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kamataca

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  1. I don't know if any of you have experienced this. I have recently come to the conclusion that I didn't just "lose" my Mom a year ago (an odd expression if I've ever heard it, but I digress)...I think I got lost along the way myself. My birthday was last month. My husband asked me to make the traditional birthday list, but I couldn't think of a single thing to put down. What do I enjoy? What do I do? Surely I am a person with interests....this didn't use to be so hard. I think that I spent two years putting so much love and energy into being Mom's caregiver, and when that was taken away,
  2. Music does a lot for me. Whatever I need, it is there: listening to Jimmy Buffet's "Breathe in, Breathe Out ,Move On," helps mellow me out. Driving blasting out My Chemical Romance's "Black Parade,"...even some good church songs, when I am open to that. I put on my iPod , switch on whatever music I'm in the mood for, and take a walk. Not that I have done it lately, but I really do much better when I am doing some form of exercise. That physical exertion, and shutting my mind down flushes some of the negative energy away. Keeping busy helps--or delays---I'm not sure which. Peace, Kell
  3. I really do get it---I'm right there with you. Plus I was asked to make a career-changing move this week. I decided I couldn't do it right now. I just can't. To heck with the people who don't understand. Keep moving forward. You'll make it. Kelly
  4. Joining the "one year ago today" club. I was OK most of the day....then I sat at my students' graduation. Maybe it was just the first time I sat still all day, but I fought the tears. It's funny---my coworkers think I REALLY am misssing the students already. I couldn't correct them. I've posted before about my inability to dream about Mom. Both of my kids dream about her and talk to her in their dreams. I've told them to tell her hello for me. Last week I finally "saw" her in my own dream. Long story short, I grabbed both her hands, to hold on to her, and she told me it wasn't my fault
  5. Ditto on Mom being the center of our universe. If it was someone's birthday, Mom called everyone else and told them where to be and when to be there. No questions. Other family events, same thing. What I have learned in the last year is that it takes MUCH more work on my part, and that I have to step up and be that person. I'm trying. Tay has her 'graduation' next month---I've told my brothers where and when. Not with as much authority as Mom, but trying. My brothers and I are very close in our hearts (and geographically), just not good at picking up the phone, etc. Mom kept us in to
  6. kamataca

    Confrontation

    Wow. The confrontation quote really struck a nerve with me. I feel like I have been in a constant battle with 'everyone' around me. Maybe it was instead the constant confrontation within me...confronting the loss on yet a different level or inresponse to a different situation each day. You've certainly given me something to think about. I pray you feel a gentle breeze of peace today. Thanks for sharing this! Kelly
  7. I love you all---you've made me feel less crazy...more normal. Maybe this is just where we are now, and maybe it can get better. I am so sorry that many of you are going through this, but I am also so glad I'm not the only one. Kelly
  8. I know that there are those who talk about the grief cycle...and that anger fits in there somewhere. I just feel like I am angry all the time. I was asking people at work today (I was angry again about work-related stuff) if I am making too much out of things. They agreed that the things I was mad about upset them, too. I just don't remember being this angry and unhappy in the past. Maybe I used to be able to roll with the punches before. I went to visit the cemetary Saturday. I'm a bit ashamed to say that it is the first time I've been back since Mom's funeral (11 months ago). She is
  9. kamataca

    cindi o'h

    I am so saddened to hear about this. No words. Prayers for her family.
  10. Grateful for the wisdom Jackie brings into my life, and the words of wisdom she digs up. My one simple goal today is to smile at a person I don't particluarly like, but I have to work with....I'll start small, and here is a quote even on that. Grateful for a sunny weekend and time as a family out at the land. Prayers for the week for all of us. Kelly
  11. I don't know if I am too much of a linguist, or if I need my reality defined clearly, but I always say, "died". (Mom died ten months ago...Mom died of LC...etc.) To me it seems more simple, more direct, and more real. If it helps, I say it in my soft voice (one I don't use as often), because I know that to some people it is a harsh word. Kelly
  12. Grateful for friends who cheered me up today. So blessed to work with my best friends. Kelly
  13. My daughter and I just made it back from Dallas after a volleyball tournament. She played well, and we had a lot of fun--really good car-conversations as well. Very grateful for a fun-filled, special weekend, and safe travels. Kelly
  14. I think the only time the family all sits down together these days is when Idol is on. We hardly call anyone by their real names, though. I like almost eveyone who is left at this point, but I'm not a big fan of Christy (Prissy-Chrissy, my kids call her). I agree that dred-boy has beautiful eyes and is so charming, but his singing is beginning to sound very one-trick-pony to me. I love the 'outsiders' (Aussie-boy and Irish-girl) but isn't this supposed to be AMERICAN Idol? My daughter rolls her eyes everytime I say that. David Enchilada is coming off as a bit precious these days, but he
  15. Grateful to be one step closer to the weekend. Looking forward to a fun weekend of volleyball and shopping with my daughter! Kelly
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