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Jana_W

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Posts posted by Jana_W

    Feeling the Feelings

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    Val

    Big hugs to you sweetie.

    I know how hard life is at the moment. Nine months is definitely not that early in terms of grieving, regardless if you have been grieving every day of those nine months or if you just started. My Mum died nine months ago and I have grieved from the very first day and I still cry nearly every day, at least once. I still long for her hugs, her smiles, her shortbread cookies, her advice (as irritating as it sometime was :wink: ), her everything. Like you, I also ache at the loss of her as a Grandma to my firstborn Veronika. I ache that Mum never even knew I had a baby girl (we didn't find out the sex) nor did she know anything about how my labour went and what sort of baby I had. Basically,we just ache for everything we've lost.

    As for not wanting the hurt to heal as you feel that keeps you closer to your Mum............. I totally relate to that and sometimes wonder if I do that myself. But then when the grief is so overwhelming and you feel so miserable I realise that no-one would make themselves feel that way out of choice. But the thought of being "past" my grief also scares me. How can I possibly ever be over this? And what does that mean?

    I wish I had more answers and advice for you but I don't. I feel exactly as you do, so just know you're not alone. Big hugs to you and the beautiful Carolyn from me and Veronika.

    Love

    Jana

    xxx

    A Blog Post I Wrote.

    in GENERAL

    Posted

    Val, as usual, I totally clicked with what you wrote. I had a few friends who were suddenly wanting to call me and see me and expressing such deep heart-felt emotions and wanting to attend Mum's funeral after they found out Mum had died, but they had been remarkably absent of concern for most of the previous eighteen months. And most of these people didn't pick up the phone to see how I was in the weeks and months after Mum's death. I am fortunate to have a few very special people who did help me and continue to help me, but I had great personal disdain for what I also felt were people joining in at what you referred to as the heightened drama.

    Oh, but you did make my cry like a baby when you referred to the recognition that your loved one can't hug you back as they are too weak, and won't hug you ever again. Wouldn't we give almost anything for just one more Mama cuddle? :cry: I hope Mother's Day wasn't too rough on you.

    Thanks for sharing your blog with us.

    Love

    Jana

    xxx

    First Mother's Day without Mum

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    Hi all

    It's been a long time since I posted. Mother's Day is coming up and I am so saddened to know that this will be my first Mother's Day without my own Mummy. It is also my first Mother's Day as a Mum myself, as my precious little first-born Veronika was born only 6 weeks after Mum died. It is going to be a day of mixed emotions, but I fear mostly overwhelming sadness that Mum is gone. It's been nearly 9 months now, but I still cry for her every day, some days moreso than others. Today was a bad one. :cry: I still think so much about her illness and those last few months. I also feel that I am getting further and further from a place when Mum was in my life, as time passes, and I hate this so much.

    So, to all the other motherless mothers and daughters, I will be thinking of you this Mother's Day.

    Jana

    xxx

    Life without Mum

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    Hi all

    I am so sick of having to live my life without Mum. Does anyone (everyone?) else feel this way? Not that I don't want to live, please don't take it that way. But I am just so tired of the fact that I have to get used to living without Mum. That I wake up every day and breathe and exist in a world that doesn't have my Mum in it anymore. How can this be? So much has happened since Mum died five months ago. I can't believe it's been five whole months :( She was never able to meet my baby girl Veronika and share in the joy I have being a new Mummy, she was never able to see our new home finished and too many other things to mention. My heart aches with an emptiness that I am so tired of, yet I don't want to let go of it either. I am also so angry that this has happened and that Mum really did die from the cancer and we couldn't find what could help her. Sometimes I feel like we failed her, and we couldn't find what would make her better.

    Oh, so many thoughts and feelings but mostly just unbearable sadness. I seem to be doing fine to most people (and I think I really am doing OK), but it's weird how you can go about your every day life doing what you have to do, yet it all feels different. And I won't even start on how much I grieve for my poor Dad who lost the love of his entire world. That is just too hard to explain and far too overwhelming.

    Jana

    xxx

    "Get Over It Already"

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    Hi Val

    I think I have an idea how you are feeling. It has been five months since Mum died and I ache for her every single day. I presume one day this will start to ease, but I am certainly not there yet. I wish time would stop as I don't want to be someone whose Mum died one year, two year, five years ago. Hard to explain why but the passage of time makes me so sad.

    Love

    Jana

    xxx

    Tough Day Here

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    Hi Val

    Sorry I am a bit late on this one. I am sorry you had such a tough day on your birthday. It must have been hard for you to put together the photo album, but also very special at the same time. I was putting together an album which began with a photo of me in my last week of pregnancy, and was followed with all photos of my little Veronika after she was born a few months ago, and I got halfway through and burst into tears when I realised that Mum was not going to be in this album at all. I haven't gotten back to it since, but I will one day.

    I also don't think you need to feel bad for feelings of upsetting your Dad. The other day I was talking about Mum with my husband and I started to cry. He felt badly and wanted to change the subject as he could see how upset I was. But I eplained to him that changing the subject wouldn't make any difference to the sadness I was feeling, it would just mean he couldn't see it, and that would perhaps make him feel better. But it really wouldn't affect me. So you see, I don't think you really did upset your Dad, as he probably already was and is feeling that sadness anyway. The tears just made you realise this. I hope that makes sense.

    Thinking of you,as always Val.

    Love to you and Carolyn

    Jana

    xxx

    Leaving Loved Ones Behind

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    Yep, as Karen already said it was hard for us to see the end of the year that had Mum alive in it and be toasting the new year without her. I can also really relate to the concept of not wanting time to keep passing by, as it means it's been longer since we've been with our loved one. I feel that one ALOT! The passing of time since Mum died almost scares me, as strange as that may sound. It scares me that so much time will pass and people I know will expect that I've moved on and am OK now, when I will just still feel the same sadness I felt the day that she died.

    Jana

    xxx

    Taking Down the Tree

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    Val, I totally get it. I was very surprised that I actually felt sadder when Christmas was finished with. I think it was as Kasey said, that 2005 was the last year Mum was here with us, so taking down the tree and finishing with Christmas for 2005 was pretty significant. It made me so sad to think that we'd actually finished our first Christmas without Mum. And from now on, every Christmas would be one without Mum. I also spend alot of time thinking about Mum's last few weeks as she slowly deteriorated and it's so terribly haunting. So many images and feelings I can't get out of my mind. I presume it's all part of the grieving process, but it sure isn't pretty. I was watching Dad with Veronika (my little girl) yesterday and was so sad to think that Mum never got to meet her or see how cute she was, or see me as a Mum. I hadn't thought about that side of things for a while, but I felt it pretty acutely yesterday. Anyway, like you Val, the feelings just don't go away, do they? It just seems so absurd to me that Mum actually did die.

    Love

    Jana

    xxx

    Looks Like Another Bad WBR Outcome ?

    in GENERAL

    Posted

    OMG! I just read this post and am feeling sick to my stomach thinking that maybe Mum's WBR was what caused her rapid deterioration and death. I am going to do some internet searching on the subject now. In her last couple of months Mum sufferred progressively starting with headaches and fatigue, leading to mental deterioration (including word confusion, memory loss, some speech problems, progressive loss of movement until incapable of moving at all, and incontinence. Could this be radiation necrosis from WBR? How do you know if this caused it or if she was just toxic from all the cancer?

    Love

    Jana

    xx

    For You Moms Out There

    in GENERAL

    Posted

    Hi

    I had my first child (baby Veronika) on September 27th this year. She was 5 days past my due date. I didn't try to do anything to bring on labour as just trusted and hoped she'd come out when she was ready to. Having said that, if she'd held on for another five days after that I would have tried long walks and sex, as one can only hold on for so long!!! I am so happy for you that your Mum is here to meet her grandchild and share with you in the joys of you becoming a Mum. I know how hard it can be to have your Mum sick whilst you are pregnant. Let us know how you go...............

    Love

    Jana

    xxxx

    Firsts

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    Hi Susan

    We are also going through our first holiday season without our Rachel as well (my Mum). I can't imagine how it's going to be. I have also felt those pangs of immense sadness when going shopping and wishing I could be buying a present for Mum again, or showing her the presents I have bought for my husband or nieces etc.

    Thinking of you

    Love

    Jana

    xx

    Mom's Birthday

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    Hi Kel

    I will be thinking of you on Monday, and your Mom. I am sorry she won't be here to celebrate her birthday with you. Hope the memories of those hugs will help see you through the day. Unfortunately, I know how hard it will be for you.

    Love

    Jana

    xxxx

    all the firsts

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    We are also going through the "firsts" of everything, with Mum having died on August 4th 2005. It sucks, doesn't it? I know that on the actual day of Mum's birthday (October 15th) I didn't feel much sadder during the day than I had done on every other day, until I went to bed. Then I realised that her birthday had come and gone, and she hadn't been here for any of it. That gutted me. I don't know how the "seconds" will be any easier, but I guess at least we will have been through it once before.

    I am thinking of you and just wanted you to know that I think I know how you feel.

    Love

    Jana

    xx

    Life goes on as normal?

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    Hi all

    I don't quite know how to word this, but here goes. I just wanted to write about how I've been feeling about a few things and see if any one else has ever felt this way????

    Mum only died on August 4th this year, so it hasn't even been three months. I am finding that it seems to me that so many people have either forgotten that my Mum died, or figure that it was so long ago (???) that I am pretty much back to "normal" now. I guess I am referring to the way people don't always understand that I don't feel like going out and catching up with them socially or even worse, people who NEVER mention my Mum to me, like she never even existed. I hate the idea of life going on as normal as it truly feels anything but normal to me. I guess some of this is compounded by the recent birth of my daughter (who is now four weeks old!!!). She is adorable, by the way :)

    Anyway, has any one ever had difficulties with the type of thing I am describing?

    Love

    Jana

    xxx

    I think I made the wrong Choice....

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    Val, you ARE doing an amazing job at getting through this hardest of times. I am glad you recognise that you are doing a pretty good job of it! I also know how it feels to be doing a pretty good job of getting by, yet feeling so torn apart and immensely pained inside. It's weird to have both of these actions going on at the same time. I totally get that you are happy for your Dad that he is able to have happy times with someone, yet you still find it hard. For me, I am so sad that my Mum will never hold my new daughter in her arms. I am very glad for my daughter that she has my mother-in-law to be her Grandma, yet inside of me on some level I find that really hard as well....... because it reminds me of what my Mum is missing out on and what we are all missing out on. I thank that we can feel one way intellectually, but feel an entirely different way emotionally. I find this is the same for the grieving process that has been talked about. I guess that I did acknowledge in the weeks before Mum died that she was probably going to die from her cancer at some stage and I wondered when this would be. Intellectually I knew what was going on. But I was still so shocked when she actually was dying, as emotionally I had blocked out any concept of her dying. And to this day I can still not comprehend never seeing Mum again, even though I know that this won't be happening.

    Val, there is so much you are going through. You are separated from your primary support (your hubbie), you are a new Mum, you've just lost your Mum etc. etc. But you are managing to put one foot in front of the other each day and look after your baby girl, and be there for your Dad should he need extra support. Be kind to yourself during this time too and make sure you offer yourself as much love and compassion as you do so many others.

    Love

    Jana

    xxx

    Lung Cancer and no sympathy

    in NSCLC GROUP

    Posted

    " People are dumb and I just need to get used to it. "

    Val, you sweetie, thanks for making me laugh today. I LOVED your comment. I also agree that people don't know what to say and mentioning smoking is the first thing they think to say. I am not excusing it, just trying to help work out why they ask.

    Jana

    xxx

    I think I made the wrong Choice....

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    Val

    I was so sad to read your post. I know that I would not be able to cope with the situation you are in at all. Where are you support systems to help you with your own grief? I think it is all way too much for you to handle. I would find it extremely hard to see my Dad dating anyone else and I din't think there is anything wrong with you feeling that way.

    What do you think your Mum would advise you to do?

    Love

    Jana

    xx

    It's been 1 month

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    I am so sorry to read about your loss and what you are going through. My Mum died on August 4th this year so I am most likely going through something pretty similar. I totally agree about the "shock" reaction to our loss. I realised Mum was going downhill in those last few weeks, but somehow I always thought that we would be the family that would be able to find the treatment that would help Mum live for quite a bit longer. I don't think I ever really acknowledged that her cancer could and probably would kill her. Although I acknowledged this intellectually, emotionally I had not. So I think that's where the shock comes into play once they have died. I think I still am in emotional shock, and it probably is our body's way of dealing with it all, as it's all too overwhelming to deal with.

    Keep on taking one day at a time. It's all we can do.

    Love

    Jana

    xx

    My grief thought of the day

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    I totally get what you are saying. I feel exactly the same (How surprising! :) That seems to happen quite alot).

    Some days I am quite perky on the outside and capable of socialising, chatting and carrying on with all the "social norms". Then other days it all seems way too hard and I want to hide away from everyone and be alone with my thoughts. I guess it is like the parallel you drew with being sick, and sometimes you only realise you're not really up for much when you try to do a few things. I have been going through this alot recently as well, with having loads of visitors since the birth of Veronika a couple of weeks ago. I will be doing quite fine at keeping it together and smiling and being friendly and then I hit the wall and want everyone to go away! I have a feeling this is how it will be for some time to come.

    Thinking of you

    Jana

    xx

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