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kamataca

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Everything posted by kamataca

  1. I don't know if any of you have experienced this. I have recently come to the conclusion that I didn't just "lose" my Mom a year ago (an odd expression if I've ever heard it, but I digress)...I think I got lost along the way myself. My birthday was last month. My husband asked me to make the traditional birthday list, but I couldn't think of a single thing to put down. What do I enjoy? What do I do? Surely I am a person with interests....this didn't use to be so hard. I think that I spent two years putting so much love and energy into being Mom's caregiver, and when that was taken away, so was a big part of who I am. I am still a wife, and a mom, and a teacher....but if you peel those layers away, I don't know what is left. I have no more 'roots'--no mom or dad, no grandparents. Maybe I've forced myself to be numb for so long to dull the pain, I lost whatever was there in the first place. I really am at a loss. Recently I sent an email to a friend, updated her on all the kids' activities, and what was going on with my DH. She asked what was going on with ME---I don't know. Ben Folds has a great song called "The Best Imitation of Myself"---I think that is how I have been living the past year. Has anyone else gone through this? Am I ahead of the curve on my mid-life crisis (I really think I'm too young for that )? I'm not sure how to get back to being "me". Thanks for listening.
  2. Music does a lot for me. Whatever I need, it is there: listening to Jimmy Buffet's "Breathe in, Breathe Out ,Move On," helps mellow me out. Driving blasting out My Chemical Romance's "Black Parade,"...even some good church songs, when I am open to that. I put on my iPod , switch on whatever music I'm in the mood for, and take a walk. Not that I have done it lately, but I really do much better when I am doing some form of exercise. That physical exertion, and shutting my mind down flushes some of the negative energy away. Keeping busy helps--or delays---I'm not sure which. Peace, Kelly
  3. I really do get it---I'm right there with you. Plus I was asked to make a career-changing move this week. I decided I couldn't do it right now. I just can't. To heck with the people who don't understand. Keep moving forward. You'll make it. Kelly
  4. Joining the "one year ago today" club. I was OK most of the day....then I sat at my students' graduation. Maybe it was just the first time I sat still all day, but I fought the tears. It's funny---my coworkers think I REALLY am misssing the students already. I couldn't correct them. I've posted before about my inability to dream about Mom. Both of my kids dream about her and talk to her in their dreams. I've told them to tell her hello for me. Last week I finally "saw" her in my own dream. Long story short, I grabbed both her hands, to hold on to her, and she told me it wasn't my fault. She said something else (bugging me now), but I was so focused on that, I only remember her saying it wasn't my fault. After watching a recent episode of Boston Legal, I guess I've debated my brothers and my decision with Mom's meds during hospice at the end. I need to be very clear that we did NOT purposely overdose her to put her out of her misery, but we agreed to give her the full 'legal' dose when we could, and not wait to see 'signs' of her being in distress (Mom couldn't communicate those last couple of days). I've wondered if we inadvertantly hastened her death...and how I would feel about it if I found out we did. At any rate...don't know if my subconscious was allowing me to forgive myself, or if Mom was slapping me upside the head for carrying this in my head, but I felt much lighter the next day. I'm not going to argue with it. I'd like to think she was telling me to let go of the guilt, and that she is OK. So, starting tomorrow I can't think, "last year at this time..." and have it include Mom. It is like something else has been taken from me. I wonder how much more can be taken....but at least the dream gave me something back. Peace to you all, Kelly
  5. Ditto on Mom being the center of our universe. If it was someone's birthday, Mom called everyone else and told them where to be and when to be there. No questions. Other family events, same thing. What I have learned in the last year is that it takes MUCH more work on my part, and that I have to step up and be that person. I'm trying. Tay has her 'graduation' next month---I've told my brothers where and when. Not with as much authority as Mom, but trying. My brothers and I are very close in our hearts (and geographically), just not good at picking up the phone, etc. Mom kept us in touch with the daily parts of our lives. So I'm lucky in that we all get along--just have to work at it, I suppose you could say. Now for extended family, that can be quite another thing. Like everyone else, I miss 'the good old days' when it was easier (as in, Mom did all the work). I don't feel like I'm ready to be the emotional touchstone for the family, and yet here I am. Trying. Kelly
  6. kamataca

    Confrontation

    Wow. The confrontation quote really struck a nerve with me. I feel like I have been in a constant battle with 'everyone' around me. Maybe it was instead the constant confrontation within me...confronting the loss on yet a different level or inresponse to a different situation each day. You've certainly given me something to think about. I pray you feel a gentle breeze of peace today. Thanks for sharing this! Kelly
  7. I love you all---you've made me feel less crazy...more normal. Maybe this is just where we are now, and maybe it can get better. I am so sorry that many of you are going through this, but I am also so glad I'm not the only one. Kelly
  8. I know that there are those who talk about the grief cycle...and that anger fits in there somewhere. I just feel like I am angry all the time. I was asking people at work today (I was angry again about work-related stuff) if I am making too much out of things. They agreed that the things I was mad about upset them, too. I just don't remember being this angry and unhappy in the past. Maybe I used to be able to roll with the punches before. I went to visit the cemetary Saturday. I'm a bit ashamed to say that it is the first time I've been back since Mom's funeral (11 months ago). She is 4 hours away, but in the town she grew up in--where her sister lives. I was so angry when I got there and found that the date had never been put on my Mom's stone (her name and birth date have been on it since 1978 when my dad died). My aunt was adamant that they would take care of this, and yet nothing was done. She has virtually cut off communication with us in the past year, but I had hoped she would have followed through on what she promised to do. So now I am angry about that, too. I am taking care of it, like I would have done 11 months ago, had my aunt not insisted on 'doing it'. At any rate, I saw Katie's post about how we have changed since losing our parents / loved ones. I think I am less able to deal with the daily stresses. I go to a group grief therapy with my kids. I don't know what to do to make it better. I don't want to be so angry or sad any more. I just don't know what to do. Thanks for listening! Kelly
  9. kamataca

    cindi o'h

    I am so saddened to hear about this. No words. Prayers for her family.
  10. Grateful for the wisdom Jackie brings into my life, and the words of wisdom she digs up. My one simple goal today is to smile at a person I don't particluarly like, but I have to work with....I'll start small, and here is a quote even on that. Grateful for a sunny weekend and time as a family out at the land. Prayers for the week for all of us. Kelly
  11. I don't know if I am too much of a linguist, or if I need my reality defined clearly, but I always say, "died". (Mom died ten months ago...Mom died of LC...etc.) To me it seems more simple, more direct, and more real. If it helps, I say it in my soft voice (one I don't use as often), because I know that to some people it is a harsh word. Kelly
  12. Grateful for friends who cheered me up today. So blessed to work with my best friends. Kelly
  13. My daughter and I just made it back from Dallas after a volleyball tournament. She played well, and we had a lot of fun--really good car-conversations as well. Very grateful for a fun-filled, special weekend, and safe travels. Kelly
  14. I think the only time the family all sits down together these days is when Idol is on. We hardly call anyone by their real names, though. I like almost eveyone who is left at this point, but I'm not a big fan of Christy (Prissy-Chrissy, my kids call her). I agree that dred-boy has beautiful eyes and is so charming, but his singing is beginning to sound very one-trick-pony to me. I love the 'outsiders' (Aussie-boy and Irish-girl) but isn't this supposed to be AMERICAN Idol? My daughter rolls her eyes everytime I say that. David Enchilada is coming off as a bit precious these days, but he has the pipes! DH's favorite is Tulsa-boy (David Cook), but daughter thinks he is full of himself. As you can see, it makes for a lively evening around here! Kelly
  15. Grateful to be one step closer to the weekend. Looking forward to a fun weekend of volleyball and shopping with my daughter! Kelly
  16. Glad this day is almost over, and that there is a promise of a better tomorrow. Glad for the very supportive folks at work. Kelly
  17. Chris had his first baseball game tonight. Mom loved baseball, especially watching her grandkids play. Easter has passed. Mom loved the pagentry of Easter. My cousin was in town this week, but didn't make it over to visit. Mom organized everything--we would have gotten together if she were here. Taking Tay shopping for her graduation dress. Mom would have had MANY witty comments about that process. DH has dinner meetings this week. That would have meant pizza at Mom's house for the rest of us, hanging out. Dropped my car off at the repair shop yesterday. I always walked to Mom's house from there, a few blocks away, and hung out with her until it was done. I drive by her house most days, as it is next to the kids' school. I wish I could go in. The kids told me they both had dreams about Mom the last few nights. I haven't had any yet. My niece will be baptized in a couple of weeks. Mom would have beamed, surrounded by her church lady friends. It's all these "little" things that keep piling up in my mind. I sincerely want to move forward to a healthier place, but the "little" things keep me mired in the clay. I feel codependent with my grief. I know it isn't healthy, but I am having trouble breaking free. All these damn "little" things. Kelly
  18. Shocked to see that I have 31! The one I use the most is one my husband's grandmother made for us, with all of the family-favorite recipes of hers and ones from her mother. I like getting down the LCSC one and seeing Mom's name in print. What a gift! Kelly
  19. I'm really sorry you're in a rough spot right now. I'm with ya on mnay of the emotions! I also miss that pure, Mom-love and support! I stopped at Mom's house everyday after school (my kids walked over to her house from their school each day), and I'd spend an hour or so 'processing' there. There's been a lot of poop at work lately, and she's the one I would have told. She, too, may have slipped in a curse word, but most likely would have offered to "go up there and take care of" the folks causing me trouble. I miss that unquestioning sense that, of course I was right, and the other people were just dead wrong. I guess many of us are in this leaky boat together. I think if we work together to bail each other out, we can keep our head above water. I'm praying for you tonight, for a little light in your spirit, and the knowledge that you are truly loved. Kelly
  20. kamataca

    Disconnected

    I'm 100% with you. I'm at 10 months, and the word I've used lately to describe myself is 'disconnected'. It's just how I feel. I'm really trying to connect/care. Most days I go through with a fake smile. I keep thinking that at "X-time" it will get better (after Easter, after graduation, after the 1 year anniversary...). It hasn't always been like this. Prayers for all of us going through this...for a lightening of our spirits, and a path through all of this. Kelly
  21. Linda, I'm glad you found us, though I am sorry for the circumstances. IF this turns out to be LC, remember that there is a lot of hope in that diagnosis. Read through the Survivor stories...click on Good News. There is good news along this journey. There is life within cancer. You will find so many people here who are LIVING WITH cancer, not at all just waiting to die from it. Please update us when you know more. Until then I will be praying for you and your mom. Kelly
  22. I'm grateful for all of you guys, especially Jackie. I don't feel so lonely when I come here. Grateful for a Home and School association who are bringing us March Madness this week. Bagels today, treats tomorrow, a special lunch on Friday. It is so nice to be appreciated every now and then! Kelly
  23. kamataca

    Bonny Michaels

    She will be there for you, always. I'm just so sorry you are going through this right now. Kelly
  24. I have really struggled these past few weeks, grieving for Mom so deeply when I thought I was doing 'so well'. I've had a hard time with Lent, honestly. It seemed so steeped in death, and darkness. I knew I was missing the point and the bigger picture, but I couldn't shake it. I've always said that, as a testament to my mother, I feel closer to her when I am at church. I feel her presence there so strongly, and I know any faith I have came straight through her. I also miss her the most when I am at church, coming close to breaking down several times recently. Tonight as I sat at our Easter vigil mass, I felt true joy for the first time in a quite a while. I thought of Mom celebrating her first Easter in heaven with my dad---a front row seat to the main event. Here's hoping I can hold on to that joy. I pray for Easter joy for all of you, and the promises of Spring (especially for our northern buddies!). Kelly
  25. kamataca

    She's gone..

    My heart is just so sad for you. You truly were robbed, your mom was so young, and to not have her there when your little one is born...there just aren't words to explain that or fix that. You must have been so good to your mom, as reflected in her letter. My niece (my brother's first child) was born four months after our mom died. I thought it would be such a sorrow-filled day, shadowed by what we were missing. I can tell you that it was truly a day of complete joy, and we all felt Mom there. I'll be praying for you. Kelly
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