daggiesmom Posted July 4, 2003 Share Posted July 4, 2003 How do you deal with people who refuse to talk about things that matter the most? My "best friend" has'nt been there for me at all. All she seems to want to talk about is the weather and her carpenter ants that are attacking her house. She said she would come over last weekend, we waited and waited and she never came. My daughter waited, i waited, my husband waited. No Maureen. She called tonight and no mention of why she didn't come outside of "it was a bad weekend." This is the person who i know since 3rd grade! We're 50 years old now. Last summer when I was going thru chemo, she never showed up once. Am i crazy, or what? Is there something wrong with this relationship? i am so heartbrken over this. She has no idea that i may not be around in a year. What can I do and why do people behave like this? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sophia88 Posted July 4, 2003 Share Posted July 4, 2003 I bet she is just plain old scared to see you for lack of knowing what to say to "help". I would give her a call or go see her and just tell her how you are feeling about all of this and how she is handling it. She loves you dearly I am sure (third grade is a long time!!) and probably doesn't know she is hurting you. I have seen forever friends visit my Dad and they initially seem like strangers with him until he breaks the ice with one of his wisecrack jokes. After that the illness factor melts away and it is just two great friends being together... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daggiesmom Posted July 4, 2003 Author Share Posted July 4, 2003 Thank you Sofia, you're right. She probably doesn't know how much she has hurt me. I'll try your suggestion. Keep smilin' Joanie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daggiesmom Posted July 4, 2003 Author Share Posted July 4, 2003 Dear Katie, You'e so sweet and so right. i will follow your advice. Crying so hard because life is so short. But i'll be around. God bless you and Dad. Joanie xo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted July 4, 2003 Share Posted July 4, 2003 Joanie, people react to cancer in a variety of ways and there is no predicting what a particular person will do. She may not know what to say or what to do, and you may have to coach her on that. She may be scared of losing you and the pain is so much, she just puts it all out of her mind. We have to forgive people when they don't respond the way we need. But I agree that we have to tell them what we need. If they then continue on the old path, then we have done all we can. You need friends that will respond to you now. Good luck. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daggiesmom Posted July 4, 2003 Author Share Posted July 4, 2003 Thank you Don for your sound advice. I won't give up on my friend and will find the courage to talk to her. As for having friends now, I see many on this board, and i'm very thankful for you all. Have a great 4th, you and Lucie! Joanie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted July 5, 2003 Share Posted July 5, 2003 Joanie, I called my husband's good friend from high school when Bill was diagnosed. He was shocked to hear the news and wanted to talk to Bill right away. (They had always phoned each other every few months before all of this happened - they too are in their 50s). Anyway he said he wanted to come see Bill the next week. But he never came, never called. Bill said it was probably just too hard. Here we are 7 months later and still no call. And he lives right here in this city!! I know it hurts Bill but he won't call him and doesn't want me to. I am glad you are going to call your friend. Blessings to you, Peg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daggiesmom Posted July 5, 2003 Author Share Posted July 5, 2003 Dear Peg, I'm sorry to hear about Bill's friend. It just goes to show you that some people really CAN"T handle it so it seems they run away. I seem to be hearing more and more of this, so i guess it's a fairly common reaction people have when they hear bad news. In the long run, though, that reaction backfires on them. Hopefully, his friend will come around. Let's ask God to wake these people up, huh? I hope Bill is having a good day. Joanie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted July 5, 2003 Share Posted July 5, 2003 As someone pointed out to me when I was complaining about someone who had not responded at all to us -- sometimes they start out with good intentions and when they don't respond right away, they feel guilty and afraid to call, and it just gets worse with time. Lucie has a friend that had never called or dropped a note since the diagnosis. I ran into her at church (I gues she couldn't escape!) and she started in on how busy she has been and how she feels guilty about not calling. I saind, "Don't feel guilty -- call her right away! It will do her much good." Well, she didn't call that day, but she did call that week, and they had a nice phone visit. Lucie was pleased. I guess some people just don't know how to handle someone with cancer. But a call, or a card, or an E-mail is so simple. Ah well! If the friend is important enough, I would make the first move. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaMRG Posted July 6, 2003 Share Posted July 6, 2003 Joanie, As I was reading your post, I was thinking of my friend Andrea. Im very fortunate in the way that I have 2 sisters who I am close to and a few friends that are there for me. But my friend Andrea, whom I have known for 9 years, has backed away from me since my father's diagnosis. She just does not know what to say or how to be there for me. Even the few times we've spoken since the dx she listens for a bit and then changes the subject. This is the hardest thing Ive ever been through and she is not there for me. I go from understanding that this is just the way she is, to thinking "but how could she not even see how things are going". I realize this is just how she is and I'll know not to depend on her. As I said, luckily I do have other friends who have been great. So, try to forgive your friend, Im sure she doesnt mean it. If you have the type of relationship where you can clue her in, that would be great. In the meantime, come here to your cyberfriends when you need support!!! We're here 24/7! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daggiesmom Posted July 6, 2003 Author Share Posted July 6, 2003 Thanks everyone for the support you give me. I was really down and your posts helped me alot. Here's to my cyber friends xoxo Joanie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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