missing my best friend

[shirleyb]

I caught myself today sitting by the window, waiting for Randy to come home. I find it so strange to catch myself waiting for him. It was when he would be getting home from work. I was sitting there, like I use to, waiting for him to get home, wanting to share with him what took place that day and to see how he was doing. Did he have a good day today? What happened at work? And then it hits me like a brick wall. He is not coming home today or any other day. I miss him so much it hurts. It was not that I had been thinking of him throughout the day, but it hit me....I caught myself waiting for him. I kept looking out the window to see if he was coming around the corner everytime I heard a car go by. I am just so sad when I found myself thinking he will be coming home anytime now and then I realized that he won't be.

It will be 4 months on Saturday since he died. I put a Christmas decoration on his grave yesterday. He would have liked it I think. I just miss him so. I never thought I would be alone at this young of an age. I am just sad.

[lilyjohn]

You will be in my thoughts. So many of us here are sisters in pain. I won't tell you not to feel like you do. It has been a year yesterday and still I feel like any minute my Johnny will walk into the room. It is a nightmare that I keep waiting to wake up from. I know that you and Katie and a lot of us here feel the same way.. Too bad we are not close enough to hold eachother at those times. Sense we are not I will hold all of you in my thoughts and in my heart. Maybe some day we can laugh again. Lillian

((((hugs))))

[shelliemacs]

i too sometimes feel like I am going crazy. I am doing everything possible to help my step dad NOT give in and die from the grief that most times I put my grief to the side and only can concentrate on how he is coping with moms death.

but....the moments when I am alone...oh god how the world caves in. It consumes you and the depression has a voracious appetite and you can't escape from it.

I try to never show grief in front of my step dad. I know its wrong, i just cant bear to see him hurting when I know there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

I am afraid to leave him alone for more than 1 night because I fear he will fall into the grief hole and never get out of it. SO in my mind if I keep him busy he can't be consumed with it.

i know the problem is mine and not his but I can't stop my behavior

God,,,,when will it not hurt so much.....

[Ann]

Just 11 more days will mark the one year anniversary of Dennis's death! I am so lost and seem to be thinking about him as much right now as I did just after his death! I know how everyone here feels! I just feel so lost and even after this long period, I still think of things I want to tell him about. While Christmas shopping, I see things I would have bought for him. I just pray that God will help us all through this difficult season and ease our suffering a tiny bit! When I think of how I am going to make it through December 15th, I feel as if I lose my breath! Peace and love to all of you! You are in my thoughts and prayers!

[lilyjohn]

Hi Ann

I just read your post and I have some things to share with you. I know how much you dread the anivrsary of your Dennis's death. As most of you know just 2 days ago I lived throught that nightmare.. In many ways it was so much harder than it was when Johhny died. At that time I was still in shock and somehow the shock helped me through those first horrible and lonely days and Oh God the nights. How I ached to turn off the pain. Still it all seemed so unreal.

Now a year later as I was reliving every second and every word I had to do it through the eyes of reality. That really hit hard to face the fact that this is not a nightmare that I can awaken from but one that I will live with for the rest of my life..

The only consolation that I can give you is to say that even tho it has been so recent and other things have happened so quickly that add to my sense of loss and hopelessness that I am starting to learn to cope. It is not something that stays with me. It comes only seconds at a time right now but I have to believe that in time those seconds will turn into minutes and eventually days or weeks. I doubt the pain will ever go away but sometimes the pain gives us something to hold on to. In my case Johnny gave me a new life. Not just because we lived together and shared so much but because he loved me as me. He let me know that just being me is important. He let me be me and made me proud of who I am. That is a very special gift. Because of that I have to go one somehow and use the life he gave me to it's fullest.

I know there are times when I will still fall into that pit of sorrow that so overwhelms me. I know too that there will be days when I just want to crawl into bed, pull the covers up and drown in the memories of a time that was so good and so full of love. Memories are strange things. Sometimes to good ones hurt as much or more than the bad ones. Still I have to believe that each memory is a precious gift. Without them what would I have.

My point is that the aniversary dates tho very hard seem to take us over a thresh hold of some kind. We start living with reality but know too that our dreams from the past are gifts to be treasured not feared.

I have heard that God never gives us more to handle than we can take. Sometimes it is very hard to believe that when we see only pain that wants to consume us. Still I have come to see the aniversary dates as a gift that takes us from the impossible nightmare to the reality that is our lives. I think once we have gone through those dates that hurt so much we will start to see the pain in a different way. That does not mean that it hurts less. Only that it is a milestone that we have lived through so we know that we can do it. A week ago it seemed impossible that I would live through those days. Now they are behind me. There are more to come but I am hoping once I get through tomorrow(the aniversary of his cremation) and Saturday (the aniversary of his memorial service) those dates will no longer frighten me.

My thoughts and prayers will be with you on December 15th. I wish I could be there to hold your hand and give you a hug. To tell the truth tho I doubt that would do much good. I could have been in a room with a thousand people and eachone holding me for a while but I would have still had to face the date and the reality alone. The only one who truly knew what was and is in my heart is Johnny. I know that tho I can't see him and the signs that I used to get that told me he is near are less often, he is still with me. I believe that with all of my heart. I know that he held me that night and helped me through it. May your Dennis hold you and comfort you. Life is cruel but life is not the end only a new beginning. That is one thing that I have to believe! Without it I see no purpose for life or death. May God Bless you and all of us who face such dates and the holiday season that has turned joy into heartache. Lillian

[shirleyb]

Thank you all for your words.

I know I am going to make it through this. I know I will have days like this again. But there are many worse things that could be happening, other than remembering Randy. He was my best friend and true love. He was such a special person. I truely believe God is with me now and always has been. Everything will work out in a way that is best for me.

I came across some pictures of him and us from when we were first married and then when the kids were just little. I cried and cried and laughed and laughed. Those pictures I have given the kids permission to keep. They mean so much to them now. We talked about the good times we were having when they were taken and all the fun stuff that goes with looking at old pictures. It truely is a blessing that we had the love we did.

I also have made each of the kids, not just our two natural kids, but the other three foster kids we have, and our grandson quilts out of all of Randy's old shirts. They will be getting those for Christmas this year. As I have finished each one, the kids have looked at them and said, I remember when Dad wore that shirt. I feel they truely are going to be keepsakes for the kids and they will love them and they will remember their father always.

I will always honor the memories I have of Randy. I will not make him into a saint because he wasn't. Nor am I. I am only one of God's children and I will join His family one day along with those that have passed before me. But for now, I am here on earth and I will survive and I will honor them.

May we all be able to find joy in our lives as we continue on this journey that God has laid out before us.

Much love,

Shirley

[MO_Sugar]

What a wonderful tribute to Randy to make those quilts. I am sure the kids will treasure them for years to come.

I lost my Mom to cancer over 11 years ago and I still find myself picking up the phone to call her about something from time to time so I know what you mean about waiting for him to come home.

God Bless,

MO

[Guest DaveG]

It is so heartwarming for me to see the surviving family members continue to post and use this message board. You are so important to the lung cancer cause. For far too many of us, we don't get the time to become actively involved as an activist or advocate.

I for one appreciate hearing from you, whether it is to vent, or offer support to another. Your role is so important to getting the message of lung cancer out. You have been touched in a manner that so many others have been touched. Your experiences can be so valuable to others who are new to lung cancer and are trying sdo hard to sort all this out. By continuing to remain active, to me, is a wonderful tribute to your loved one and proves that their death was not in vain. Through you their legacy continues.

Thank you for staying active. I, for one, greatly appreciate your words.