cindy0519 Posted August 22, 2006 Share Posted August 22, 2006 Sunday marked two months now since my Dad died. In many ways it really isn't getting easier.. just clearer what his presence in my/our life really meant to me/my entire family. His passing has left such a remarkable hole in my heart and life. Funny how you never realize how much your parents are "part" of you even though they might not be active in your day to day life until they are gone. Feels like a huge part of my very foundation is gone and I find myself struggling with how to "recreate" the sense of stability that exsisted in just knowing he was always there. Some days it just hurts like hell and I want the whole world stop and just take a few minutes to acknowledge what a great man he was and how much the world (and especially his family) has lost now that he is gone. Life has begun to return to its normal random crazyness. My youngest daughter is off to college this week (moves into dorms on Friday), we have been in search of a new car for her to take to college (she currently drives our Explorer that is $$$$$ gas wise, so looking for something more economical gas wise). She is the first child in our family to go to a traditonal college right out of high school. Dad would have been SO proud of her..would have just made him beam with pride! I can't bring myself to tell her that because every time I think about it -- I sob. She is so excited that I cannot bring myself to bring her down with my sadness, so I just leave it unspoken. I have been so busy with all that is involved in getting her off to college, all that is going on at work and just everyday life that it seems there is no time to even briefly acknowledge that there are days where just gettting out of bed and not pulling the covers over my head and crying the day away - is an amazing accomplishment! I will fully admit however that I have not verbally told anyone that I need this acknowledgement either. Just needed to vent a bit and acknowledge what a big part of my life my Dad was and just how much "less" many aspects of my life seem without him. I love you Dad -- you will always be in my heart! I miss you more than I ever could have imagined!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamasbabygirl Posted August 22, 2006 Share Posted August 22, 2006 ((((Cindy)))) You were an amazing daughter. I wish things could be different, but you seem to always make the best of situations. I look up to you and your ability to get up and out from under those covers. I feel the same way so many days... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Linda661 Posted August 22, 2006 Share Posted August 22, 2006 Cindy: I hear you so clear on that haunting feeling that the foundation is gone. I myself haven't quite come to terms with what that means yet, but it's so there. While I think right now that my stability going forward is fine.......the issue of stability at an emotional level still nags at me when I think about it. I often find myself staring out the kitchen window of the house I shared with my parents for the last 16 years, just thinking about the support they gave in their own special ways to me. Most of it seems to stem around what they gave to me in their advice when I was unsure of myself with whatever I was facing at the time....that's the biggest part so far that is unsettling me. Glad you vented about the "lessness" that's occuring -- is there for many of us, I'm sure. Linda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindy0519 Posted August 23, 2006 Author Share Posted August 23, 2006 The advice and the little things I never really paid much attention to before are indeed the things that leaving me feeling a bit "unstable" now too Linda. If I could use an anology -- you know if you look at a brick foundation for a house ...you see the bricks and even if you can not see much or any of the cement between them you know it is there and you know it is holding everything together. Guess in ways I never before realized or recogonized.. my Dad was my cement - he helped me to build the foundation of the person that I am. So now I am feeling more and more like a large part of the cement has gone from the bricks and all the bricks are beginning to shift ever so slightly without the presence of the cement. The "thing" I am searching/longing for... is how to keep them all where the belong without the whole thing crumbling to the ground until I can allow myself to add/create new cement! While my Dad was so far away (him in Az and me in Oh) there was never a question that if I really needed anything - he was only a phone call away. There haven't been more than a couple times in my life when that "urgent" phone call has been necessary -- but now it isn't even an option...and that hurts!! Between this and the fact that Dad was just beginning to reconnect with his grandchildren who are now young adults and was really looking forward to sharing all the exciting events that happen in a young adults life with them - now both they and Dad are missing out on those shared times. I see all that is happening in their lives now and know how proud their Grandpa would be and how much he want to be a part of it all....just makes me sad to my core! The Explorer that my daughter drives had a brake cylinder lock up and a brake line break last night while she was on the way to a friends house - thank God she was able to control the thing and not hit anyone or anything... but my first instinct after making sure she was safe was to call Dad (who was a heavy duty mechanic)to see what he thought might be looking at for repairs. This was our normal routine when we had car repair issues... I was actually dialing the phone before I realized he is not there . Its just things like this ...the simple everyday life things really - that are compounded by missing him and leave me feeling weak and more than a tad unstable at times. Thank God he raised us to be strong, indepedent individuals... otherwise I think the crumpling could happen very easily at this point . Lori - thanks for you kind words, I really needed them-- made me teary reading your reply. Have to say that you as well as one of the people from this board that I have always looked up to as well. Your strength and determination to overcome despite all the challenges... is VERY admirable! So I am touch that you would say that you look up to me. THANKS! So thankful for everyone here (and for this board) - its nice to know that there is a place to just let my mind wander! Right now its seems that DH is so worried about how I am taking Dad's death, that every tear or sad moment seems to equal deep depression in his mind. So I find myself trying not minimize his exposure to my sadness at times and being able to come here and just say what is in my mind/heart really helps! God Bless, Cindy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Linda661 Posted August 23, 2006 Share Posted August 23, 2006 Cindy: That cement analogy is great. However, I don't think of the cement as gone around my foundation -- it's still there in all our history together, who I basically am, and my memories of how my dad and I handled things together when I needed him. The brick building (me) is just going to continue to grow, but I'll need to make more cement, so now what? Well, my dad gave me the formula for it, didn't he, by example, with all his help in my life....his presence just represents that he actually mixed the mortar for me and helped me lay it on those bricks.....but I do have the formula in my memories of how we handled things together -- it's just my turn to use all that wisdom to mix that new mortar now for the new bricks I need to lay. My unsettledness comes from wondering whether I will mix as strong a mortar as my foundation contains for the rest of me. The foundation of who you are won't change (that's the love) -- it's that very strength that will allow us to continue on. Linda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindy0519 Posted August 23, 2006 Author Share Posted August 23, 2006 Ahhhhhh....yes Linda. You have hit the nail on the head. This is exactly what I am struggling with as well... "My unsettledness comes from wondering whether I will mix as strong a mortar as my foundation contains for the rest of me. " I too know that all he taught me throughout my life, all that I have learned through life experience ect will indeed help me to "find my way" --it was just nice to always have the additional comfort of his advice/support and I miss it immensely already! You have really helped me to clarify my thoughts and it really helps very much....a BIG THANKS to you!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Linda661 Posted August 24, 2006 Share Posted August 24, 2006 You've helped me too Cindy by posting your thoughts -- I hadn't really put that feeling into perspective yet either, until now. This is where we have to have some confidence and trust in ourselves and know that we were trained well by our dads -- even apprentice brick layers go out on their own at some point. That's where we are now. Linda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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