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Lost Friends


daggiesmom

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How do you deal with people who refuse to talk about things that matter the most? My "best friend" has'nt been there for me at all. All she seems to want to talk about is the weather and her carpenter ants that are attacking her house. She said she would come over last weekend, we waited and waited and she never came. My daughter waited, i waited, my husband waited. No Maureen. She called tonight and no mention of why she didn't come outside of "it was a bad weekend." This is the person who i know since 3rd grade! We're 50 years old now. Last summer when I was going thru chemo, she never showed up once. Am i crazy, or what?

Is there something wrong with this relationship? i am so heartbrken over this. She has no idea that i may not be around in a year. What can I do and why do people behave like this?

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I bet she is just plain old scared to see you for lack of knowing what to say to "help". I would give her a call or go see her and just tell her how you are feeling about all of this and how she is handling it. She loves you dearly I am sure (third grade is a long time!!) and probably doesn't know she is hurting you. I have seen forever friends visit my Dad and they initially seem like strangers with him until he breaks the ice with one of his wisecrack jokes. After that the illness factor melts away and it is just two great friends being together...

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Yes,

She probably is scared. When my dad was dx. everyone came out of the woodwork to visit - at least once. Maybe it was to clear their conscious, maybe it was their dutiful "goodbye" visit....who knows. It was like a huge funeral with the guest of honor still alive. I hated it, Dad hardly remembers it - he was so sick then.

Now, 10 months later, he hasn't had one visitor outside of family. I think it does make people afraid of their own mortality - or it is pain that they can easily avoid by being absent. Call it selfish - call it self- preservation - there's nothing you can do about the way others act or re-act.

Talk to your friend. I just believe that she is desperately sorry and sad for you and doesn't want those feelings to show while she is around you. Maybe she thinks she needs to be strong and can't - so she stays away. Seems like you guys have been thru SO MUCH - and this is one friendship worth talking out and saving.

Now, as for those folks who came to pay my dad their last respects 10 months ago....wish I could "na na nee Boo Boo" them today. He's hanging tough and doing ok STILL.

And as for you "might not be around next year" FOOIE ! You and I will be right here next year. you will be posting a post in the good news section that it is your anniversary day and I will be replying to you about how WONDERFUL it is and that you are such an INSPIRATION to us all.

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Joanie, people react to cancer in a variety of ways and there is no predicting what a particular person will do. She may not know what to say or what to do, and you may have to coach her on that. She may be scared of losing you and the pain is so much, she just puts it all out of her mind. We have to forgive people when they don't respond the way we need. But I agree that we have to tell them what we need. If they then continue on the old path, then we have done all we can. You need friends that will respond to you now. Good luck. Don

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Joanie,

I called my husband's good friend from high school when Bill was diagnosed. He was shocked to hear the news and wanted to talk to Bill right away. (They had always phoned each other every few months before all of this happened - they too are in their 50s). Anyway he said he wanted to come see Bill the next week. But he never came, never called. Bill said it was probably just too hard. Here we are 7 months later and still no call. And he lives right here in this city!! I know it hurts Bill but he won't call him and doesn't want me to. I am glad you are going to call your friend.

Blessings to you,

Peg

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Dear Peg,

I'm sorry to hear about Bill's friend. It just goes to show you that some people really CAN"T handle it so it seems they run away. I seem to be hearing more and more of this, so i guess it's a fairly common reaction people have when they hear bad news. In the long run, though, that reaction backfires on them. Hopefully, his friend will come around. Let's ask God to wake these people up, huh? :wink: I hope Bill is having a good day.

Joanie

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As someone pointed out to me when I was complaining about someone who had not responded at all to us -- sometimes they start out with good intentions and when they don't respond right away, they feel guilty and afraid to call, and it just gets worse with time. Lucie has a friend that had never called or dropped a note since the diagnosis. I ran into her at church (I gues she couldn't escape!) and she started in on how busy she has been and how she feels guilty about not calling. I saind, "Don't feel guilty -- call her right away! It will do her much good." Well, she didn't call that day, but she did call that week, and they had a nice phone visit. Lucie was pleased. I guess some people just don't know how to handle someone with cancer. But a call, or a card, or an E-mail is so simple. Ah well! If the friend is important enough, I would make the first move. Don

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Joanie,

As I was reading your post, I was thinking of my friend Andrea. Im very fortunate in the way that I have 2 sisters who I am close to and a few friends that are there for me. But my friend Andrea, whom I have known for 9 years, has backed away from me since my father's diagnosis. She just does not know what to say or how to be there for me. Even the few times we've spoken since the dx she listens for a bit and then changes the subject. This is the hardest thing Ive ever been through and she is not there for me.

I go from understanding that this is just the way she is, to thinking "but how could she not even see how things are going". I realize this is just how she is and I'll know not to depend on her. As I said, luckily I do have other friends who have been great.

So, try to forgive your friend, Im sure she doesnt mean it. If you have the type of relationship where you can clue her in, that would be great.

In the meantime, come here to your cyberfriends when you need support!!! We're here 24/7!

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