A dream and moving on

[lilyjohn]

There will be two parts to this post. One is to tell about a dream I had and the lesson it had predicted for me. The other part will be to tell how I am moving on with my life and the reasons why.

Two nights before Denis died I had a very disturbing dream. I woke very frightened but was not really sure why. I know why now and I know what the dream meant.

I dreamed that I was on a train with my family. I went to use the bathroom and found it quite different than I had expected. It was at the very front of the train where the engine should have been and the whole side slid open and closed. When I left the bathroom I found that my car had been taken away and had moved on with my family and my luggage. I was very upset and wasn't sure what to do. Then I realized that my ex husbands mother was with me. Kind of frightening because she has been dead for nearly 3 years!

I explained to her what had happened and that I needed to get to my family. I saw a bus loading and decided to ask the bus driver if he could take me ahead to catch up with my part of the train. He told me that was why all of the other people were getting on the bus and if I wanted I could go too. I told him that I wanted to but I had to go back and tell my mother in law what I was doing and where I was going. He said to me" No you can't go back it is too late." That is when I woke up.

At first I was very frightened because I was planning a trip here by train next month. I thought that maybe the dream was telling me there would be a problem and I wouldn't make it to my family. I had no explaination for my ex mother in law being in my dream.

When I learned of Denis' death I thought that my dream was a primanition of his death and my mother in law was being substituted for Denis. The trip was my effort to get to my family because they needed me. Now I know what the main message of my dream was. I was being told that I can not go back. I have to go forward. It is too late to change the past.

I have gone through all of the emotions of grief. I have faced the fear and the anger and above all the guilt. I have asked myself if I hadn't left Denis if I could have noticed and made him go to the doctor and save himself. Save my family from the shock and heartbreak they are experiencing now. Deep down I know I couldn't have. The way our marriage was for the last year was destroying us both. The stress my have taken his life earlier or maybe even mine. I also know how he was. He was going to do things his way. No amount of pleading or arguing would have changed that.

It is so easy to look back and say what if. I think about all that was and all that wasn't in our marriage and I think of all that could have been and maybe should have been. I also think of all Johnny and I missed and all that could have been and should have been. All of that hurts but I know that I have to let it go. I have to move forward not backwards. I have to live the life I am given and be thankfull for all that I did have and not live on regrets. That would not be fair to me, Johnny or even Denis.

I will be leaving here soon and I know that too will be another blow especially to my grandchildren, more spacifically to my oldest grandson. He is the one who is the most family oriented the one who was the very closest to Denis. Denis favored him even knowing how much damage that could cause because his mom had so blatantly favored his brother. Now he is gone and I'm not sure I can pick up the pieces he left behind.

I can't take his place with my grandson or any of my grandchildren. I wouldn't want to. I do need to take my place back but that too will be different. I am a different person than I was when I left here. That may be a good thing for them. I know what it is they are going through. Jared doesn't think he should be happy now because he feels like that would be betraying his Paw Paw. I've been there, sometimes I'm still there so I can help him and all of them. I know those emotions and what they can do and maybe because of that I can do for them what no one else can.

As hard as it is to understand and as hard as it is to accept I truly believe that our lives go in the direction they are supposed to. Everything happens for a reason. Life is one big learning experience. There is a beginning and a place where we are supposed to end. We may chose the roads we take to get there but if we go too far astray God gives us a gentle and sometimes not so gentle nudge in the direction He wants us to go.

Having said all of that I will now explain how this pertains to this board. I will continue to come here and read. I will offer support in any way that I can. I can not say that there will not still be times that I will have a melt down and come here for help or support but that will no longer be my primary concern. What I have and am experiencing may be of help to someone. When I feel that it is I will post or PM that person. My roll here may have changed but my heart will always be here and very very thankfull that I found such a great group of people when I needed them so desperately. I want to be here for others who find themselves with that same need.

I have a lot on my mind and a lot of decisions to make but I will take my time. I will not jump the gun and make a decision that I will have to live with just on emotions. Life is too short and too precious to waste on the wrong things. I have been very fortunate to have loved and been loved by two very different but very good men. Life doesn't always play fair but we can not change that. All we can do is play with the cards that we are dealt. God bless and keep each and everyone of you. Lillian

[stand4hope]

Hi, Lily. I replied to you in a PM. This is your family, too. Stay close!

Love,

Peggy

[shirleyb]

Lillian,

Take the time you need to make your decisions. I only wish you the best and that life gives you many warm sunny days and gentle breezes.

Love,

Shirleyb

[Carleen]

(((Lil))))

We love and cherish you here too. Wherever you go, and whatever you decide, you will always be in our hearts and prayers.