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Guilt


bethluvswill13

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I got to unload this. It may be real lengthy.

I lost my dad 2 months ago and it seems like yesterday. I just can't grasp the thought of my dad never coming back.

I guess, today Im struggling with the guilt. You see when my dad was in ICU, I went in to visit during visiting hours and my dad was on a Bi-pap machine(it forces oxygen into your lungs.) During this visit I was alone and telling him I loved him. My dad began trying to cough, knowing he couldn't with this mask on I started pulling off the mask and yelling for help. The nurse and I removed the mask, but dad didn't have enough air to cough, everything started dropping and I got so scared I started helping the nurse to put the mask on, but dad managed to say no Beth no, I started crying and panicked I ran to my mom in the waiting room and collapsed and just cried. You see I let the nurse put the mask on him and I knew my dad was telling me he was ready to go. I didn't listen to him, now I feel so guilty. He suffered through the night and into the next night. The nurse told me she had to put the mask on him and sedated him because he fought her. The rest of the night when I visited him he was restless. He kicked his sheet off and they tied him down. The next morning he was alert and free from the ties, but he told my mom he couldn't live like this, when he spoke these words I knew he had given up. I couldn't muster a response, but my mom told him it was okay. As the day progressed my dad declined, slowly his stats became lower and lower. By the second visit he was put on life support and unbeknownst to me, my mom was aware of his state. I called everyone I could think of and when I visited my dad I told him everyone was coming to be with him. The last visit of the evening my husband showed up and when we walked back as soon as my husband spoke my dad's stats started falling, I believe my dad waited for me to have someone with me before he passed.

I feel so much guilt and sadness over my dad. I know he's whole again and waiting for us to join him, but I can't seem to fight this hump. I called a therapist and made an appointment Im hoping for some relief. Im not the same person I used to be. My dad's sickness and death rule my life now. I can't have a happy thought without demolishing it with a sad one. Im angry with my husband a lot. Little things make me so mad. I cry without a reason, off and on all day. I don't want to laugh or smile anymore. I don't want to go places or see people. I feel so crazy sometimes.

Im sorry I had to let go of this before I exploded. Thanks for listening and if you can help please wrie.

It seems everything I love in or about life is getting farther from me. Im always angry and crying, I feel so alone. I know Im not alone, but I don't have anywhere or anyone to turn to. My husband doesn't understand at all, in fact he thinks I just need medication to fix my feelings. My mom is fighting her on demons and my brothers won't open their hearts.

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Beth,

I totally understand how your feeling, I can't stand the pain of never seeing my father again. His passing took over my whole life I can't think of anything else. It's been 4 mts and I cry on and off everyday.. As for feeling guilty your Dad knew how much you Loved him and he needed the mask to breathe otherwise he would have been struggling,and because you love him so much you could not let him suffer.

Trust me I know how you feel!

If you want to PM to talk please do. It's been 4 mts for me and I'm still a mess :cry:

Love, Michele

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It was good for you to come and get that off your chest. I am sure, though, that your dad would not want you to beat up on yourself. I see nothing wrong in what you did. Your dad knew you loved him and wanted to do what you could for him. So, let go of this and move on. I know your dad would want that. Second guessing does not serve us well. I wish you peace. Don

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Beth,

Getting it out is the only way to feel better.

You will see the therapist and that will help

you, could be fast could take time but you are

doing what is needed.

Good luck Beth and please keep us posted if you

can.

Hugs

Jackie

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Beth, your dad is where he wants to be. He was aware of everything and loved you so much. He did wait for you not to be alone, that shows how much he cared for his little girl.

Don't beat yourself up, it was his time. simple as that. You did NOTHING wrong sweetie. I would have reacted the same way.

My deepest condolences goes out to you and your family.

e=

We are always here for you 24/7. You are alone here

Maryanne

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It is hard for others to understand. When loved one is going through the last stages of cancer- your whole life is consumed with thoughts of them, with caring for them, with trying to get each moment you can with them etc.. and in a sense you lose you in it all. So when the person has passed over - you really aren't the same person you were... and you have to start a new journeyin discovering who you really are now. That journey can bring out all kinds of emotions... anger included. Throughout life you are always learning - that journey never ends. But the being angry, the mourning and the grief.. one day will lessen. Honest they will - but let them go in your own time.. There is no timeline for grief.. and we are all different in how we deal with it.

Be kind to yourself.. and know your father really hasn't left.. He has just given up his earthly body. I bet he is watching over you now - and waiting for your smile.. and laughter to find their way back into your life. *smile*

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I think we all go thru some form of guilt when our loved ones died....

Venting and talking it out is good. Keep doing that! The other posts are right. Your dad loved you so much, he wouldn't want you feeling this way now. and I personally don't see that you did anything wrong. anything you did was out of love. Its all a part of this grieving process we have to go thru.

If you don't have anyone close to you that you can talk to, a counsellor might help. You don't have to feel isolated and alone. We continue to be here for you as well.

Prayers for you and your family,

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Beth,

Your Dad would never want you to feel guilty. You reacted exactly the way I would have. We are never ready to let our parents go...and as you said, your Dad waited for your husband to arrive so that you would have someone with you. I think that going to see a therapist is a wonderful idea. You have to get all of your feelings of guilt out and begin to heal.

I'm praying that each new day will bring a little more comfort to you.

Please let us know how you're doing.

I found this poem and wanted to share it with you.

Cry your tears of sorrow,

Then lay your tears aside;

Don't weep for me forever,

Nor in your sorrow hide.

For I am more alive today,

Than I ever was before;

I am just one heartbeat from you,

On the other side of the door.

To a new life full and free;

Because of Christ,

I've run the race,

And now have victory.

So don't stand there and weep for me,

My battle now is won;

Pick up your helmet, sword and shield,

You have a race to run.

Allison Chambers Coxsey

©1996 ~ All Rights Reserved

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