lilyjohn Posted November 29, 2003 Share Posted November 29, 2003 My God will the pain never end? I can be doing something and think that for a while I am a normal functioning person. Then like a freight train out of nowhere the memories hit me and I feel myself falling apart. How do I get past these aniversary days? These days that last year were the final days of my Johnny's life. How do I rid myself of the fear and anger and pain? I don't want to be the kind of person who hates and seeks revenge but still I find myself wishing that the ones who let Johnny suffer needlessly would have to go through the same thing. I want them to pay for what they did and I want them to know why. His life was so precious to me but to them he was just another case another face among thousands. They didn't even know him but they decided that his quality of life was not worth saving. How could they do that? How do they live with themselves? I have this overwhelming feeling that I should be able to go back and see the things that I missed. I should be able to go back and stop the drugs and demand his wishes be respected and acted on. I feel like I am living a nightmare that never ends and the answer is there somewhere. There has to be a way to go back and relive these days last year and change the outcome. Somehow there has to be a way to take the pain away. I have to find a way to laugh again instead of cry. But I don't know how. I just don't know how to feel anything except pain and this anger that is consuming me. How can people who are supposed to care, people who are supposed to heal and provide comfort do the things they did? How do they live with themselves knowing that they took away not only someones chance to fight for his life but his dignity and his peace of mind? My God when will the memories of those last days and hours stop tormenting me every minute of my life? I am so sorry to put this on all of you. I know you have so much of your own to deal with especially this time of year. I am just so alone and so lost I am tired of hurting and I am tired of the anger but I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to find peace and above all I just don't know how to cope. I turn to God and I know he is watching over me. I know somewhere my Johnny is watching over me too, but my arms are so empty and the nights are so long. Lillian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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