Amy P
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Posts posted by Amy P
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Double Congratulations Heather! Clean scans are awesome - will take those any day. But you and snowflake can have the puppies - mine are both 2 and think they are still puppies and lap dogs (we have a great dane/lab mix and a pointer mutt mix). Cheers for the great news!
Much Love,
Amy
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Yeah Joanie! GREAT News!!!!!! Go out and celebrate!!!!
Much Love,
Amy
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We found out today that a 4th grader in the school where my husband teaches (and my kids attend) was diagnosed with a disease called RDS (I think). It is a degenerative disease similar to Lou Gherig's. Over the summer this little boy completely lost his hearing and the sight in one eye. As with Lou Gherig's this disease is terminal and they do not expect him to make it through the school year. I know it goes without saying but please pray for Max and his family and friends. This is tough
Much love to you all!
Amy
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Have a GREAT trip Frank! We will miss you - shall I keep score in your absence????
Be Safe and Much Love,
Amy
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LOL Angie! I sent this to my work buddies and then walked down the row and every single one of them were trying it - it was hysterical!!!!
Thanks Debby!!!
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Thanks Frank - I almost passed salsa through my nose
Too Funny!!
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Cindy -
Good Luck tomorrow - You will do great!! I hope Tom's tests come back with good news! and of course am glad to hear that your daughter is back home...a testment to your good parenting that you let her go and she made the decision to come home!
Will be waiting to hear how the interview went!
Much Love,
Amy
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Too Funny - good thing I didn't have to take this before I had my kiddos - I might have flunked
Thanks for sharing!
Amy
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My Mom has a follow up chest CT on Friday to make sure the Iressa is still working and I have a chest CT on Monday. My CT is primarily for peace of mind but I do have some lung issues that just won't seem to go away so any prayers you all could send our way would be much appreciated!!!!
Much Love to you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Amy
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Sometimes ... when you cry ...no one sees your tears..... Sometimes... when you are in pain... no one sees your hurt... Sometimes... when you are worried.... no one sees your stress.....Sometimes ... when you are happy ...no one sees your smile ......
But fart just one time...
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Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water.
In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise.
Imagine his curiosity!
Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...!
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"(Pointing to the bowl)
“Oh, yes,” she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know...I didn’t have a cold all winter. God is good.”
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This is one of my favorites....could have been me - back in the day
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls".
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight ... "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I
got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up,
I Cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a
quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a
possible conflict with my husband.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I
told him 12 o'clock.
He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why,
he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then
said, "OH SH_T!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed
another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."
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Love
in JUST FOR FUN
Angie -
Oh I can't wait - I have some good one too!
Much Love,
Amy
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1. CURL UP AND DIE:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge
for a shampoo and a blow job?" - Melinda Lowe, 39,
Sequin, TX
2. PAD PLEASE:
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our
mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and
figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could,
so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad.
He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of
our guest. - Kate Newman, 46,Winston-Salem, NC
3. HO, HO, HO:
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into
the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper.
Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran
for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so
well that I had copies made and included one with each
of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called
about the picture, laughing hysterically, and
suggested I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared
at the photo and was shocked to discover that in
addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in
the mirror wearing nothing but a camera! - Name
Withheld
4. LADY GOLFER:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of
golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had
been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." - Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI
5. NUTS ABOUT YOU:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a
store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking
at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked
if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just
looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. - Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD
6. PRICELESS:
I picked up several items at a discount store. When
I finally got up to the checker, I learned that one of
the items had no price tag. The checker got on the
intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear:
"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the
store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?" - Jan Bobsone, Jacksonville, Fl.
7. MOM'S ADVICE:
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the
class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and
not paying attention. She went back to find out what
was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered
that he had just recently been circumcised and he was
quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom." She screamed. "I did." He said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out 'till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school
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Only Men would do this...
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training
supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking
meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked
their truck the end of the alley and worked their
way to the other end. At the last house, a woman
looking out her kitchen window watched the two men
as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor
challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down
the alley back to the truck to prove that an older
guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized
the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing
right behind them. They stopped and asked her what
was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men
from the gas company running as hard as you two were,
I figured I'd better run too!"
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Love
in JUST FOR FUN
We should get bonus pts just for the sweetness
> Love is.....
> >
> > A group of professional people posed this question
> > to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love
> > mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper
> > than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
> >
> > 1. "When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't
> > bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my
> > grandfather does it for her all the time, even
> > when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
> > Rebecca- age 8
> >
> > 2. "When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
> > You know that your name is safe in their mouth."
> > Billy- age 4
> >
> > 3. "Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy
> > puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
> > Karl- age 5
> >
> > 4. "Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody
> > most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
> > Chrissy- age 6
> >
> > 5. "Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so
> > mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their
> feelings."
> > Samantha- age 6
> >
> > 6. "Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
> > Terri- age 4
> >
> > 7. "Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy
> > and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is
> OK."
> > Danny- age 7
> >
> > 8. "Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of
> kissing,
> > you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and Daddy are
> like
> > that. They look gross when they kiss."
> > Emily- age 8
> >
> > 9. "Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas
> > if you stop opening presents and listen."
> > Bobby- age 5
> >
> > 10. "If you want to learn to love better,
> > you should start with a friend who you hate."
> > Nikka- age 6
> >
> > 11. "Love is hugging. Love is kissing. Love is saying no"
> > Patty- age 8
> >
> > 12. "When you tell someone something bad about
> > yourself and you're scared they won't love you
> > anymore. But then you get surprised because not
> > only do they still love you, they love you even more."
> > Matthew- age 7
> >
> > 13. "There are two kinds of love. Our love. God's
> > love. But God makes both kinds of them."
> > Jenny- age 4
> >
> > 14. "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
> > everyday."
> > Noelle- age 7
> >
> > 15. "Love is like a little old woman and a little
> > old man who are still friends even after they
> > know each other so well."
> > Tommy - age 6
> >
> > 16. "During my piano recital, I was on a stage and
> > scared. I looked at all the people watching me
> > and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the
> > only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
> > Cindy- age 8
> >
> > 17. "My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't
> > see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
> > Clare- age 5
> >
> > 18. "Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."
> > Elaine- age 5
> >
> > 19. "Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty
> > and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
> > Chris- age 8
> >
> > 20. "Love is when your puppy licks your face even
> > after you left him alone all day."
> > Mary Ann- age 4
> >
> > 21. "I know my older sister loves me because she
> > gives me all her old clothes and has to go out
> > and buy new ones."
> > Lauren- age 4
> >
> > 22. "I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom
> > says she only picks on me because she loves me.
> > So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."
> > Bethany- age 4
> >
> > 23. "Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on
> > them that we'd like to say ourselves, but we
> > wouldn't be caught dead saying."
> > Mike- age 8
> >
> > 24. "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up
> > and down and little stars come out of you."
> > Karen- age 7
> >
> > 25. "Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet
> > and she doesn't think it's gross."
> > Mark- age 6
> >
> > 26. "You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless
> > you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say
> > it a lot. People forget."
> > Jessica- age 8
> >
> > 27. "Love is that first feeling you feel before all
> > the bad stuff gets in the way."
> > Charlie- age 7
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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
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This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public toilet. And it finally explains to all you men what takes us so long.
PSYCHIC TOILETSby Donna Gephart, Palm Beach Gardens, FL.2nd place in 2001 THE MONA SCHREIBER PRIZE FOR HUMOROUS FICTION & NONFICTION
My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl, she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a public toilet seat." And she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have peed down my leg. And we'd go home.
That was a long time ago. I've had lots of experience with public toilets since then, but I'm still not particularly fond of public toilets, especially those with power! ful, red-eye sensors. Those toilets know when you want them to flush. They are psychic toilets. But I always confuse their psychic ability by following my mother's advice and assuming The Stance.
The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is especially full. This is most likely to occur after watching a full-length feature film. During the movie pee, it is nearly impossible to hold The Stance. You know what I mean. You drink a two liter cup of Diet Coke, then sit still through a three-hour saga because, for God's sake, even if you didn't wipe or wash your hands in the bathroom, you'd still miss the pivotal part of the movie or the second scene, in which they flash the leading man's naked derriere. So, you cross your legs and you hold it. And you hold it until that first credit rolls and you sprint to the bathroom, about ready to explode all over your internal organs. And at the bathroom, you find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-! price sale on Mel Gibson's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely. And you finally get closer.You check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied. You hope no one is doing frivolous things behind those stall doors, like blowing her nose or checking the contents of her wallet.
Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. You hang your handbag on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume The Stance. Relief. More relief. Then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper.Might as well be ready when you are done. The toilet paper! dispenser is empty. Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny napkin you wiped your fingers on after eating buttered popcorn. It would have to do. You crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and your pocketbook whams you in the head. "Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your buttered popcorn napkin in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto the toilet seat. You get up quickly, but it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had enough time to. And your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, "You don't know what kind of diseases you couldget." And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so c! onfused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged to China. At that point, you give up. You're finished peeing. You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point. One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River. You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and say warmly, "Here. You might need this." At this time, you see your spouse, who has entered, used and exited h! is bathroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you.
>
>"What took you so long?" he asks, annoyed. This is when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home.
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Grace -
I can't answer your questions about the procedures but wanted you to know that I will be thinking of your Dad tomorrow and in the coming days and only hoping for good things. Let us know how things come out.
Much Love to You,
Amy
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Shelley -
Don't know how I missed this - I agree with everyone else - I love the pic and what a sweet smile!!!! It is nice to put faces with names - once I get my roots done, maybe I'll put my mug up
Much Love,
Amy
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ROFLMAO!
That should be awarded full pts plus some!!!
Thanks Teacake - High Five!!!!
Love,
Amy
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I would give them the full 1000 but not 2000 that would just be ludicris (I guess I should learn to spell it before using it in a sentence
) and MAYBE a few bonus pts - that was pretty funny!Much Love,
Amy
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Curtis -
How did you know that I was blonde
- although not a true blond My defense is that I did understand the jokes but had to deduct from the men for a couple of groaners (Frank ) and had to add some bonus pts for the ladies...well just because we are special! Becky - Dig 'em up and let's show those boys who's funnier!
Much Love to you all!!!
Amy
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Connie -
How Awesome! Yeah for your GRANDson
. I too cannot wait to hear how things progress. I work for a big telecom Co. and they recently did a demonstration of their relay services for the hearing impared - it was very fascinating as well as the two gentlemen who run the dept and also gave the presentation have both been impaired since birth, they both have interpreters. It was the coolest thing.
Keep us updated!
Much Love,
Amy
- although not a true blond
Lucie's Second Chemo, Part II
in HOPE
Posted
Don - You two are amazing - reminds me of a few other amazing couples I know - you all know who you are
. Glad she got some new clothes - always makes me feel good! Bless both of you and your beautiful spirits!
Much Love,
Amy