I was looking for help

[t_beanes]

Days went past and all I was able to do was spending time in shops or overorganizing my life....just to avoid being idle and cry all day.

Than I met an acuaintance of ours who gripped me and put a huge job on top of me.

I have hardly the time of day left...but it helps not looking like an overcooked lobster in my face from all my tears.

I think it is so hard because I am without anybody like family and our friends all come from the sailing community ...hence are on the high seas or where ever in the world right now.

It is just my dog and me in a new house ...not knowing the neighbours either.

I don't know if I can hold out in this job ...it is the first time in 20 years that I have a job...but it keeps my thoughts busy and I stop for a while missing Richard.

Each time I think about life I keep looking for him and dispair.It is so painfull.

I am still reading the boards when I come home at night .....this is one thing I feel attached to because I can imagine so well what everyone is going through.

It is only like yesterday and I have often to remind myself that I am not fighting anymore.

It is a cacao of feelings ...always new situations develop which I don't know how to handle.Someone said to me that I have to invent myself again.I rather stay the way I am.

What I wanted to mention as well is that I think the wall of memory is such a good idea!!!

I felt greatfull having the oportunity to post there.

Well of to work I go....hopefully the people keep not asking about my circumstances...I think they were told...it makes me vulnerable i.e. cry.

You are in my thoughts.

Bettina

[Snowflake]

Bettina,

Reinvent yourself? Seems like a bad visualization process to me....maybe begin a new chapter, but definitely NOT a new book! You cannot and SHOULD not rid yourself of the past, it's a part of you. Just keep growing and evolving - you may change to some degree, but what has happened will always be a part of you. Dwell in the good memories, deal with the bad and take whatever time you need. Sometimes, avoidance is not the answer, it just delays the inevitable.

Be "selfish", work on the inside. Right now, YOU are the person that needs healing. Give yourself whatever you need, a hard cry, a good laugh, tender care. Work on the outside world when the inside isn't in such turmoil.

I wish you peace,

Becky

[Don Wood]

Good to hear from you again, Bettina. Hang in there with us. Don

[Fay A.]

Dear Bettina,

I disagree with you....You're still fighting, but the fight now is for you to survive as the loved one left behind. And in my heart I think that's the most painful fight of all. But I believe in you, and I know that you will get through this, as have so many others.

Thinking of you,

[t_beanes]

for staying in contact !I so much appreciate to talk to friends who understand.It does not feel so isolated and excluded.

Yers, I might still be fighting, but it feels more like as if I just let things happen to me...not like actively doing s. th. to help myself.

Well that is the way it feels.

What I notice is that I am talking the whole time with him ....I don't want him to get distant from me.

Sometimes I think it hurts so much because both of us are feeling the separation and suffer from it.As if that was possible.

I think I told you before that I am not a believer, nor was Richard....I just think dispair brings me to think things like that....

All our sailing brought us so close together ..we never needed to rely on others.So now I am seeking him ...again.

I read that all of this is part of the process of grieve...that realy sounds mecanistic.

I know too that in my memory I will carry him for ever ...nobody can interfere with that in giving me stupid advice like : letting go.

Hoping very much that you are holding out all the treatments and wishing everyone the best with all my heart.

Bettina

[t_beanes]

My birthday is coming along in a few days and I am afraid...the only person making it special for me was Richard.My father who is still alive celebrates his wife's which happens to be on the same day.

I so much wish to forget dates like that ...I am not sorry about birthday's but about the special care he gave to me on that day ...that I was important to him ...and that counted more than anything else.

I am still in a mess.I wish I did not survive him.He was so much to me , he is so much still.I don't know sometimes what it is worth living for if one has lost the only love of ones life.

I had told him I would come after him , looking for him if he had to go and it seems that this is a better option than to hold out here.

I realy don't see for what.

OK I got a job now ... but it is not made for me ...I have less time to think but in the evening it is all the same....in other words : Why do I do the job ? To wait if time makes me forget ? It won't I know that.Sorry for this mix of thoughts ...I am in the downs again.

[shirleyb]

Hon,

I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling and have continued to feel.

Please take time to really think about what Richard would have wanted you to do. Honor him by doing that. I don't think he would want you to quit on life all together. It is so precious. I know when this all happened for me, I felt like I was in the middle of the ocean, could not see the horizon, much less the shore. There was no one who could take away the pain. In time though, I have thought about what my loved one would want for me. He would not want me to mourn him for the rest of my life, but he did want me to continue on. He knew it would take time before I was happy again, but he also knew it would come in time. I will always love him. The best way I feel I can honor Randy, is to continue on and try to make a difference for someone else. There are so many others that need us. It may be a stranger to you yet, but you do have a purpose for being.

Take care of yourself. Don't give up. Honor Richard. Share your memories of him. Keep in touch.

May you feel warms hugs and gentle sunrises.

Shirley

[t_beanes]

Greatfull for your answer!

I know from a aquaintance that Richard had said that I was so "young" still, but he never said to me that he had no hope.I knew how afraid he was but he did never tell me.On the other hand he did not need to.

I handled all the medical info and knew the odds.I just answered his questions and his request for honesty.

I even think sometimes if he really was waiting for me, that he must wonder why it takes me so long.

Facing a beloved ones death is as well facing ones own limited span.

Makes one think about time.I have always thought that one minute compared to a life time is nothing when compared to the time of universe.

And if that is so what does it matter if I live on?

The only thing which matters is beeing happy in ones life...I was happy once.

This is an endless circle ....well you know how it is...vulnerable like hell..

and the wheel in my head is turning, burdened with ice cold stones.

Shirley, I have to go to work playing I was getting on.....

I will try to think about what you said..Bye for now

Bettina

[glo]

Bettina --

Oh, I ache for you. I know some of what you must be feeling. I lost my husband just 3 months ago, and it is still extremely painful. I have to keep my daughter's face firmly in mind and remind myself how painful her Dad's death was to her and that she would suffer similarly if something were to take me from her too. It must be magnified many times for you without someone to keep you hopeful.

My job seems unimportant to me now, but it does pass the time and keeps me interacting with people, rather than sitting at home brooding amongst the bittersweet memories.

Yes, the wondering of how long do I have on earth to be without him and why has occurred to me too. Truth is, none of us know whether we will live a long time or short.

And I agree with others that our loved ones would most certainly want us to go on and be as happy as possible. For now, happy is probably next to impossible for you, but I believe in time you'll find some measure of peace.

Thinking of you and wishing you the best.

Gloria

[lilyjohn]

Hi Betina

I have to respond to your post tho I am not sure if it is more for you or myself. I too am alone with no friends or family. This week I face all of the aniversary dates of Johnny's last days. I face them alone. I asked to work yesterday for Thanksgiving. I needed to not be alone yet while there I found myself shying away from people. I needed to be around others but I needed to be alone too..

I will tell you that the question of another life is one that is constantly on my mind. I have had so many experiences sense Johnny died that tell me that he is with me yet I need that so much that I question if it is real or just in my mind. I question even tho others have witnessed these things too. I have to believe because without that what is there? I need to know that there is a purpose for my suffering. I have to believe that in time it will end and I will once more know the joy of being with my Johnny.

You see we were not as fortunate as so many of you were. We had only 5 months together even tho we had met and loved 44 years ago. A forced seperation took our lives in different directions. We each married and had families. I am so thankful for my children and grandchildren but at the same time I have so many regrets about the years we spent apart. His marriage as well as mine gave us something but they both took so much away from us. It was a miracle that in the last years of his life we found eachother again. That happened because of a prayer he said and a dream that I had.... Our love survived all of those years of seperation. I have to see this time now as another seperation and in time we will be together again. If not what is the purpose of life or even death?

I have so much pain and anger but I know that I really need that for now. Without it I have no emotions. Everything else has dried up inside of me. I know Johnny would want me to find peace and even a little happiness because I know how much he loved me. I know too that he was so much like me that he would still cherish my hurt because he knows it is a sign of how much I love him.

I moved here to be close to my niece last May but now she has moved and I find myself alone at this one of the most difficult times in my life. Soon I will move north and join her. She has a place waiting for me. It is in the mountains and close to the nature that both Johnny and I felt so much a part of. I am hoping that by going there I will find a way to make peace with myself and my God. I have to have faith but I am afraid to trust. I had faith once and believed my prayers were being answered and I let my guard down. Johnny died and I felt that my faith betrayed me. A part of me still feels that way but I have to find a way to let that go. I have to believe in time we will be together again. Not just for 5 months again but for time and all eternity.

I was fortunate that I did not have to watch Johnny suffer from the cancer like so many of you have. Instead I had to watch him suffer from the knowledge that he had cancer and the fear that went with that knowledge when his doctors insisted on taking hope away from him and doing nothing to help him cope. I also had to watch him suffer the effects of the medication that they gave him the last days of his life. Medication that killed him and took away his chance to fight the beast known as cancer. Maybe in some ways I am lucky and he was too but in many others we were cheated. Cheated by cancer but above all cheated by the doctors and attitude. We were cheated by life but I have to believe in time we will have the last laugh. Time could not keep us apart. I have to know that death can do no more than time.

I say to you it is the hardest battle you will ever fight in your life. I know because I am there and fight it everyday of my life. I have a destiny and you do too. What that destiny is we do not know but we have to go on and let life show us. If not what is the purpose of all of the suffering and pain we have had to endure?

We share so much and have so much in common. My email address is lild@peoplepc.com Please feel free to write to me. I would love to hear from you and maybe we can be of help to eachother. There has to be something positive to come from all of our pain. God Bless you. Lillian

[t_beanes]

" I know too that he was so much like me that he would still cherish my hurt because he knows it is a sign of how much I love him. "

I have taken this phrase out of your message because it could have been written by me.

Richard always found it incredible that his thoughts were not his own alone.

In other words that I expressed what he had thought on the quiet or was about to mention.

But that aside.

I had my birthday yesterday and it fell on the same weekday as Richard's death and the same date and the first time without him.

I still feel bodyly wounded.An addition to the pain there is anyway.

I am reading at the moment on how the brain works and what emotions are made of or how they work.

But it takes me hours to wrap my brain around it.It sounds very materialistic.

Sorry no more time to write....will answer when I have time off...

I wish I could have my tears running inside my body...not seen by others.

Thank you for your messages

Tina

[t_beanes]

that is what Richard told me...no he cannot.I can help myself but how?All Ithink about is him.

No win and no gain ever any more.Not for us.

I am so full of missing ....he would have said that I should not feel sorry for myself ...well I don't I feel painfull for not having him anymore.Period.

This work experiment is starting to bother me too.I think I try a few months more and quit.

My life turns out to be constantly in a haste and our old doggy is suffering from hardly any attention because there are not enough hours in the day.

OK I have to live with very little money than but so what.

At least there is time to think about him and me again and time for Charly, the pooch,

Peeple I am very unhappy , I think this job just abolishes the time I can remember him.It just is so unsatisfactory what I have to do and it is not a good use of time.

I am confused.Richard would be able to clear my brain now.Show me priorirtys.

Love you and leave you...as they say...

[shirleyb]

Betina,

Maybe I am reading something into your posts that is truely not there. If I am wrong in what I am reading in your posts, please accept my apologies now. I do not mean to cause you or anyone else here pain

I seem to be reading more than just grieving in your posts. I see depression coming out in an unhealthy way for you. I sense your hopelessness. I do not mean to assume anything, but I am scared for you.

Maybe you need to just quit that stinking job and find something that will give you some peace. No job is worth losing your physical or mental health for. Maybe, if you think about it, your job should be to get healthy again. I understand about the money issue. I have been without a job since last January and I need to find a job soon in order to keep a roof over my head. But I also know I need to heal before I am any good to anyone. As Randy always told me, it will all work out. Somethings are out of our control.

Depression is as nasty an illness as cancer is. It eats your soul away.

I do know first hand how terrible and life threating depression is. I lost my SIL to it, and almost lost both of my kids to it. I have suffered from it in the past as did Randy and greiving and depression are two different things.

Please think about seeing someone who can help you work through this nightmare you are going through. I only want you to survive this terrible time you are having and come to understand that there will be joy and happiness again in your life. It just doesn't come to us who have lost so deeply easily. We need to heal first before we can be happy again.

Again, I hope I have not upset you or caused you anymore pain.

Please hang in there.

Heartfelt hugs coming your way.

Shirley

[t_beanes]

Thank you for your warning....it might be like rthat , I do not know what a depression even looks like.

Will inform myself though !

No time right now ...been called tonight by the firm to show up very early tomorrow....I am in soldier speak : ready for the knackerds yard.(...where those beasts of burden are slaughtered after having done a good job all their lifes....not that I qualify for that but just in case in american english it means s. th. worse....)

Just came home and have to fold myself into bed p. d. q. before no clock ever gets me up again...Will reply on my free days tuesday/wednesday.

But thank you very much for holding my lifeline up.

Good night

Tina

22.30 Sunday

[shirleyb]

Hey Girl,

I am so glad you posted. I have been thinking about you alot.

Stay in touch. I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE HERE.

Shirley

[t_beanes]

I am back from work right now and feel slightly minced....will have some food and walk pooch to go to bed a.s.p.

Will be in touch tomorrow when brain is fucntioning again in some way better.

SOOOOOOO nice to hear from you !

Promise that tomorrow I'll be back...What is your job search doing ?

It feels to me some what like : Who needs slave , please ?

That is the situation in Spain right now...and old thought vehicles like me are anyway not required ...they prefer only those who make the same mistakes 4 times.

Shut up woman...you are bitching...Well I was ....

Buenas noches

Bettina

[shirleyb]

Bettina,

I am glad you are posting again. Right now I still do not have a job and I haven't really found anything that makes me want to get up and go. So I am still looking. I have faith that the right job will open when the time is right for me. I have too much faith in God not to believe He will guide me in whatever I do. In the 19 years I worked for 3M/Imation, I only interviewed for one job and that was the first one I had there. I held 7 different positions with them and each one, someone approached me with the job opening. I never really looked for any of them. And each of them brought me new joys. So I am relying on God to help me through this also.

Give youself the right to honor what you have gone through and are going through. Follow your heart in whatever decisions you make. You will almost never go wrong in following what feels right inside you. I hope you find something that you feel is right for you. It does happen. Miracles happen every day we are here and I am sure you will have yours too.

I know you have said you don't believe, and that is your right. But I still pray for you and that you find some peace and joy in your life again. I know that each day that goes by, I find myself healing. I still have my days were I cry my eyes out and my heart breaks because Randy is not here with me and our children. But then there are more days than bad it seems. It takes time. Follow your heart in all you do. Hang in there girl. I know I am not the only one pulling for you. There are many others that are too.

Take care of yourself. Honor yourself and Richard in all you do.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Much love,

Shirley

[t_beanes]

The bad thing is that I cannot know before how my feelings are going to be the next day. It is always different and I walk around like a touch button device who does not know its functions.

Someone touches s.th. or the wrong way and of I go into a direction nobody intended ....the least me.

Today I had a phone call from the second last hospital REichard was in and they wanted to do some research ....I gulped ....

and they were extremely fast in being sorry ....just don't touch the bear ...sort of thing.

Someone said working in an invironment where nobody knows ones circum stances is good ...but they all know.Anmd even if they did not it would come out because of my strange reactions.Strange to them.

What field of work are you looking into ?

I have never worked for anyone else than my father ...which is a different kettle of fish to working for someone who is a sort of friend...

and working in a spanish firm means one invents ways on the hoof meaning as well that disasters strike on the hoof until one has adapted to them again....I am not used to that.Which does not mean one cannot.I know....but it is al uncertainty and that bugs me at the moment.

No safe way to go ....ok one can say it is a challenge ..which it is.But is it fun ? Does it have to be fun ?Do I need fun ......

Shirl......I don' t want to be heavy ...it is just such a world of questions to me....questions I was able to discuss with Richard since 20 years.

I am not a socially well adapted animal...never walked around with lots of friends ...the two of us were enough for me ...no girlfriends and the like were there.Or thought after.

Now I live in a different world and have to adjust.I know that.

I know too that I cannot have him back ever.That his very esssence died with his brain and body , that it has become "part of it all again".I think I mentioned that god is no entity for me.Nor was it for Richard.

I stop now with all my cag.Time is a healer? No it is not because the wound is there and will allways be, I know that from when my mother died 20 years ago with 50 years of age....I still have it.

Time did nothing to that.

But that is enough from me .How rae you ? How rae you coping ?What happens to you?

Do you want to tell me ?

Sometimes it is so strange that with some people one prefers to hide.

Many fond nose rubbs

Bettina

Thank you for praying! I don't know how to make good...but as I believe in that we are all made of the same ,trees stones the lot....I do what ever I can

[shirleyb]

Bettina,

I really am doing well I think. I have my days were I cry my eyes out and my heart hurts because Randy is gone. But I also know he is in a better place and without the pain and suffering that goes with the lung cancer. I also know he is with God in heaven with my father, his father, and and a host of others that loved him.

My father had a near death experience when he had a heart attack at age 49. He described what heaven was like and what it was like to feel the arms of God wrap around him and hold him close. That is what keeps me going. I know that someday I too will be with them all in heaven.

As for the job hunt, at this point in my life, I am not sure what I want to be when I grow up. I have always done very detailed work. I use to set up item numbers for a large company. It involved making sure every aspect of the setup was correct. An incorrect setup could have cost the company millions of dollars in fines if it came to a customs question and classification. I also controlled the pricing and costing of those same items. It always has involved using my brain and thinking about how to work smarter, not harder, as I really am a lazy person when it comes to "work". I use to run 3 desk top computers at the same time to get my job done. I figure if I can do the job and do it right and not have to correct things, I was doing good. Funny I could do that before but since I don't have a four year college degree, most employeers look at me like I know nothing at all. Not everything a person does has to have a college education. Plus with the gap of not working for the past year in their eyes, something must be wrong with me. Like taking care of Randy while he was dying was not work. It was a labor of love. I know many that have that little piece of paper (college degree) and still can't button a shirt without help much less replace the lost button. Oh well.

I am confident that I will find a job when the time is right. With the holiday's upon us, I am taking time for my kids to help them get through Christmas in a healthy way. Friends of mine say I have the "touch" to make people feel better even when my heart is breaking. Maybe I should go back to school and get that piece of paper so I can work with the kids at school. It would be worth my time, but in the meantime I have to find something that will pay the bills and put food on the table. I am not really worried about any of it. I have my faith and trust in God that He is walking beside me and protecting me.

You are still in my thoughts and prayers. We all can use all the support and friendship we can find. I do understand about not being the "social" person and how hard it is to get out and make new friends. I am the same way. I don't go out partying and most of my friends don't live close by. So I do understand. Just hang in there. Keep in touch and take care of yourself.

Much love,

Shirley

[t_beanes]

Hi Shirl....I' ll be in touch again....I hope very much you find a job again.I know the problem in society with having to have the right papers.

In my job I have them but they don't even count.Or if they did they don't get me better pay.

What ever the situation you will always find an excuse is better than what you really need.

So what ...

As you seem to think ....at the end we know what we are worth because we know what we know we just have to sell oueselves well to someone who listens.

Sleep well or rather wake up well....I need to go to walk the pooch and get to bed.

23:06

Barcelona countryside

Bettina

[shirleyb]

Bettina,

Thank you so much. I know we will both get through this and find something we would like to do and get what we need from it.

Enjoy the walks with the dog.

Take care,

Shirley

[Ann]

I am so glad you have been chatting with Shirley. She is a good listener and also has some very good advise. I have also been very down lately, as I lost my Dennis one year ago on the 15th of December. I had been chatting with Shirley and finally called her on the telephone yesterday morning. It was so good to hear a voice of someone who has been through the same sorrows! We have all been very worried about you. I know it must be very hard for you, as you and Richard were each others best friends! I 'm not really a great one one advice but I will not tell you to "get over it" nor "to go on with life." I know those words come very easy but are so hard to do. Please know that we are one big family and are there for each other. The oceans may seperate us but our hearts are right there with you! If you ever need to talk, I am ready to listen. Like I said, I'm not the greatest with advice, as I am still searching for so many answers myself. The main advice I can give is to...TALK!!! Talk as much as possible. If you don't have close friends willing to listen...then by all means talk to us!!! You said you have no close friends....WRONG!!! We are all connected by deep bonds that go very deep!!! We are your friends!!!! You are in my thoughts!!!!

[t_beanes]

I just lost all I had written and have no more time to repeat...so sorry.

And this was a long one too.

Be in touch soon Ann...Hoody Blell...Sorry for swear word but needed here!!!!

Many regards Tina