like I'm not getting the help I need at all. My family is all in Colorado, so my support system is 1600 miles away, and helping me every way that they can. I actually feel like my family has been more supportive that Aaron's even though they are so far away. Today, I brought up the possibility of getting some outside help, whether it be hospice, a nurse, whatever. Aaron got really upset about even mentioning the word hospice. I know that hospice does other things for families - it's not JUST an end of life support. Anyhow, it doesn't have to be hospice, I just feel like I need a break. When Aaron's mother heard about the hospice, she got me on the phone and yelled at me!?!! Saying that he wasn't ready for it, etc. etc. I tried to explain that I need help, and she responded with "How can I possibly help you more than I already am." and then went on to say that I never thank her or appreciate her for what she does for us. To make a long story short, Aaron's sister also called and implied that I was "manipulating" Aaron to think that they don't help enough. This is hurtful enough on it's own, but couple it with how I'm feeling emotionally and physically, I just didn't feel like I could deal with having these people over for Thanksgiving. I want to do what's best for Aaron of course, so I'm leaving it up to him.
I feel very hurt and betrayed. I feel like his family has no idea what I'm going through on a day to day basis. I'm not even sure how to approach this, but I feel like a punching bag for his family, and I don't think I deserve to be treated this way. I'm feeling so low, and I need to be strong for Aaron right now, but I'm finding it so hard. Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.