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Will the Pain never end?


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My God will the pain never end? I can be doing something and think that for a while I am a normal functioning person. Then like a freight train out of nowhere the memories hit me and I feel myself falling apart. How do I get past these aniversary days? These days that last year were the final days of my Johnny's life. How do I rid myself of the fear and anger and pain? I don't want to be the kind of person who hates and seeks revenge but still I find myself wishing that the ones who let Johnny suffer needlessly would have to go through the same thing. I want them to pay for what they did and I want them to know why. His life was so precious to me but to them he was just another case another face among thousands. They didn't even know him but they decided that his quality of life was not worth saving. How could they do that? How do they live with themselves?

I have this overwhelming feeling that I should be able to go back and see the things that I missed. I should be able to go back and stop the drugs and demand his wishes be respected and acted on. I feel like I am living a nightmare that never ends and the answer is there somewhere. There has to be a way to go back and relive these days last year and change the outcome. Somehow there has to be a way to take the pain away. I have to find a way to laugh again instead of cry. But I don't know how. I just don't know how to feel anything except pain and this anger that is consuming me.

How can people who are supposed to care, people who are supposed to heal and provide comfort do the things they did? How do they live with themselves knowing that they took away not only someones chance to fight for his life but his dignity and his peace of mind?

My God when will the memories of those last days and hours stop tormenting me every minute of my life?

I am so sorry to put this on all of you. I know you have so much of your own to deal with especially this time of year. I am just so alone and so lost I am tired of hurting and I am tired of the anger but I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to find peace and above all I just don't know how to cope. I turn to God and I know he is watching over me. I know somewhere my Johnny is watching over me too, but my arms are so empty and the nights are so long. Lillian

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I just want you to know that I am keeping you in my prayers. As the replies from Bettina's most recent posts seem to point out, the battle has just shifted to the survivor's fight to continue on. My heart aches for both of you especially because I see my MIL fighting this same fight these last few months.

My FIL has only been gone for 3 1/2 months but in that time she had to face their anniversary, his birthday and now the regular holidays. She won't get on the board but appreciates some of the stuff I share with her. She does have a large support system of family and friends, but even with that, her Thanksgiving prayer was of the nature that she is thankful for her sons and daughters-in-law because she is sure she would go crazy without us being here.

I am so grateful that this board exists for people all over the world to find support when they don't have family around, or family just doesn't seem to grasp what they are going through. I am dealing with grieving on a different plane than some, but I still find it helpful to come here.

Hang in there and I'm sure everyone would agree that you shouldn't apologize for posting when you are down. Your love for your Johnny is so evident and so inspiring on what is GOOD in this life. And that love lives on forever.

I don't know if you would find music helpful, but my mother-in-law is using songs to help her through this. There is a wonderful song on Josh Groban's first CD called "To Where You Are" that you might want to check out. It may bring tears but also seems to make her feel hopeful and sure that their love lives on.

God bless~

Karen M.

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November 29th

I am trying to find something to think about so the date does not continue to torment me. I don't want to remember that this date last year was the beginning of the end of my beautiful life with my Johnny. I don't want to see the things that happened to him and to us. I don't want to see his tears of shame for something that he could not help and above all I don't want to see the fear in his eyes and know the fear that was in both of our hearts..

I have been thinking about love and how I would discribe it. Love is sharing someones thoughts and feelings and respecting those things and knowing it is returned. Love is taking a person as they are and not wanting to change them or make them over. Love is acceptance of flaws and not only accepting but having pride in the person because you know the flaws are a part of them. Love is wanting to lift someone up when they are low and love is wanting to lift someone higher when they are high. Love is a touch or a look that needs no words and love is the joy of just being. Being loved is the most wonderful thing but being able to love totaly and unconditonally is the most precious of gifts. Love is just knowing without words and love is words that mean one thing to others but have special meaning between two people who love. Love is silly little pet names and love is tears and hope and pain. Love is what life is all about. Love is the most powerful force in the universe and beyond. Love is life, hope and dreams. Love is the eternal force and I believe that God is love. Is it any wonder that our pain is so deep when we know and have experienced all of these things and now don't know where to focus that love that joy that hope?

Hold on to the ones you love with all of your might and all of your love. Remember to be patient and remember too that sometimes it is alright to be impatient just so you know it is the disease that you are impatient with or angry at not the one who you love. I have been truly blessed to have known a love so deep and have it returned so totaly but I know that all things have a price. The price I have paid has been dear but the love I have known has been priceless. Because of that I know that I have to grieve and I know that the pain will never really go away. I know too that tho I will go on to live a life different than I had hoped for I will live with the knowledge of that love and hope that in time it will give me the strength and courage I need to become a part of the world again. I want to be someone that my Johnny would be proud of and I want to live because I know that he loved me enough to want that for me.

I know that I am rambling but I am trying to explain and encourage myself as well as anyone else who feels like I do. I am trying to ignor the date and I am trying to get the courage to go to work and face the problems of the other forgotten ones. The ones who know like Johnny did what indifference and selfishness can do. I thank you for your replys. Sometime I need a hug even if it is long distance! To all of you I wish you hope and peace but above all I wish you love. Lillian

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Lilyjohn - after reading your posts, I had to check and make sure I had not written them!

My husband died of cancer on Aug 23, 1999 and the pain has not lessened, and I doubt it will ever go away. Doctors washed their hands of him and denied him the dignity he deserved.

Like you, I was filled anger at the treatment my husband received after it was clear he was going to die. My anger is gone, but the pain and sorrow remain.

I would love to chat with your about your feelings. I cannot seem to go on with my life,but have to hide my feelings from friends and family, who think I should "be over it" by now.

Maybe we can help each other...my Yahoo ID is peg4cda. I hope you will add me to your list!

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I am so sorry that you are having such pain. I loved your description about love, it is so true what you wrote... Your words are wonderful, thank you for those.

I just want to tell you that you are not alone in experiencing the kind of hurt and anger you are having, caused by the indifference of doctors.

Our friend was also at the receiving end of such indifference and it cost him his life too, like Johnny. He died two months ago of SCLC, after having suffered spinal chord compression. It should never have happened like that.

I am quite sure there are many others where this happens, and it is very sad.

I really hope you will find peace one day, and that your pain and anger will lessen in time.



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I would love to chat with you. Let me know what time zone you are in and maybe we can get set up to talk. I have a great need to share and I feel that you do too. There is so much we could talk about and maybe help eachother. I have to go to work now but hope to hear from you soon. You can email me at lild@peoplepc and we can try to get a chat set up. Lillian

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