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kamataca

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  1. I don't know if any of you have experienced this. I have recently come to the conclusion that I didn't just "lose" my Mom a year ago (an odd expression if I've ever heard it, but I digress)...I think I got lost along the way myself. My birthday was last month. My husband asked me to make the traditional birthday list, but I couldn't think of a single thing to put down. What do I enjoy? What do I do? Surely I am a person with interests....this didn't use to be so hard. I think that I spent two years putting so much love and energy into being Mom's caregiver, and when that was taken away, so was a big part of who I am. I am still a wife, and a mom, and a teacher....but if you peel those layers away, I don't know what is left. I have no more 'roots'--no mom or dad, no grandparents. Maybe I've forced myself to be numb for so long to dull the pain, I lost whatever was there in the first place. I really am at a loss. Recently I sent an email to a friend, updated her on all the kids' activities, and what was going on with my DH. She asked what was going on with ME---I don't know. Ben Folds has a great song called "The Best Imitation of Myself"---I think that is how I have been living the past year. Has anyone else gone through this? Am I ahead of the curve on my mid-life crisis (I really think I'm too young for that )? I'm not sure how to get back to being "me". Thanks for listening.
  2. Music does a lot for me. Whatever I need, it is there: listening to Jimmy Buffet's "Breathe in, Breathe Out ,Move On," helps mellow me out. Driving blasting out My Chemical Romance's "Black Parade,"...even some good church songs, when I am open to that. I put on my iPod , switch on whatever music I'm in the mood for, and take a walk. Not that I have done it lately, but I really do much better when I am doing some form of exercise. That physical exertion, and shutting my mind down flushes some of the negative energy away. Keeping busy helps--or delays---I'm not sure which. Peace, Kelly
  3. I really do get it---I'm right there with you. Plus I was asked to make a career-changing move this week. I decided I couldn't do it right now. I just can't. To heck with the people who don't understand. Keep moving forward. You'll make it. Kelly
  4. Joining the "one year ago today" club. I was OK most of the day....then I sat at my students' graduation. Maybe it was just the first time I sat still all day, but I fought the tears. It's funny---my coworkers think I REALLY am misssing the students already. I couldn't correct them. I've posted before about my inability to dream about Mom. Both of my kids dream about her and talk to her in their dreams. I've told them to tell her hello for me. Last week I finally "saw" her in my own dream. Long story short, I grabbed both her hands, to hold on to her, and she told me it wasn't my fault. She said something else (bugging me now), but I was so focused on that, I only remember her saying it wasn't my fault. After watching a recent episode of Boston Legal, I guess I've debated my brothers and my decision with Mom's meds during hospice at the end. I need to be very clear that we did NOT purposely overdose her to put her out of her misery, but we agreed to give her the full 'legal' dose when we could, and not wait to see 'signs' of her being in distress (Mom couldn't communicate those last couple of days). I've wondered if we inadvertantly hastened her death...and how I would feel about it if I found out we did. At any rate...don't know if my subconscious was allowing me to forgive myself, or if Mom was slapping me upside the head for carrying this in my head, but I felt much lighter the next day. I'm not going to argue with it. I'd like to think she was telling me to let go of the guilt, and that she is OK. So, starting tomorrow I can't think, "last year at this time..." and have it include Mom. It is like something else has been taken from me. I wonder how much more can be taken....but at least the dream gave me something back. Peace to you all, Kelly
  5. Ditto on Mom being the center of our universe. If it was someone's birthday, Mom called everyone else and told them where to be and when to be there. No questions. Other family events, same thing. What I have learned in the last year is that it takes MUCH more work on my part, and that I have to step up and be that person. I'm trying. Tay has her 'graduation' next month---I've told my brothers where and when. Not with as much authority as Mom, but trying. My brothers and I are very close in our hearts (and geographically), just not good at picking up the phone, etc. Mom kept us in touch with the daily parts of our lives. So I'm lucky in that we all get along--just have to work at it, I suppose you could say. Now for extended family, that can be quite another thing. Like everyone else, I miss 'the good old days' when it was easier (as in, Mom did all the work). I don't feel like I'm ready to be the emotional touchstone for the family, and yet here I am. Trying. Kelly
  6. kamataca

    Confrontation

    Wow. The confrontation quote really struck a nerve with me. I feel like I have been in a constant battle with 'everyone' around me. Maybe it was instead the constant confrontation within me...confronting the loss on yet a different level or inresponse to a different situation each day. You've certainly given me something to think about. I pray you feel a gentle breeze of peace today. Thanks for sharing this! Kelly
  7. I love you all---you've made me feel less crazy...more normal. Maybe this is just where we are now, and maybe it can get better. I am so sorry that many of you are going through this, but I am also so glad I'm not the only one. Kelly
  8. I know that there are those who talk about the grief cycle...and that anger fits in there somewhere. I just feel like I am angry all the time. I was asking people at work today (I was angry again about work-related stuff) if I am making too much out of things. They agreed that the things I was mad about upset them, too. I just don't remember being this angry and unhappy in the past. Maybe I used to be able to roll with the punches before. I went to visit the cemetary Saturday. I'm a bit ashamed to say that it is the first time I've been back since Mom's funeral (11 months ago). She is 4 hours away, but in the town she grew up in--where her sister lives. I was so angry when I got there and found that the date had never been put on my Mom's stone (her name and birth date have been on it since 1978 when my dad died). My aunt was adamant that they would take care of this, and yet nothing was done. She has virtually cut off communication with us in the past year, but I had hoped she would have followed through on what she promised to do. So now I am angry about that, too. I am taking care of it, like I would have done 11 months ago, had my aunt not insisted on 'doing it'. At any rate, I saw Katie's post about how we have changed since losing our parents / loved ones. I think I am less able to deal with the daily stresses. I go to a group grief therapy with my kids. I don't know what to do to make it better. I don't want to be so angry or sad any more. I just don't know what to do. Thanks for listening! Kelly
  9. kamataca

    cindi o'h

    I am so saddened to hear about this. No words. Prayers for her family.
  10. Grateful for the wisdom Jackie brings into my life, and the words of wisdom she digs up. My one simple goal today is to smile at a person I don't particluarly like, but I have to work with....I'll start small, and here is a quote even on that. Grateful for a sunny weekend and time as a family out at the land. Prayers for the week for all of us. Kelly
  11. I don't know if I am too much of a linguist, or if I need my reality defined clearly, but I always say, "died". (Mom died ten months ago...Mom died of LC...etc.) To me it seems more simple, more direct, and more real. If it helps, I say it in my soft voice (one I don't use as often), because I know that to some people it is a harsh word. Kelly
  12. Grateful for friends who cheered me up today. So blessed to work with my best friends. Kelly
  13. My daughter and I just made it back from Dallas after a volleyball tournament. She played well, and we had a lot of fun--really good car-conversations as well. Very grateful for a fun-filled, special weekend, and safe travels. Kelly
  14. I think the only time the family all sits down together these days is when Idol is on. We hardly call anyone by their real names, though. I like almost eveyone who is left at this point, but I'm not a big fan of Christy (Prissy-Chrissy, my kids call her). I agree that dred-boy has beautiful eyes and is so charming, but his singing is beginning to sound very one-trick-pony to me. I love the 'outsiders' (Aussie-boy and Irish-girl) but isn't this supposed to be AMERICAN Idol? My daughter rolls her eyes everytime I say that. David Enchilada is coming off as a bit precious these days, but he has the pipes! DH's favorite is Tulsa-boy (David Cook), but daughter thinks he is full of himself. As you can see, it makes for a lively evening around here! Kelly
  15. Grateful to be one step closer to the weekend. Looking forward to a fun weekend of volleyball and shopping with my daughter! Kelly
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