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What a day this has been. I got up with my head pounding. I know that some of it has been emotion but I could tell it is more. I went to the doctor and found that my suspecions are right. I have a sinus infection. For some reason when I get one it settles in the back of my head and the pain just keeps me from doing much.

At least I rested today. I have most everything done for my trip but a few things that don't require a lot of physical work. I am hoping by resting I will feel better by the time I leave.

Being sick took me back over the years. When I first moved out here I had bronchitis really bad. Johnny and I had been talking and he knew I was sick and wanted me to postpon my trip but I just couldn't do it. It was time for me to move forward to my new life.

There was an accident in front of us and a small bridge was knocked out so we went back to San Antonio. We stayed there for two days waiting for the next train. That trip is a story in itself and if I ever finish my Rail Tails it will be one of the major parts. While stranded there a lady I met on the train and I went to the River Walk and the Alemo. While we were there I got the call from Johnny saying that the CT suggested that he may have cancer.

I remember how excited I was as we got closer. I had only seen him once after finding each other and now I would visit then come on to Calirornia to start my new life. Eventually I would bring up his name and introduce the idea of us to my family. As fate had it it never worked that way.

Anyway that May it was so wonderful to be with him again. You could tell he had been sick and he did have problems but God seeing him was like medicine for my battered soul. I had my movie camera and took some movies of him and his son's family. His little grandson called me Mama and they all thought that was cute. Later when we were together he called me Maw Maw Lillian.

On Memorial day we went with his son and his family up to Mayfield dam. It was such a beautiful drive and the Rodondendrun were all in bloom. I feel in love with the area right then. There was a coffee shop there and Johnny could never pass up a cup of coffee. He was leaning on the counter waiting for his cup of coffee when I filmed him. He said " Oh grandma's got the camera out". It was as if I were his and his family's right from the start.

Later on that film I have him in the hospital and one time he was trying to sing the song he had written for me but the Albuteral had him shaky and he was having trouble remembering all of the words. The last film of him was taken that beautiful day we had when we went to Lake Quinalt. The day before the remark was made that would destroy our beautiful world. He was originally from Oklahoma you know. He hadn't lived there sense he was 9 or 10 years old but he never lost his accent.

Tonight I took that film out and watched it. I know some of you may think I am torturing myself to watch it today of all days. It was just the oposite. It was so good to see him alive and hear his voice and the way we interacted.

One day we had gone on a drive out in the country. It was the first we had gone on in a while because tha axiety attacks were playing havoc with our lives. I wanted film to send to my children and grandchildren of the beautiful place where I lived. He did't want to hold the camera and I was upset with him because of something his daughter said that he was letting get to him. I was really bitchy to him. He finally got so upset with me trying to film and drive that he took the camera. The things he said are what makes the film

It was so good to watch that and see and hear him alive. It was good to see those images instead of the ones that assalted me for the past 3 days. So now I go on and hope that maybe next year will be a little easier. I don't want to forget, but I don't want to be so tormented every year.

Now I just have to get past this sinus infection so I can go spend Christmas with my family. Thinks for leting me unload again> Lillian

PS I have been reading everything especially about Rich. I just haven't been able to answer. I know how much he will be missed.

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