Feelings

[michellep]

I need to talk to a friend, but I don't even know what to say. I wish someone could look inside my head and know all the things I wonder and think about. I''m scared, I'm so afraid. I am lonely and lost and so many other things. My head just spins and my heart aches and my stomach is in knots. I don't know what to do or say. I want to go and yet where?

I don't want to start all over again, and I don't want to make the decisions alone. I don't want to think. I'm tired. Is this life? Things are rotten and cruel, and the pit I see is deep, long, and dark. How will I get to the top? How will I get out?

I wander through the house doing the things I have to do and then realize I am just sitting on the floor with all the memories of him, heartaches, headaches, sadness, loss. Remembering the struggles, fights, laughs, things we did that were funny and the mistakes we never seem to forget.

I want someone to put their arms around me and tell me it will be alright. "Just wait and see, you need time." I cry for hours hoping that all of a sudden something will happen to take away my fears and change what has happened in my life. But that moment never comes.

I hate the words "why" and "how come". I pray for that great strength we are all supposed to have, and I ask for hope, guidance and, yes, another chance. I'd like to turn back time for a few special moments, but it doesn't happen. I ask myself, why me? What did I do that was so awful for this to happen? I look around and see really awful people and awful things they do, yet good things happen to them.

People say how strong I am, how tough I am. But I'm not as strong or tough as they think. I play the game and laugh with people and then they are gone and I'm alone again. Tomorrow all of this will repeat itself. Life goes on....but how?

This is how I am today, God. Please bring me peace tomorrow and put a smile on my face so that I can put a smile on the face of others.

I don't want to hear lies from others and I don't want to be told I'm in my own world of self pity. I am lost, mad, angry and hurt. I have needed to say all of these things to a dear friend who would not condemn but understand, accept, and say nothing.

People keep asking me how I am, how I am doing. Well, this is how I am today. If I seem to fail anyone's expectations, I'm sorry.

[Calintay]

(((Michelle))) I have never gone through anything like what you have endured, however, it all sounds like a normal part of the grieving process. I have no words that will make it all go away but just my support and "shoulder" to cry on. You have many friends here that understand what you are going through and you never have to worry about meeting ANYONES expectations. You are your own being, you have your own grieving process and to us you will ALWAYS meet our expectations. Michelle you really are an amazing lady and I hope this day passes gently for you and that tomorrow is better.

Much love and hugs,

Heidi

[RandyW]

you never fail anyone's expectations Michelle! I wish I had the words to make everything better But we soldier on with out the ones we love! We are who we are and that's all anyone can expect us to be. We are not superhuman beings. We are people and we do have emotions and feelings that's what makes us special! Wish I had the right words and i probably don't there but I understand how You feel !

[Janette]

I get how you feel today Michelle. One day I think, geez I just might be o.k. ya know, but I really don't think I'll ever be o.k. again.

We lost Mark to this terrible disease on August 17, 2008 and then just 7 months later, on April 11, 2009 we lost my 20 month old grandson in a tragic accident. How I used to be is forever gone. Someone asked me once how am I standing. I really don't know and that is still my answer.

I've had all those terrible thoughts and I still do. but then I know I could never cause my family more pain and I guess that's how I go on. Not really wanting to but having to for them.

[lilyjohn]

I think I told you once before Michelle that you sound so much like I did and believe it or not after over 7 years still do at times. What has happened to your life is cruel and it just plain hurts. No one can understand completely what you are going through even those of us who have been there because it is different for each of us. You want honesty well here it is. There is no majic cure. You hurt now and a big part of you will always hurt. The secret is not getting rid of the hurt but learning to live with it. In time it does get easier but it will never completely go away.

Your life has changed and it will continue to change as you learn new things because you have to not because you want to. The old saying " life goes on" is true, it just doesn't tell you that life will be harder and hold less joy than it did before. It also doesn't tell you that the joy you do feel will be so much greater because you know what the other side is like so you can appreciate joy, love and laughter a lot more than you ever did before because you know how precious those things are.

Some of the people who have been here sense I first came here could tell you just how bad I was. It took a long time and is still an on going process. Just a few days ago I was cleaning and came across some papers from when I was caring for Johnny and running him to doctor appointments. I had them in my hand to throw them away but I just couldn't do it. They are a part of my life with him. I feel like each time I let something go I am letting a part of us go and I just can't let myself lose him or my connection to him. I know I have his love and he has mine but I still want and need the physical reminders. Some people get rid of everything right away. I just can't.

I think we all ask the question " why me" and see people who seem so undeserving who never seem to lose while we feel so cheated. I read somewhere that what we need to ask ourselves is " why not me? What makes me so special that I don't deserve this pain and someone else does". It took a while and I do ask that question but stil the others haunt me often when least expected. The one thing I have learned is that there are some things in life that we will never know the answers to. That is hare for someone like me who always wants to know all but that is just the way things are.

So my friend don't beat yourself up for the way you feel. You have enough on your shoulders without worrying about what others think of your feelings and behavior. All of us here love and support you. You spill it out anytime we will be here.

[Trawna]

(((Michelle))) I rarely post here since I lost my husband of almost 39 years last April, but I do come every day to hear the advice and support that so many are so willing to provide and I find it a wonderful support, so do keep coming and share your thoughts. Sometimes just putting it into words and letting others see it and respond is in itself a great support.

As awful as it is, the grief process is unique to every individual and there are no "stages" or "rules" as to how we go through it or what might help to make it easier. I can only tell you what I have found helpful. The first is that I see my family doctor every 6 weeks. I have had him for over 30 years, and he was also my husband's MD. He has spent literally hours talking me through the grief experience, discussing what's "normal" and what isn't, checking my physical health (yes, grief causes physical as well as mental pain and problems!) and he has prescribed something to help me sleep and also something to help cope with depression. The first anti-depresion meds didn't work so a month ago he changed over to a different one ... this alone is a good reason to see an MD on a regular basis. In addition he will refer me if and when I want it to counselling but so far seeing him on a regular basis has been helpful enough in that area.

The second was connecting with other friends who have been recently widowed. I have 3 who have known both my husband and I for years, and I knew their husbands too ... 1 is just in a very different headspace/lifespace so really is not useful, but the other two in their own ways have been experiencing much of what I have. We talk on the phone regularly, and when I get very down and depressed I will arrange a brunch or lunch with them and we can talk, no holds barred, about how we feel and why we think it is hitting us the way it does.

Finally, remember that there are no rules for grief and we each of us have to just work through it and live through it as best we can, until we can resume a more-or-less normal life, but that will not be the old normal, it will be the new normal, and we'll eventually get there. Don't hold ourself up to anyone's expectations, just live your life as you must day by day and if that means crying 6 hours a day (which I did) then give yourself permission for that ... the only way to the healing is to work through the process yourself, with your own rules and without trying to live up to anybody's expectations.

My thoughts are with you.

Jane

[michellep]

Jane,

Thank you so very much for your kind words of support. I'm also saddened by your loss as well.

It's such a difficult process trying to create a whole new "identity". I 'm very glad that you have others in your life who can understand and support you, sad to say that I don't have that. BUT...one day at a time right?

I believe that the biggest issue I have myself is guilt. I feel responsible for the suffering my husband had to endure....and I feel that I need in addition to praying to God for forgiveness that I do anything I can to help others.

Thanks again......and bless your heart for posting to me. I feel so alone sometimes and your post helped me a lot.

[Trawna]

Michelle, if you want to talk to me feel free to email me with your phone number, or I will give you mine if you email. Guilt is normal, I still have a lot of it to work through.

(((hugs)))

Jane