processing

[ahhappy]

My aunt had written me an email and it prompted me to write some things down that I hadn't really thought through yet.

One of the things that always bothered me was my mom and my inability to get to any sort of discussion about dying. And as I wrote to my aunt I finally pinpointed why. Here's what I wrote:

When I look back at that Sunday(mom was alert but groggy on Sunday and died on Tuesday), I realize I should have seen that these were the last days. I had thought for quite a while that when my mom decided it was time to go, that it would go fast. Nothing really prepares you for that though. She could have lasted for weeks in that state. For a long time Greg kept bugging me to have some conversations with Mom that he felt we hadn't had yet. And I told him that we had said everything and more. But now I think there are things we never did say. Most of which, I'm not concerned about--I don't have any regrets about it. But, for instance, on Saturday, she really wanted to talk about me picking a ring to have from her jewelry. I felt that there was still time and we didn't pursue it. I kind of put her off. When I look back on it, I think she knew on Saturday.

I never got the sense that she was scared to die. I also never got the sense that she had much peace about it either. And that's something I wish we had spoken about more. She was always more concerned about the next procedure or the next drug. I always thought we'd get to a point where the dr would say no more . And we would have had time to have those conversations. But without the dr saying no- having any sort of death converstions always felt like we had admitted that we had lost hope. And I never felt that she wanted that. Maybe she was just protecting me.

It feels really good to have pinpointed that problem. I don't know the answer for how we could have gotten around it. And I sense that I'm not alone in this problem.

This after Christmas time is clearly harder for me. It was very easy to get wrapped up in the bustle of Christmas. These normal days are much harder for me.

Thanks.

Amy

[kimblanchard]

I think it is great that you are doing some introspection and figuring out exactly what is bothering you. I think that is very healthy.

That balancing act is tough between talking about dying without giving up hope. You did the best you could. And even if now you would rather have balanced a little differently, you did the best you could and it is done. I know I had to make a lot of decisions after Becky died that I would rather have had her input on, but they were things I simply couldn't ask her. And one thing I could do for her is never ask her questions that indicated I was losing hope. Part of that is that I never did lose hope until it was too late. And so while I would have liked her input on things, I take the responsibility for those things.

It is a tough business all the way around, and as caregivers and as surviving family, we do the best we can. And then we just have to trust that we did the best we could even if some of those decisions we would change later.

Curtis

[kimblanchard]

Hi, Amy. Thank you for sharing this, it helped me. Things are not going too well here but still in treatment, the doctors have never said ... and I don't know what to do, it seems bad to me but the doctors never said. But from what I read here, I think I will follow my husband's lead. Encourage him, deal with each problem in a hopeful way, but let those discussions happen naturally whenever they come up.

I think you did the best you could and so did she. You did alright.

Thinking of you and the many here who are dealing with adjustments. I hope the New Year brings a new start, more hope, more joy, more love.

Margaret