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In a half hour it will be exactly two years sense the last words I heard Johnny speak. He was talking to his niece but he was looking right at me and there was a sparkle in his eyes. He said "they are telling me that I am going to die in 7 days and they are full of shi_". I left him then to go outside for a break. When I got back to him he was sleeping. I can still hear him speak those words and see that sparkle in his eyes.

At 4:55 tomorrow morning it will be two years sense he breathed his last breath and my world ended. I am just as raw now as I was then. I just want him to know how much I still love him, how much I need him. He always wanted to know that I needed him too. Does he have any idea how much I still need him?

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You have been in my thoughts and prayers. I've been off the site for awhile but try to come check in at least once every month. I know this time of year is hard for many but maybe even more so for folks who lost their loved one right between the holidays like you did. I read your recounts of the journey of Johnny's last days and I know you must be in a whirlwind of emotions. Take care of yourself and know you are always in God's care and Johnny is watching over you, too. If you get a chance to watch the TV movie "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" that is on Sunday night, you might really like it. You will probably cry but somehow the story was also very comforting to my mother-in-law. (We both read the book last year.) She is still doing a lot of journaling to help her through her days. We passed his birthday for the second time this year just a few weeks ago. She does seem better this year because she insists she is up to Christmas shopping. That was something they always did together like some super hero team finding just the right gift at just the right price, so last year she just couldn't handle it. This year she is more excited to find things for the grandchildren so I am taking that as a positive sign. Though I know that she still has extremely TOUGH days and nights, it is good to know that the saying of time helping us somehow holds true. Anyway, I just wanted to touch base and say I'm still out here with prayers aimed your way.


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I guess the one thing that makes losing someone we love so difficult is the unknown. Did we do enough? Did they know they were loved? Do they know we still love them? Are they with us? Those questions and many others go through my mind 1,000 times a day. And when my heart and mind seem to be slipping to the "negavtive" side I remember that I believe in God and I believe that Robert is with him. I know that I loved him, I know he loved me. I know I cary him with me each and every minute of each and every day. I think you are the same Lily, I think you know you just need to let yourself believe. You can close your eyes and remember what it was like and I know you can still feel him. I'm not saying "move on" - I would never say that - I would never want anyone to say that to me - just take one step forward, one step - take him with you when you do but take one step towards knowing the answers to those questions.

We all care and want to help.

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