Tired. Frustrated. sorry, this is long!

[Guest Karen C.]

Hey, Gang, Karen C. here. I usually post with Dave's log in but didn't because didn't feel like throwing this one up in his face. Not hiding from him, but I don't think he browses this forum much.

I wanted to post this first thing this morning then saw the post that Lenny had passed away. It made me feel selfish to feel so bad for myself.

I just want a place to vent a little. I'm really tired and worn out. We adopted Faith in October last year, got home November 2, Thanksgiving last year Dave had an awful asthma attack and was sick off and on until his cancer diagnoses in late March. His parents came up (at my request) and stayed with us for six months, until mid-October, when they went back home to Texas (we live in Virginia). They were alot of help, but, of course, it's not all that "relaxing" to have someone there, 24/7 in your house, constantly for so long. It takes me an hour to drop Faith off at daycare and get to work, so my day starts when I leave the house at 7:30 (should leave at 7:00) and get home at 6:30. I'm working from the time I get home until 9:00 or 9:30 every night - with dinner and with her. I ran out of time off at work for the year, three months ago, used it all up going to Dave's appts., taking Faith to appts. (she was born with an extra thumb and we're in the process of talking to docs about having that removed) and I also had minor surgery in July to remove a Stage II melanoma.

I'm just tired and worn out. Dave expects so much out of me, and whenever I complain, even to say I'm tired or I don't feel good, he yells at me. I tried talking to my Mom but she said "lots of people have bigger problems than you do" which really made me mad because, believe me, she would not be able to handle my situation AT ALL.

I am taking one big step to help myself and that is I'm going to hire someone to clean the house. I just don't have time. And maybe with a clean house I'll feel better. I'm in the process of interviewing people and I have a feeling I'll hire the gal who's coming over tonight.

I have an emotionally needy two year old that wants her mama every waking second we're at home together, and since she's at daycare 9 or 10 hours a day I can't just ignore her. I don't have time to devote to Dave, I don't have proper time to spend with Faith, and I certainly have no time to myself. Well, yes I do, I fall asleep in the recliner in front of the TV every night after everyone else is in bed and I finish my chores. That's my Me time. I guess waking up in the recliner close to midnight and trudging to bed, then getting up at 5:30, isn't exactly a party though, is it?

I know I'm not depressed. I've had clinical depression before, and this isn't it. I still take antidepressants, though, and it does help.

I just look forward to a time when I have vacation time at work, a husband who feels well enough to move around and be active again, and we can have the life of a happy family that we worked so hard to get after years of not being able to do it the old fashioned way!

Thanks for listening,

Karen C. (Dave C's wife, mom to beautiful Faith!)

[MO_Sugar]

(((((Karen))))), I can only imagine how I would be on a caregiver if I had one, lol. I commend you on the difficult job you are doing. Don't ever be afraid to vent! Keeps you from blowing up at home and then having to clean up the mess!!!

Does your local Hospice organization offer respite care? Sometimes you can get them to come in at little or no charge to help out around the house. I know we always think of Hospice as a "last resort" but they do offer other services that can be taken advantage of at earlier times. Just an idea.

Praying for you, Dave and lil Faith.

God Bless,

MO

[Guest Karen C]

Too late - forgot to add - I DID already blow up! Last night! For the first time, really, in these long eight months, I lost it. I got tired of coming home, tired and not feeling well, and getting yelled at for everything that came out of my mouth. So I yelled back. Big time. I let loose. I'm ashamed to say that I even told him to quit acting like it's my fault that he smoked himself into lung cancer. I know that was an awful thing to say, but he does act like it's my fault, at least he takes it out on me, and I just had enough. And the oncologist did say at the beginning that his type of lung cancer is almost always caused by smoking. Which he did for 20 years, the last ten of which with me, and with me asking him to quit. OK, nagging him to quit.

I also gotta say I feel better this morning for it and he seems to somewhat understand.

I don't think we're anywhere near needing hospice. We think Dave is in remission and he started back to work part time this week. But having someone clean the house will really help!

Again, thanks for letting me vent!

[MO_Sugar]

Karen, I didn't mean that you needed to call in hospice. I just meant that they sometimes offer other services that help take some of the burden off the care giver. Here they have folks that will come in when needed and cook a simple dinner or help with child care so the caregiver can get "away" for a couple of hours and not feel guilty. They will also come in and assist with spring or fall cleaning, holiday decorating or??????? Hospice can be so much more than an end of life support team.

God Bless,

MO

[Guest Karen C.]

Mo,

Gothca on the hospice thing. Will have to look into it.

Another thing, you said "if you had a caregiver" or something like that - are you going through this alone? How can anyone go through this alone? I can't imagine!

Karen C.

[MO_Sugar]

Karen, As dumb as this sounds coming from someone with Lung Cancer, I have been SO BLESSED! I am a single person, live in my own home, have a wonderful job that I have been able to go to just about every day through this whole thing. I did chemo and had few side effects, did radiation and had few side effects and have 2 pci treatments left , again with few side effects. My biggest side effects have been fatigue, hair loss and low blood counts, all pretty easily taken care of.

Now I admit, lol, my house is NOT going to win any awards but then again, who cares? As long as it is clean enough to see the floors and I don't have to worry about anyone getting bit by anything when they come over it is good enough for me. I try and spend as much time as I can with my 4 year old grandson, my daughter, my son and my dil. The rest of this stuff can wait.

God Bless,

MO

[DeanCarl]

Karen,

Let me add a big DITTO to Mo's suggestion about hospice. Though my situation is different than Dave's (I have chosen not to agresivaly go after my cancer) I am, at this point, still fairly healthy, though not able to work. I, too, felt it was much too early to bring in hospice but my primary doctor (bless his heart) insisted I at least talk to them. I was wrong, he was right. After talking to the hospice nurse (here at my home) and signing up for their services there was a huge lifting of weight off both my and my wife's shoulders. We now know that no matter what the future might hold there is a team of caring folks willing, literaly at a moments notice, to be there for us and help us through whatever the future holds.

Just my 2 cents.

Dean

[Ry]

Oh honey can we talk

I know how you feel when you get to the point of pure exhaustion. I remember that feeling well. I am a great believer in having someone else clean your house when you're working full time. You just don't want to spend your time off doing that. You won't believe how wonderful it will feel to walk in and have it all done for you. It will relieve so much of your stress. It is heaven.

It's hard to cope when everything your partner used to help with falls on you. I remember coming home some days and just wanting to cry (mainly because on top of everything else I couldn't get enough sleep with his coughing). I was so tired. Unlike you I am blessed with a flexible work schedule and there were days I had to leave and come home to sleep in the middle of the day. I was thankful when someone dropped off dinner, or when my mom would come in and do laundry.

I think sometimes you just have to blow up and stand up for yourself. You don't deserve to be treated poorly. Don't feel bad about letting him have it (and David if you do read this you big baby head, shame on you!).

It will get better Karen.

On another note, today is our daughter's arrival day from Korea. We are taking her out to dinner. Twelve years ago today we drove through the worst snow storm to go meet her flight. Hang in there Karen.

Also, reagarding hospice, you have to have a certain diagnosis from the doctor before they can bill for their services.

[Snowflake]

Karen,

Oh my GOODNESS, you have a lot to bear! (and sometimes, Moms just DON'T get it, do they?)

In your place, I would not make a "habit" of blowing up, but geez, sure would be nice if someone that is intimately CLOSE to you could pick up the impending explosion signs!

I KNOW where you are coming from in the "up at dawn, work 'til I drop and begin again at the crack of dawn"... I get the boy up and going in the morning, go to work, run to get him from school in the afternoon and go BACk to work, head home to a husband who DOES cook dinner, but can't seem to clean up after himself so NOT cooking is far more work for me then just doin' the Martha Stewart thing in the first place...then there's laundry, house work, helping with homework, paying bills, tracking expenses, making sure everyone makes it to all their appointments, haircuts are scheduled, money is kept for "emergency" field trips, etc. I have been going to counseling since the summer, the BIG thing my counselor stresses is time to myself (AS IF I can fit it in!)...

So I grab the time when I can. My child is older than yours, I can "sneak" into the bathroom when hubby zones in the recliner after dinner, fill the tub with smelly bubbles (no, not THAT way, courtesy of Bath & Body Works! LOL) and kick back for half an hour...(make SURE to lock the door - BIG thing to remember since hubbies think they can just step in for a quick whatever...)

If a gramma lives close and seems to think it's "nothing", maybe she'd like some 'quality time' with Faith. Take those few hours (if you can get that many) and BE OUT OF THE HOUSE - or send Dave out with friends and just spend time with Faith - or farm 'em BOTH out and enjoy the house to yourself....when you start to feel kinda lonesome (darn, does it get QUIET fast...), give yourself another half hour and then return to the insanity... Grab the time when your body/mind says you need it, going crazy is NOT an option, you're the family glue...

Not possible? Is your commute at least 20 minutes before picking up Faith? Keep some tunes in your car that help you to relax....work on unwinding on your way home, NOT stressing about what you need to do as soon as you pick up your daughter. You say Dave is working part time - is it possible for HIM to pick up Faith every now and then, giving you time to get home and NOT have to rush to fix dinner (or order a darn pizza - first person to witch about the menu cooks the next night...)?

Having someone to help with the house cleaning is a step in the right direction, one less thing to stress about. I hear EVERY DUST BUNNY screaming at me to get my lazy butt off the couch and VACUUM, and I ignore 'em anymore! Who the heck is going to visit me (besides my mother) and check for dust bunnies under my couch??! For cripe's sake, Martha Stewart has a STAFF, of COURSE she's a "goddess"! If fourteen people worked to make ME look good (along with a stylist, make up artist, personal chef, etc.) I'm sure I could pull it all off, how 'bout you?

Hang in there, fight fair, and DON'T change who YOU are because your husband has cancer. If you feel that for some reason he is blaming YOU for the disease, air it! If he's treating you badly or unfairly, let him know! That is simply unacceptable, whether he is sick or not. Out of sorts due to pain is one thing, not thinking anyone else is NOT appropriate. He may be sick, but you are STILL in a "relationship". Start relating, make him work at it, too. Relationships are a two-way street and it sounds like the lights on your street need some adjusting...

Let me validate you here, YOU are an important person, YOU need time from YOU, too. YOU are worthy, YOU deserve to feel loved, not used. MAKE the time for some "me" time. You need to refill the "love pitcher" every now and then or you will run out.

Talk to David, he seems like a reasonable guy. I think that he's just like most guys, kinda slow on the uptake and far from intuitive. If I don't tell my husband what I want, he won't read my mind. I guess guys figure if you need something, you'll ask. Try to ask BEFORE all hell breaks loose next time.

Pulling for your sanity,

Becky

[lilyjohn]

Karen

I just had to answer your post. I know what you are going through. It is just so hard when you are the only one there seven days a week and twenty four hours a day. You may or may not be able to find time for yourself. I wanted someone to come in for a few hours and stay with Johnny but he did not want that. He trusted me and me only. We argued about it. I don't know why I was so insistant. I could not stand to be away from him for evern a few minutes. Still I insisted. I will always believe it was because of what that was dong to US that he went into the hospital for help with the anxiety. An act that eventually led to his death. I have a lot to live with because of that.

We shared everything until the anxiety started. The problem was we each knew what the other was thinking and feeling but to spare one another we never talked about our feelings openly. That was a very big mistake. If you have a problem with your husband or if you are just afraid tell him! Don't let cancer rob you of the sharing. It takes enough already.

I didn't have to work outside of our home. Sense we were not married the state paid me to be his caregiver. Of coarse they paid only for 120 hours a month. What a laugh that is. One day Johnny made the remark that I was being paid to take care of him. Because I misunderstood what he meant it caused us a lot of problems and one of those major blowups that you speak of. What he was telling me and tried to explain to me tho I would not listen was that taking care of him was a job. He wanted me to be with him. He valued our time together more than anything else. I was spending so much time on doing for him that it was taking away from the time to just be with him. That is always a big mistake. Love needs companionship not a perfect house. I thought I was doing the right thing. I believed that I could do it all but I failed in the most important thing. Just being with him. Loving him and sharing my pain so he would have felt free to share his fears and emotional pain.

One night after he had been very grouchy with me I walked outside for a while to cool off so I would not blow up at him. When I got back in he asked if I was mad at him. I told him "No" I was mad at the situation. He then asked if I didn't know that tho he was grouchy at times that it was not him but the disease or the anxiety or even the meds. I told him yes that I knew that. It was just that sometimes I wished I had someone to yell at and kick around to vent my anger and frustration about what was happening. A nurses aide told me that I should go to Good Will and buy an old doll. When ever I got angry of frustrated take it out on her even if it meant kicking screaming and tearing her arms off. It was a good idea but our situation got out of hand so fast that I never got to get that doll. Now it would take a train load and still I would live with the anger and frustration every day of my life.

So please share with your husband. He knows what you are going through even if you don't talk about it. Maybe he feels that you don't trust him enough to share. Let him know that you do. As for the rest of it, the house cleaner is a good idea. Sometimes we have to let go a little. By the way I was using the work to run from the problems we had. I knew that I could handle and control the work so I chose that. I could not handle and control the fear and anxiety that BOTH Johnny and I lived with. I chose to concentrate on what I could handle. In the process we both lost a lot.

I am no expert. I know only what I learned the hard way. I just hope some of what I say helps you. Just remember that tho you have many obligations the biggest one you have is to yourself. Be you and give you to your family and take from them what they give to you. Nothing else matters as much. God Bless you. I pray that things will get better and you never have to live with the regrets of precious time lost that you could have shared. Lillian

[Andrea B.]

Oh Dear Karen...first I want to send you a big hug! Life can be so overwhelming at times, but then you throw cancer into it and it really makes things difficult. I feel a lot of what you do. I have a 19 month old. I am spending everday at my parents trying to help my dad take care of my mom, who is not able to get around at all. While there I also have my baby to take care of, while trying to help out. Then I get home and try to do some of the things around my house, on top of everything else...be a wife, mother, friend and eventually find some spare time for me. I too keep praying that the day will come where my mom will feel better and our lives won't feel like they are run by cancer.

I am rambling, but want you to know you aren't alone. Feel free to PM me anytime you need support. Don't forget to take care of yourself!

All my best.

Andrea

[shirleyb]

Karen,

I agree with everything everyone has already said.

I just have one quick suggestion that may help. First let me explain my situation. I have two natural children, 3 foster kids, and a grandson living with me. At the time Randy got sick and still to this day, I started having a girl come in to help with the grandson because with everyones work schedules, I was the person to take care of the grandbaby when his mother was at work. This in addition to taking care of Randy. I found I could not do it all by myself. But by having this girl come into the house with us, it allowed me to still spend time with Randy, do the chores that needed doing, and have some me time without leaving anyone alone. She is here just to play with Jacob and keep him happy and keep an eye on him when I could not be in the same room as him. It was those 5 and 10 minutes breaks in everything that was going on that saved my sanity. It allowed me to go potty and not have him at my ankles. It also allowed Randy and I to have time together. It is only for a few hours and not everyday, so it is affordable. If you don't know of anyone that fits the bill, you might want to check with your church if you have one, or the girl scouts. I found if they were between 13 and 15, that was the best age to have. They are old enough to handle him on their own for the short time I was gone, but yet old enough to know they had to be with him and keep him happy. My girl also has helped with the house work when Jacob only wants NaNa. To have someone there to help when you are on your last nerve, is a godsent.

And one last note. Not that David didn't deserve to have you blowup, but don't forget that now that you have, you both deserve the time to talk about what happened and why. Sometimes our partners are so use to us taking everything on, that they forget we are people too and need to be told we are loved and appreciated for all we do. It is not an easy road we travel.

Much love,

Shirley

[Don Wood]

Karen, been there, done that -- lose it, that is. I think as caregivers sometimes we have to scream just to let ourselves and our loved ones know we are not super humans and we have our limits. Glad you were able to vent. And, as you know, you can certainly vent here -- but it doesn't take the place of a good out and out loud scream. I know I have always felt better and actuallly had more energy afterwards. So sorry you have some many juggles in your life. Best to you. Don

[Fay A.]

Karen,

I hope that you are making time to have appropriate follow up for your OWN cancer. The stress levels under which you are currently living have to be wreaking havoc with your immune system, so please make yourself a priorty, for all of your sakes.

[David A]

Hi Karen, Just to add my two cents. Has David thought of or using anti-depressants, I know for me I'm on celexa now and so much calmer and at peace with my recent reoccurance , I mean every one in the house is much happier with me on celexa.

Also I think the getting some one to clean for you is a fantastic idea, I do what I can around here, sometimes it is not much, I'm thinking we are going to go the route if it is only once a week, to clean the bathrooms and mop the floors.

God bless you Karen, Faith and David

PS a good stress reduction tool for me is chat here on tuesday nights @ 8 pm est time. Though it get a little risque, Ry, Okdebi, Snow Flake, BobMc,

DaveG(aka Dirty Dave), and myself spend a good portion of the evening laughing our butts off.

[Guest Karen C]

Hey, everyone -

thanks a bunch. Lots of good suggestions/listening ears.

I'm feeling a little better today, I hate to say it, but I think my big blow up the other evening helped. Dave is much nicer now, much more communicative, etc. Although he did say today "don't expect me to be of any help to you today." ha, like he's help any day . . . .

Snowflake/Becky - can't get him to pick Faith up. That's part of the problem. You see, no matter what, every day is all about HIM. He can't do anything for anyone else but the most important thing each day is himself. Doing what he wants to do, all of his energy is expended on himself. Nothing reserved for us. Sometimes I just think if HE'D be the one to trudge up the steps at 8:00 and put Faith to bed, how luxurious it would be to have 30 wonderful 30 minutes early enough in the evening that I actually wasn't too tired to enjoy it? ON occasion, I do get my mother to pick Faith up at daycare and take her home and feed her dinner so I can run errands after work, but not often. A couple of times since Dave's parents left I took her to my parents' house for the day on SAturday so I could clean the house. But it's a 1.5 hour round trip so that's 3 hours just coming and going. I think one time they brought her home for me. And to be honest with you, I feel GUILTY leaving her for a whole day like that! I didn't go all the way to China and get this kid to ignore her! It's bad enough she's in daycare for 9, 10 hours a day, I want to spend as much time with her as I can. I'm not making excuses, just explaining the corner I'm in.

Ry, that's so great that your daughter is from Korea. I tell you, this is the best thing in the whole world. God is truly a miracle worker, they way He brings these angels into our lives. I look into Faith's eyes all the way to her heart and wonder how anyone could have left her on the side of the street, but then I realize it was part of God's plan to bring her to us. And frankly, I think having her has given Dave the fight he needed to do as well as he has so far fighting this monster.

I hired the cleaning lady, she's going to clean every Tuesday this month and then every other week after Christmas. From what I've heard about her, she's a really nice person who had a tough life growing up and now is a good Christian gal trying to raise four kids, married but her husband doesn't make alot of money. She sounds honest, hard working, and frankly I think she really needs the work. So I feel pretty good about the situation, we're helping each other out. That's making me feel better, too.

Poor Dave - he read Greg's post about stopping treatment and getting hospice, and he's really bummed out this morning. He usually doesn't open up to me about these kind of emotions, so I'm thankful he did. Greg was diagnosed a week before Dave, with almost the exact same diagnoses, now Dave seems to be in remission and Greg is very much not in remission. Greg: if you're reading this - know that we're really praying for you.

Dave is taking Paxil, I think. They put him on it when he was diagnosed. He started taking a half dose, on his own, about a month ago. We're seeing his oncologist Tues., I'm going to bring it up. More than pills, I honestly believe he needs some talk therapy with a good clinical psychologist. He also needs to become more physically active. His last appt. - 6 weeks ago - the oncologist ORDERED 30 minutes of walking a day. He hasn't done it once. So I'm going to rat on him about that one, too. I take Celexa, been on it since my clinical depression about 3 or 4 years ago. I think it really does help keep me "in balance."

I got Faith a flu shot on Friday and she's been fussy, a little on the edge, since then. Both Friday night and last night I was up with her literally half the night. She wakes up crying Mama Mama, poor thing. I have to hold her, she just cries if I put her down, which is NOT like her at all, so I end up all night sitting up with her in my lap. So I'm tired but gotta use the opportunity of her napping to do a few things. She's at that wonderful clingy, I want my mama, age of two!

Oh, I am following up on my own cancer. I am seeing my surgical oncologist on January for a follow up. I think about it every now and then, but mostly I've forgotten about it - but I am afraid that I'll get too busy with everyone else and completely forget about this until it's too late. Melanomas are wickedly deadly unless you catch them early - like my Stage II. And I am full of moles. So I won't let it go.

Well, better run, gang, but thanks for the words!

God Bless,

Karen C.

[David A]

Hi Karen, On top of taking the celexa I'm also seeing a counselor /social worker twice a month also, I was taking paxil, but the celexa works better for me as it doesn't give me as much fatique and right now I don't need any more fatique as I'm dealing with chemo again.

I think you are right, I think Dave might need a little help going in the right direction, I take my twin boys to school each day and pick them up and make dinner each night(sometimes left overs) and most days I try to do some light housekeeping, depending on my fatique level and Dr appts and such.

I know for myself with my 1st bout with cancer it consumed me a lot, this time not sure if it is the counseling, the celexa or the wanting to keep my life as normal as possible, it is different, I'm not ready to lay down and be a victim to this awful disease this time, want to m,ake the best of what left in my life and to make it normal as possible for my boys.

Take care. David

[Ry]

Just another suggestion Karen,

Keep the cleaning lady weekly. That way you're just maintaining till she comes back. Trust me on this. You said she needs the money, think of it as charity.

And boy if any two people ever needed a heart to heart, it's you two. You have to specifically tell him you need some help and work out a schedule where he will pick of Faith or whatever, but don't let this keep simmering.

Oh and excuse me David A. aka my partner in crime, I do not start that risque stuff in the chat. That's bobmc.

[Snowflake]

Karen,

I can't PM when you're a guest...

I know that it's hard to have an information exchange with one-way communication, but here's another shot

You guys should go to counseling - alone AND together. Parenting is supposed to be teamwork and it looks like you're doing all the heavy tackling while Dave is pretending to be one of the Lions with ongoing injuries.

Counseling will help, honest. Hubby and I go separately - different sides of the same coin AND all the other stress (i.e. kids and ex-spouses, work, finances...) that STILL exists - life doesn't stand still for the big "C", after all... Being able to communicate what you just stated about a simple 30 minutes to yourself a day would help - and a counselor would back you up on the time to rejuvenate. Dave may have cancer, but Faith is HIS daughter, too. Some father-daughter bonding is in order (and then there are times when only Mom will do). I understand where you are coming from on the want for him to step up and help, been there. Men are dumb - they need to be TOLD things...if it ain't spelled out for them and it ain't something they think of, they'll always fall back on "You never said anything about needing a hand re-surfacing the driveway - I put the toilet paper on the roller thingy..."

Try the counseling, get the lines of communication open and working. I think the communication with my new spouse is one of the few things holding me together right now. I feel that I can talk to him about anything (or darn close to it). I pushed him to go to counseling because he WASN'T talking to me and needed to talk to SOMEONE. We also had a few joint sessions and it helped us clear up a lot of things between us.

Please, don't think feeling this crappy is what it's all about. Motherhood is supposed to be WONDERFUL , and when it's crazy and you're losing your grip, it's time for Faith to have quality time with some of the other people that love her so you can take a deep breath without crying. Let go of the guilt, if you get some time to yourself daily, it won't get THIS bad. Dave needs to understand that a half hour of HIS precious time is really precious to YOU. I'm sure Faith would love Daddy to read her stories and you don't have to give up EVERY night with her, maybe just twice a week? On weekends, you two could even take your naps together after a (dry) tea party on the "big bed"

Follow through on taking care of YOU, your health is important, too!

Big hugs,

Becky

[Guest Karen C]

Hey Guys, especially Becky,

if you want to PM me, you can send me an email at my work - Karen_Chapman@dom.com. That way it will REALLY be private, ha!

OK, guys, especially Becky - I agree about the counseling. I had extensive counseling with a great clinical psychologist when I had depression after five years of failed infertility treatment, including three miscarriages (and D&C's, what fun). She was great and it really helped me. After I got better we brought Dave in for couple counseling. He wasn't there because WE had a problem, he was there because I had a problem. Now, everything is still my problem. He can be as rude, short and uncommunicative to me as he wants, and if I don't like it, I have a problem. He is really a great guy, and the wonderful caring guy you see on this board is Dave, but he has this little self defense mechanism that works like that. Another thing, guys, and this has been Dave since even before we got married, he will not sit down and have a heart to heart. He just won't. Oh, we may talk about a problem we had, but it always becomes a back in my face kind of thing. Bottom line, he just bottles everything up and won't discuss what's bothering him. Then, after he tosses it around in his head for a while, and when he decides he was wrong, or he needs to adjust his thinking, he just very subtly changes his behavior. Then he gets mad when I don't immediately notice the behavior change.

Anyway, I'm going to talk to the oncologist on Tuesda about getting him ounseling with someone who specializes in cancer survivors. I looked at the website for the cancer center at our medical college and they do have a post-treatment therapy problem, looks like rehabilitation for returning to work or something, but I would think they've got some counseling built in that he could partake of.

Signing off to take a nap. Faith has been sick all weekend, and last night I was up with her practically all night. She got a flu shot at the pediatrician's office on Friday and was fussy Friday evening, Saturday ran a low grade fever, yesterday it was 103.5 until we gave her tylenol. I checked on her at 3 am and she was lying there awake, burning up hot, so I got her up, gave her more tylenol, and laid with her in our big recliner (Dave's command post) until he got up. He felt OK to work for a few hours so he took her and is dropping her off at my Mom's house, which is on the way to his office. I'm going to nap a little and then go into work. So, I'm thinking either my big blow up worked, and he has internally adjusted his thinking (evidenced by taking Faith this morning) or he's been reading this . . . .! So I'd better get off here so I can use my ME time!

Oh, about bedtimes - he won't do it. He's always too tired. I'll ask, but he always declines. I'm telling you, by the time Faith and I get home at 6:30, he's a vegetable in the recliner, uncommunicative and if I ask him something like "how do you feel" he snaps at me. Doesn't pay much attention to Faith, thinks we ought to let her lie in the floor and cry when I'm fixing dinner (no one is paying attention to her). Frankly, I think after being at daycare all day she needs some attention from Mom and Dad . . .

Well, gotta run, thanks guys.

God Bless,

Karen