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Blueberry pancakes


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That was my triger this time, blueberry pancakes. A couple of weeks ago the store where I shop put blueberries on sale. I bought a large container. I ate some on cereal and made good use of a lot of them but there was still enough left that I had to cook them down.

I made a pancake and used the blueberries in place of syrup. All of a sudden the memories hit me it was like a knife stabbing through my heart even now after nearly five years. Johnny could't eat regular syrup it gave him the shakes. I started buying blue berries and making blueberry pancakes for him and blueberry syrup to put on them. He love that so much. He always bragged about how special I made him feel.

I think a lot of my problem is that this is the time of year that we were together 5 years ago. The happiest months of my life. We had so many plans and dreams but after only 5 short months all of our plans and dreams died with him that cold white December morning.

It didn't seem posible that I could survive one day without him. I thought the pain would just eat me up until there was nothing left of me. Now here I am nearly 5 years later and I did survive and most of the time I am doing pretty well. Then something happens like blueberry pancakes and I start to bottom out again. Maybe not depression but a real deep slump for a couple of weeks.

At times it upsets me just knowing that I have survived so long without my Johnny. We had such a short time together I need the pain because it reminds me that what I had with Johnny was real not just a beautiful dream that ended as a nightmare.

Five years ago and I still need this place to come to so I can get some of these feelings off of my chest. With so many of you who are new to the loss of your spouse or soulmate I feel funny taking up time and space here. I wish too that I could be up and light hearted all of the time so all of you who are new to this pain would know that it does get better. There are just times like now when I don't feel like I will ever be an example to show that.

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