cindy0519

There is a quote about a girls first true love being her father....tomorrow morning marks 5 years since my "first true love", my Daddy, left this earth. I feel a bit odd coming here since I haven't been on for so long. I "peek in" now and then and pray for everyone always..but but somehow tonight I really just needed to post here. This time of the year is always very difficult. Dad's last conscious day was Father's Day. This was the last day I saw his scruffy face smile, heard him grumble about things that others were doing that made him grumpy, this night was to be our last hug/kiss good night, the last time he told me he loved me...oh, if I'd have only known how final that kiss/hug and I love you were I miss him more than I might have ever imagined and long to simply have him back...even for a moment. And yet I am still so surrounded by his "presence"....I had to quickly go to the restroom to avoid crying in front of my team at lunch today..we were eating a a hole in the wall chili dog place and I found myself bought to tears by being surrounded by mounted elk, deer, javelina, and a buffalo heads. My Dad was avid hunter and had all of these same mounts in his home. I was fine and then suddenly I was totally overcome with emotion just looking at the stupid mounts in this little chili dog place. Yesteday while driving, and thinking of him (ok...and shedding a few tears ) the song "Love Without End, Amen" suddenly came on the radio. This was a song which he told me, while he was sick, that he wanted to dance to at my wedding as it decribed perfect how he felt about his children. We danced instead to Celine Dion's "Because You Loved Me" because it decribed how I feel about him and he told me any song would be fine with him I find myself thinking that it should be getting easier, and most days I suppose it is...but these days are just so DAMN HARD! I know he would be hate me being this way and so I allow myself these moments and move on with life as he would have wanted but WOW..for these moments it is just simply all I can do to just breath in. Thanks for listening and for giving me a place to just " live in this moment" .... I need it every now and then! My thoughts and prayers are will you always, Cindy

This song tocuhes me in a way I somehow find very comforting and though others might as well...hope you enjoy! Here is a link to the song on you tube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JkKnTl7oVUQ Here are the lyrics: Artist: Krauss Alison Song: Away Down the River Album: A Hundred Miles Or More: A Collection Baby dry your eyes There's no need to cry Cause I'll see you again It might be a while Before you understand Chorus: I'm just away down the river A hundred miles or more Crossing over Jordan To the other shore I'll be standing waiting With all who've gone before I'm just away down the river A hundred miles or more Now the pictures on the wall Will help you to recall They're not there To make you sad But to remember All the good times we had (Chorus) (Instrumental) When it's time to leave You're gonna feel the mountain breeze And the snow will fill the stream And carry you to me (Chorus)

I haven't posted here for a long time....and yet somehow just needed to today. Today would have been my Dad's 70th birthday. There isn't a day passes without at least some small thought of him and of how very much I miss him. 3 1/2 years have passed now since he left us and most days I can now think of him and laugh rather than cry... he was such a huge part of my life...my rock and foundation! There's nobody like my Dad...I miss him so very much today and every day. Happy Birthday in heaven Daddy! Wishing you were here to hug tightly and tell how much you mean to me and our family. I love you mucho!! And this is all the :cry: I will do today, I promise!

If I were the king of the world..

I think that this quick loading video says far more than I could ever do with words. God Bless our Troops!!! And may God continue to Bless America!! If I Die Before You Wake - Powered by Flashpoint http://www.flashdemo.net/gallery/wake/index.htm

Red roses were her favorites, her name was also Rose. And every year her husband sent them, tied with pretty bows. The year he died, the roses were delivered to her door. The card said, "Be my Valentine," like all the years before. Each year he sent her roses, and the note would always say, "I love you even more this year, than last year on this day." "My love for you will always grow, with every passing year." She knew this was the last time that the roses would appear. She thought, he ordered roses in advance before this day. Her loving husband did not know, that he would pass away. He always liked to do things early, way before the time. Then, if he got too busy, everything would work out fine. She trimmed the stems, and placed them in a very special vase. Then, sat the vase beside the portrait of his smiling face. She would sit for hours, in her husband's favorite chair. While staring at his picture, and the roses sitting there. A year went by, and it was hard to live without her mate. With loneliness and solitude, that had become her fate. Then, the very hour, as on Valentines before, The doorbell rang, and there were roses, sitting by her door. She brought the roses in, and then just looked at them in shock. Then, went to get the telephone, to call the florist shop. The owner answered, and she asked him, if he would explain, Why would someone do this to her, causing her such pain? "I know your husband passed away, more than a year ago," The owner said, "I knew you'd call, and you would want to know." "The flowers you received today, were paid for in advance." "Your husband always planned ahead, he left nothing to chance." "There is a standing order, that I have on file down here, And he has paid, well in advance, you'll get them every year. There also is another thing, that I think you should know, He wrote a special little card...he did this years ago." "Then, should ever, I find out that he's no longer here, That's the card...that should be sent, to you the following year." She thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears now flowing hard. Her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached to get the card. Inside the card, she saw that he had written her a note. Then, as she stared in total silence, this is what he wrote... "Hello my love, I know it's been a year since I've been gone, I hope it hasn't been too hard for you to overcome." "I know it must be lonely, and the pain is very real. For if it was the other way, I know how I would feel. The love we shared made everything so beautiful in life. I loved you more than words can say, you were the perfect wife." "You were my friend and lover, you fulfilled my every need. I know it's only been a year, but please try not to grieve. I want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears. That is why the roses will be sent to you for years." "When you get these roses, think of all the happiness, That we had together, and how both of us were blessed. I have always loved you and I know I always will. But, my love, you must go on, you have some living still." "Please...try to find happiness, while living out your days. I know it is not easy, but I hope you find some ways. The roses will come every year, and they will only stop, When your door's not answered, when the florist stops to knock." "He will come five times that day, in case you have gone out. But after his last visit, he will know without a doubt, To take the roses to the place, where I've instructed him, And place the roses where we are, together once again." ~ Author Unknown

Thoughts and prayers to you and your family. My deepest sympathy! Cindy

((VAL))) No words of great wisdom....just many warm wishes for a Happy Birthday! Cindy

So sorry...my deepest sympathy. Cindy

You and your mom are in my thoughts and prayers! Cindy

Here I sit weeping... I recall the panicked trip from Ohio to Arizona where my Dad was. Knowing the end was near and yet so very deparately not wanting it to be so was pure HELL! And then suddenly from no where in the last week while Dad was in a hospice inpatient facility..we found PEACE...an overwhelming and very comforting sense of peace that is really hard to explain to those who have not experienced it firsthand but it was SUCH A BLESSING! We had the best week just spending time with each other and cherishing each and every second. My Dad too never talked of death and said the same "it's not time yet" right up until the bitter end. But those last few days were remarkable for our family as I am sure they are for yours. Cling tightly to them in the days ahead, these memories and the love of your family will see you through what is to come. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. May your Dad find comfort in his family and peacefully make his way to heaven. I'm too am SO VERY sorry that you must go through this..but very glad that you are able to be there. May the peace of God's grace be with you always! Cindy

Lori, WOW...your post speaks directly to my heart. I wish I had words yet the only that come to mind are...you are not alone, I am right there with you. Grief has moved in full time here to. Praying you find peace and comfort soon! Cindy

(((Rochelle))) Today would have been my Dad's 67th birthday. While I got to have him here with me awhile longer than you did your mother....it still hurts like hell! As many have said already be kind to yourself. Your mother loved you for who you are..faults and all! Happy Birthday! to your Mom and PEACE to you, Cindy

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD, not a day passes when you are not in my thoughts,my prayers and in my heart! While you are not bodily here I know that your spirit and love is with us always. Today would have been Dad's 67th birthday. A lot of "first" are hitting me all at once..thanksgiving, christmas, a new year and now his birthday. It's just so damn hard and hurts like hell...most days it seems even harder now than when he died in June. I have been VERY busy with work and sort of taking the approach of staying so busy that I don't have time to think about it. Frankly, denial is a great coping mechanism for me most days. When I actually allow myself time to think about it all - its almost an all consumming feeling of emptiness and sadness. I know he would not want for me (or anyone he knew and loved for that matter) he always said loud and clear that his one wish would be that our lifes would go on as normal, that we wouldn't greive for him. So I try to pick myself up and tackle one day at a time but I'd be lying if I didn't admit how darn difficult it is at times! I allow myself to cry and feel sad..but only in small spurts - then I think of Dad and how often he told me "life should go on" and it often makes me grin and sometime even chuckle (did he really think we could not grieve??? )..so I wipe away the tears and get on with life. I have been reading everyones post and often sit and shed a tear while shaking my head in agreement and feeling the pain of recalling many of the same events and emotions that many here post about. I haven't been able to bring myself to post. I have tried many times but end up deleting the reply. I don't really feel like I "know" how to be an uplifting voice right now and don't want to add to others suffering - so I just read and often weep with you. Wishing you all a peaceful and love filled new year! Cindy

Andrea, I have twin granddaughters that were born at 26 weeks with weights of 1lb 2ounces and 13 ounces due to TTTS. The larger baby and donor(Destiny) spent just over 3 months in the NICU and the smaller baby and recipient(Faith)spent almost 8 months in the NICU. The complications and challenges that both babies faced were nothing short of amazing and very very heart wretching! In our case (thank God!) neither baby died though we did have many, many, many touch and go times with Faith and still continue to have issues today (it is highly unlikely that she will see her 5th birthday due to the many complications that she continues to battle related to the TTTS). Having experienced the effects of TTTS and sat in the NICU for many, many long days and nights I would suggest the following ideas: * if you can find micro premie clothes or even doll clothes that don't look like doll clothes they would be very good. When you can finally put "clothes", even just a cap, on your child for the first time it is SO incredible and something you long for since doing things like this make you feel like your baby is "normal". Often the NICU has some things but nothing is the same as putting your child in "their own clothes"! * the NICU staff told us music was soothing for the babies and made them breath, maintain stable vitals and grow better- so any CD's of baby themed music or relaxing sounds and a small (the NICU is very crowded) CD player would be a good idea * same as a caregiver for a cancer patient - I'm sure mom and dad are spending every waking moment in the NICU - maybe you can offer to run errands, do laundry, wash dishes etc. I know next to nothing got done at my house for quite a long time as it was more important to be at the hospital than mopping a floor * Ask mom or dad if they would like company for a while at the NICU - I can't tell you how many times I sat alone in the NICU and it would have been nice to have a some company sometimes * Maybe a couple of books on caring for a preemie. The Preemie Parents Companion: The Essential Guide to Caring for Your Preemie in the Hospital, at Home, and Through the Years by Susan L. Madden was at each isolette in the NICU the girls were in and was so helpful in explaining some of the things and medical terms we encountered that we bought one for home too. Sorry to right a book. Also if they haven't found it yet there is a TTTS Foundation and with a simple phone call they can get a packet of information that will be very helpful. They also have a discussion board that is fairly active and offers some much needed support. The website is http://www.tttsfoundation.org/nicusupport.html I can only imagine how difficult this time is for your friends. In the 8 months we were in the NICU we saw many families experience this heartache and it left me breathless each and every time. I will definately keep your friends and their babies in my prayers. I pray the stay in the NICU is short and the baby continues to progess to a strong and healthy child! Cindy

Awww.....gave me chills just to read, can't image how it felt for you. What a powerful and moving experience. Glad you have found peace. Cindy

Condolences seem inadequate and words seem so shallow in trying to express how sorry I am to hear about your Dad's death. My prayers are with our family. May you feel God's loving presence as He helps and comforts you in the days ahead.

Reading your post take me back four months to Dad's death but if sharing his/my experience can help you in any way I am more than willing to do so. He too was vomitting each and every time he put a bite of food into his body and for days prior to his admission to the inpatient hospice facility...even when he didn't eat. It was horrifing to watch and the effect/impact it had on his body was very physically visual. Once he entered the inpatient hospice facility they were able to control the vomitting very well with a cream (something their pharmacy mixed that consisted of several anti-nausea meds) that they applied to his wrist twice a day. While this did not stop the vomitting if he ate - it did slow it WAY down and did not in any way effect his ability to remain alert! Maybe this is something can ask about. On Dad's second day in hospice the nurse pulled me to the side and asked me about my thoughts on how long Dad might have(this is the first time I had actually allowed myself to say out loud that he was dying)...my guess was two weeks and the nurse shook her head in agreement. She explained that his vomitting was a sign of his body shutting down and that we should not encourage him to eat any longer but rather find other ways to provide "comfort or care for him" such as helping him shower, message, taking him out to put his feet in the pool (which he loved to do!) etc. She said as long as he continued to eat, rather than his body digesting the food....he would simply continue to vomit. She said some people continue to want food (for the taste) and if this was the case we could have Dad chew and spit the food out rather than swallow it...but only if HE wanted to do so. She explained that often times eating is worse for a patient at this stage than not eating... it may cause congestion, pain etc. She explained that people can (and do) often live up to a month with no food what so ever. Funny that on the very next day I took Dad to the surgeon to have some staples removed and in the car on the way back to the hospice facility he said "they (the hospice staff) do not force me to eat.. they simple offer and let me eat what if any I want... I like it!" ..I took this as a hint that the nurse had been right and Dad too was ready to no longer eat. During the conversation the prior day the nurse had said that Dad was in the "pre-active stage of dying" and that if one thing changed it would be a "big change" and that any change could result in his death. We talked about my wanting to be there when he died and she,like others here, pointed out that only God and Dad are in control of that - that I should prepare for the potential that he might die when I "just step out of the room for a second". However, they would monitor him very closely and would point out any changes (especially "big changes")that would indicate that he was in an active stage of death to us immediately. She explained that when this time comes she would recommend that we gather anyone who wants to be there and we as a family could decide on when or if to begin a bedside vigil. Dad's big change (huge change in breathing and level of alertness) came Father's Day during the wee hours of the night..during the morning hours on Monday he was very lethargic(something new for him as prior to this when he was awake he was VERY alert and engaged)- by late afteroon he was having longer and longer periods of no breathing ("Cheyne Stokes")between breaths and was almost totally unresponsive (other than raising his eyebrows when you talked to him,as if he was trying to respond and just couldn't figure out how). Around eleven that morning Dad suddenly reached up as if to take someones hand and pulled himself out of bed as if he had never been ill or in a weakened state. Afraid he might fall.. I said "Dad...where are you going?" I had to say this twice and finally he replied "oh.. no where" and laid back down. I really do not think that he even knew this occured as he immediately went right back into what appeared to be a deep sleep. We placed a monitor on his bed just in case this might occur again with no one in the room. Throughout the remainder of the afternoon, evening and into the night our family all gathered and each person spent some one on one time with Dad saying our final goodbyes. They (hospice) continued to give Dad pain meds and Ativan (which seemed to really help with aggitation and restlessness)throughout the night and we continued to see longer periods of no breathing between breaths and less and less response from Dad when we talked to him. As someone else had mentioned they told us to not stroke Dad as it seemed to be very aggitating to him - his breahing became very loud and almost seemed like a painful/sad moan. The nurse said he was trying to let go but each touch brought him back..as hard as it was not to do this..it did seem that once we no longer touched him he was able to be more peaceful. We all just sat either in his room or out on the little patio outside his door and talked about growing up, things that were happening in our lives now etc. Around 5:00 a.m. Dad no longer had a radial pluse and the nurse indicated that it would not likely be much longer. At 7:45 the nurse came in and check him again and said she was going to give him a bit more medicine at 8:00 am -- I stepped out to tell SM who was on the patio what the nurse had just said and noticed my sister out of the corner of my eye..my sister who is an RN quickly move from the chair at the foot of Dad's bed to sitting beside him on the bed. I rushed back to the room and motioned for SM to come quickly...Dad drew his last very shallow, weak breath will all of us standing at his bedside, holding hands in a circle around him on the bed. After a few minutes, one of my sisters went to get the nurse and she confirmed that while he did have somewhat of "flutter" of a heart beat for a few seconds..he was indeed gone. It was the hardest moments of my entire life..but I would not have missed one second of it! They told us to spend as much time with him as we "needed" and after about two hours they called the mortuary for us. We were with him when they came and watched as they drapped him in a beautiful quilt and took him from the room to the hertz. As sad as this all was there was also a very comforting sense of peace amoungst us. Talk very frankly and openly to hospice about the fact that you want to be there and what to expect. Ask them about a flyer that goes through the stages of "pre-active dying" and "active-dying". If they don't have anything PM me and I will send you some information. The most important thing (in my humble and not so important opinion) is that you can do is exactly what you are doing now...be with your mother and just love her for who she is!!! I'll be thinking of you and praying for peace and comfort for your family. There are MANY (way too many) of us here who know from experience just how incredibly hard this process is.... we are here if you need anything. Peace be with you, Cindy

While some of the facts are very different, when Dad finally agreed to hospice it too was at the bitter end and he didn't say "yes it is time" but rather gave into the situation because he was too weak to agrue any longer. I returned to PHX after my gut feelings that "things were just not right" in the conversations that we had been having over the phone during my three days back in OH finally won out ... and I hopped a plane from OH to PHX unannouced until my arrival in PHX. I arrived to find my Dad an utter mess! He has like looking at a dead person...literally. I will spare you any further details of his appearance - but it was astonighing and I had to forced myself to not burst into tears at the mere sight of him! I honestly believe had we not done something that day -- he wouldn't have seen the next day. I told him he was NOT going to do this to himself in my presence. I would NOT stand by and watch him suffer and do nothing to easy his pain or the vomitting that was destroying him ... no matter what that might mean (and I meant every word of it!). It would have broke my heart into a million piece to have had to declare him and SM incompetent and inforce my POA rights..but there was no way in hell I was going to allow his last days to be like that and seeing him in this condition and seeing his immense suffering ...was completely shattering my heart anyway. I told him his only options were to go by ambulance to the hospital or let me figure out what could be done with hospice. He was so weak and exhausted that his only reply was to admit how weak he was and that he did not have the engery to make any decisions. He said SM and I should discuss it and he would do whatever we felt best. In the end he was admitted to a hospice in patient unit and while I know he did not want to be there and did not really believe that he "needed" to be there yet, he did comment several times during his stay that he was glad he was there and that he was comfortable in being there. He always mentioned going home, even up to the day before he died, but I know that he had no regrets about hospice once he was actually there and had a chance to see that his worst fears (everyone giving up and loosing all hope) were not coming true. I know others have said it...but your Mom is bound to be scared senseless and I would guess that much of her anger and venom is based on fear and the many, many unknowns that she is facing. Dad never said so but I suspect that he thought that entering hospice would mean that we (SM&I) who had provided MUCH of his care would somehow or for some reason disappear from the picture and that he would be left alone. In fact he eventually on his fifth night in the hospice house say "I don't want to be alone, do you think someone could stay with me at night too"...so I know that he was fearful of being alone and dying alone. Remember, actions speak louder than words... as soon as your Mom sees that you are not going to leave her and things will be "ok" with hospice, I'd bet that she too will find the sense of peace that it to my Dad eventually was able to find with hospice. My heart breaks for you... I know how very, very hard that period of time (about a month or month and a half for my Dad)between the doctors saying there was nothing more they could do and Dad finally going into hospice was for me, for my family, and most importantly for my Dad. I pray that your Mom will find that "just signing the papers" will be a good thing - and that she as well as yourself and family, will like my Dad, myself and my family - be able to find comfort and peace in hospice despite all her fears and inital objections. Please know that I am thinking of you (and your Mom)and praying for comfort and peace for you both!! I'm so sorry you are faced with all of this. Cindy

We struggled through this with my Dad. He was initally told in April that he was out of treatment options and should look into hospice. He wanted no part of it!! Just saying the word "hospice" made him feel like we were all giving up and just ready to let him die (which of course we were not in any way shape or form). We went through a stage where just raising the subject made him very vocal and very angry. However as things progressed and he became sicker we(he and I)finally were able to have a VERY frank discussion (toward the beginning of June)about how difficult his care was for SM to handle on her own (she was talking about nursing homes at this point actually) and how if he didn't allow me to return to Az to help and allow us (SM & myself) to find someone (hospice, home health care...whatever)to assist/support us as well as him -- this was going to be a long hard road...one none of us needed/wanted to endure. The conversation we had that finally "worked" focused on what I believe were THE two critical issues for my Dad: 1.) Hopsice does NOT mean ANYONE was giving up. It just means that rather than focusing on treatment and all the ups and downs that come with that on a day to day basis... our focus was going to change to one of "living life as it is...for each moment we had, no matter how long or short that might be." No more trips to the doctor, no more being stuck with needles, no more hospitalizations, no more trips to the drug store -- just focusing on being with each other and savoring each and every precious moment HOWEVER WE CHOOSE with the assistance of hopsice to make sure that he was comfortable (that his pain was well managed) and that we had whatever we might need to help to ensure that we could make him comfortable at our disposal. 2). If he got into a hospice program and it did not work for him... he could AT ANY POINT ..say he was done and no longer wanted to participate. This would include if he regained strength and was ready once again to tackle active treatment options or if he just plain didn't feel like this was working for him. I had to make him understand that HE ALONE was in charge and being in hospice care would not take away any of what little control of his life he had left. There would be no democracy and no dictator other than HIM... if it didn't work for him we would simply say "no thank you" and move on to the next option and we WOULD find a "next option". All of this said.. I have to tell you that my Dad verbally agreed to hospice when we had this conversation, but not to immediately calling hospice. He said "not right now, but "If" I have to go back to the hospital..then I will sign on with hospice." I let him know that I knew this was not an easy choice for him to make..but this would not be a journey he would take alone we would all be "along for every moment/breath of the ride" holding his hand and loving him with all our might. I think he also needed to hear me tell him that, in that instant, in that situation... being there to help him was THE most important thing in my life - it was where I wanted to be and more importantly where I NEEDED to be...unless of course he didn't want me there. To which he smirked and grinned and said "I didn't say that." Throughout his illness I had often been the only person that he would discuss things related to lung cancer/death with. He refused to talk to any of my siblings about these "hard to face" subjects and often would not discuss them in much detail with SM either. So these types of convesations had become much of a norm for the two of us and I knew that the silly grin and response was saying...I couldn't do it/face it without you but I need to hear you say it wasn't a burden for you to be here. Unfortunately 10 days after this very conversation - we did indeed return to the hopsital, but only for a referral to hospice..no agressive treatment. Dad entered a hospice inpatient facility(that was an actual house converted to a hospice home) for what was supposed to be 3 or 4 days to stablize him. He spent 10 days there before he died..but it was 10 days I know he truly enjoyed and was a peace with. They did an EXCELLENT job of making him (and us for that matter) comfortable and we did have the opportunity to make a few final "good memories" - that my family and I will treasure forever! I know how hard this subject is...my heart breaks for you! I hope that you are able to find a way to have a "good heart to heart" with your Mom about hospice as I finally was able to do with my Dad. It truly did bring us both some much needed peace! Thinking of you and sending many prayers for your family. Cindy

Andrea, So glad that you are listening to the doctor that you trust and not rushing into what appears to be a majory surgery and will no doubt have a lasting impact on the way you live. Is there any way you can get a PET scan (even if they don't think this will show up?)- as we have discussed previously it would rule out a lot of things and just act as a mind reliever -- which is priceless at this point I'd say. Would also be a great baseline test should you need anything related to this in the future. Just some thoughts. I'll be thinking of you and wishing/praying for only good news! Cindy

If I close my eyes and shut out the world..I too can hear my Dad saying words along those same lines Lori. Of course in my case they would be proceeded with the "I'm not telling you how to live your life, but..." line that Dad was so famous for starting most of our serious conversations with. AMEN!!!Brings me to tears EVERY time I allow myself to "really" think about it. Breaks my heart into a million pieces every single time - as I suspect it does your and other on this board as well. It truly does SUCK!!!

I SO understand!!! (((KIM))) DH and I have had conversations along these same lines since my Dad's death. Dad was always (or for many years of my life) a single parent prior to marrying my SM....so in many ways I too am now parentless. My mother has bounced in and out (more out than in) of our lives since she and Dad divorced when I was 4 and I have not seen or heard from her for almost 10 yrs now. SM and I have never had a parent/child type of relationship as I had already married and moved from home when she and Dad married, so our relationship has been one of mutual respect rather than parent/child. I would never think of putting either of them on a medical form as nearest relative... not meaning that in a bad way just wouldn't feel comfortable doing so as neither one fits a parental role in my life. DH says I do still have parents - as his parents are also my "parents". I have tried to explain that in some odd way -- it just isn't the same thing. I know without any doubt that they would do anything for me... but it just doesn't feel the same and I am not sure it ever will. So while I do definately have other support systems ... they just can not and will not ever take the place of Dad .

Its just hard as hell! Wish I had "magic words" that could take it all away for you...for myself.. and for all those who have lost loved ones to this beast. Words just seem so hollow...its really ok to be a mess (and perhaps part of the grieving process) - just know that you are not alone, there are many of us here who are walking a very similar path. Hoping that the days to come pass more gently for you. (((LORI)) Wishing you peace, Cindy

(((JEN)))) I know exactly what you are saying. My Dad's death hit me hard at about a month too - just left me a sobbing mess for a couple days. I have no words of great wisdom or magic wands but wanted to say ...I understand...I too feel this pain...I too cry and at times for apparently no physical reason (other than simply my subconsious acknowledging that my Dad is no longer on this earth). Wishing you gentle, peaceful days ahead! Cindy