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A moment in this time


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I wish i were asleep, it is what i look forward to most besides getting my daughter safely off the school bus each day. My family worries about me, I am worried about me. I have not cried (except at the hospital while the 'process (hate that word) or after having a few drinks : to almost force the sadness). I dont even terribly miss my mom yet....it sounds so awful to say but i remain numb for the most part. My mom died almost 1 month ago on Jan 10, 2007. I should of took it in by now...

i think of her all the time, go to call home from my cell phone quite often (she lived with me). her ashes sit in my living room. my 2 sisters cry all the time, my brothers dont say too much....

i find myself trying to relive the timeline exactly (the 6 days before she died especially) because i am afraid to forget. i wrote it down too. also i wrote her a letter which makes me tear up but even that does not make me cry.

i read the posts about the pain, and i understand the pain but cannot actually feel it on a personal level even yet. i wonder strange things, like why cant i FEEL my mom at all? i should FEEL her, like i did the first couple of days after she died.

with my home responsibilities i wonder if maybe i havent had enough time to process? well, no one else has more time than i do i think. i took her ashes out of the box they give you, i thought i smelled her but i am not sure. not to be morbid, but i loved my mom very very much...her ashes hold no scare to me, nor does her spirit....

i find myself wondering whether i did all the right things, wishing i had said more, done more. i just dont know. i worry about my 8 yr old, who is responding almost exactly like i am, occassionally saying 'i miss nanny' and that is it. she was my daughters 2nd mom, shouldnt she be grieving hard? i want to show her how to do it but i cant fake what i cant feel.

my sisters want to clean out her bedroom, i cannot. i cant remove her pajamas especially (she loved her pj's). i feel protective of her things...i dont want anyone to touch anything or even be in her bedroom. i feel like hey, that is moms stuff, dont you dare touch it. but i feel ok when i look at her things, like i have some divine permission....weird, isnt it?

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For what it's worth, I didn't 'feel' like I thought I should for a long, long time with my mom. I had a lot going on immediately after even aside from the funeral and it took a while before I had 'space' to deal with it like I needed to, and that was part of it for me, but it was also just a numbness. Our brains try to protect us, and sometimes that means some of us only feel it in bits and pieces at first.

I can remember having the same feeling of why can't I feel my Mom in the weeks after her death. The first two days she was so THERE still. I felt her laughing and smiling.... And then I couldn't feel that anymore. It doesn't mean she's not there... It's just... grief and the way we are.

Nobody does this the same way as anybody else. Give yourself permission to be where you're at.

(((((hugs))))) to you.

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It's only been a month...the emoptions will be plentiful and weird and at times feel counter to what you'd expect.

It's what it is.

It sucks.

I haven't even looked at the box mom's ashes are in, they are still in the bag the handed to me...I don't want to open the bag.

I have began to grapple with the "feeling her" not "feeling her" thing. I thought I'd have more of that. But that's not really the rule is it? The rule is when they depart from the earth, we don't get to be with them and experience them like we want...we will later though. That's how I am trying to deal with this.

I'm really sorry. I know this is agonizing.

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