Dealing with guilt about the way my cancer impacts my family

[curlysue50]

I know it probably sounds crazy, but I have been feeling guilty, or maybe sadness is a better word, about how much my lung cancer has impacted my family emotionally and financially. The cost in all respects seems too high for my husband, daughters, sisters and parents, to bear. I feel like I have been the cause of the loss of my own and my husbands dreams and plans for retirement at our cottage. I know we are never promised tomorrow, but it seems so much of our life right now revolves around me and my cancer. It is the center of a universe I did not choose for myself, but I would give anything not to be in. My loved ones do not deserve this. We are making so many changes and adjustments to acommadate me. I am so so uncomfortable with the idea of others giving up and sacrificing their needs for me. I did not choose cancer, it chose me, but I still feel like I am at fault in some way.

How have others coped with the financial and emotional burdens placed on their families by their LUNG CANCER?

Susan

[shineladysue]

(((Susan))),

Your post just made me want to reach out and give you a big huge hug. First of all, your family is blessed to have you. You obviously love them so very much that you are putting their happiness and needs ahead of your own. I'm not the cancer patient, but I think I can understand what you are saying. You said it best, ya know... "I did not choose cancer, it chose me".. If you chose this for yourself, THEN, you might have reason to feel guilt, but you did not. Susan, we never know what roads we may have to travel in life. People lose jobs, they suffer from illnesses, they live with tragedies like tornadoes, earthquakes etc.. all kinds of things just happen.. $#!* happens and it alters our lives, but it's how we handle the detours that is important. I'd say that from where I sit, you are doing exactly what you should do.. you are thinking out loud and trying to figure out how to make the best of this situation. I know that you will come to terms with your circumstances, factor in the limitations physically and financially and find a way to make the best of what you are given right now. I hope some other cancer patients will come along and share how they work through the thought processes that you are going through because I know I can't understand until I have walked in similar shoes. My best to you.

Hugs,

Sue

[ginnyde]

Susan, it was my honor to take care of my husband, to have our retirement plans disappear, to watch him suffer, to impact our savings etc etc.

Maybe honor is the wrong word. I loved him. His well being was far more important than thing else.

I am sure your family feels this way about you. Of course, they would like it to be like before, this is just natural. But it isn't and they love you and will do what it takes to be there for you.

[curlysue50]

Thanks for your support. Intellectually I know you are saying is true. but sometimes emotions defy logic. And that I guess is what I am trying to sort out for myself. It was comforting to hear how you feel as caregivers, because that is exactly what my family is saying to me.

[RandyW]

I would not have traded those years for anyone else.. Loved my wife to the day she died and still do.. almost 6 and a half years later.. I may have been broke but I was happy yo have someone there by my side who appreciated what all I did for her. we paid the bills when they came in and did what we could when we could...

[Janet B]

Susan

It took me a while to answer this one because it is a hard one!   The replies you have already gotten are amazing and true, let me try to explain it from my perspective.

When I was in my early 30s my mother had pancreatic cancer.  She kept apologizing over and over to her children for "doing this to us". We all felt she was crazy for thinking this, SHE didn't do anything to us, the cancer did.  We were thankful that we could be there for her, that we could comfort her, support her, take time away from our "normal" lives to be with her.  When I look back on those days I do not think about the stress it caused on my family, or the money that was spent, or the things we put aside doing, I think of the joy we had with her, the peace we felt knowing we were helping, and the strength we developed as a family working together.  Then I got cancer, and I found myself saying the same thing to my husband and children, "I am so sorry, for doing this to you.". I felt guilty that I had taken their joy, their belief  in happy endings, their belief that we would have a long life together.  I felt guilty for giving them pain, worry, stress.    But, they reminded me that I hadn't done any of that.  Cancer changed things.  But our love would not let it ruin our lives in the process.  

I guess some of it comes with time, but I can look at my family now, 5 1/2  years later and see that cancer did just the opposite of ruining our lives, it made us all stronger and it most certainly made our family unit stronger.  My children are closer to each other than a mother could ever hope for and my sisters and I have developed a new found respect for each other and a friendship that goes beyond the bonds of sisterhood.  

Just this week there was a huge sign for me that they were going to be ok.  My oldest child has always been a momma's girl.  Even before cancer,  she called everyday, came home as often as possible, and preferred my company over her friends and boyfriends. I was so worried that the diagnosis would make her even more dependent on me and for a while it did.  This week she was discussing her career and boyfriend with me. He is in the army.  My daughter, the one who swore she would never live farther than 2 hours from her mother, told me she would probably follow him wherever he ended up being stationed.  This was such an amazing relief to me.  Not that my girl might live far away, but that my girl is not letting my cancer define her life, she  will and IS going to survive this. All of my children will survive this, and they will be stronger siblings because of it.

My husband and the money is a different issue.  We have been married for 30 years, we have been together 37.  Our marriage has evolved into what can be described as a good friendship.   In other words, we do love each other, but our lives certainly do not revolve around each other.  He has been at a loss as to what to do to help, not being particularly affectionate or romantic, the best thing he has found to do is to work even harder.  To him, the way to help is to relieve the money worries.  I know he is not doing this because he is worried about the money, but instead that he knows I am worried. I can think of a thousand other ways he could help, but this is what works for him, so that is what is best for us.  I have learned to let people help the way they can, not necessarily the way I need and to be grateful for that.  I think the way I can honor him the most, and help him deal with this is to accept the ways he finds to help and the ways he needs to deal with it. (I am also very grateful that we are lucky enough to have health insurance and I wish that every American could say the same, but that is a political issue so I won't go any farther with that.)

I don't know if any of this helped, but just remember that YOU didn't do this to anybody and the people around you know that and love you and are grateful that they can help.  

Remember also, that none of us are promised a tomorrow, that is why we have to truly LIVE each day.  (my 23 year old son just asked for advice on saving money, I told him not to save more than a few months living wage.  Instead, enjoy his life, it is too short not to. )

Matt E. from the Hope Summit put this quote on FB today, - "Worrying does not take away tomorrow's troubles, it takes away today's peace.". Words to live by.

Peace to you, and huge hugs

[curlysue50]

Janet:

Thank you for letting me know I am not crazy. I really appreciate the reassurance. We have not dealt with cancer or even death in my immediate family. Of course, grandparents have passed, but none of my siblings, their spouses, children or even my parents. We have been blessed and of course I have not gone anywhere yet! This is a new experience for all of us, facing my mortality, and I have already had a reconnection with my family, especially my three sisters. I was the oldest, so first to go to college, first to marry, first to have a child, first to live in three different states away from Michigan. I felt out of the loop, and my next youngest sister, with whom I was very close as a child, said to me recently," Why did we wait 15 years to reconnect like this?" I currently live about 90 miles away from them, but they live in Ann Arbor where I go for treatment.

I am the money organizer in our family and my husband keeps promising to take that over, but so far has not. He is working, but I was even paying the bills while I was very sick. I could barely sit at the computer and make the online payments, and it is a miracle, with my mind as it was,that I never missed a bill or made any mistakes. I lost my long term job 3 years ago, when the business closed and we carry a private insurance policy. Thank goodness we did not let our coverage lapse. It is expensive, but we made the choice to carry it anyways. Our deductible is high, but after out out of pocket expenses limit is met, they cover everything. But, the first few months of the year were expensive. I can only do what I can do. I may have to cash in the small 401K I took when my job ended and try to make ends meet. It does seem our needs always do get met. Just when I think we will have a crisis, Jim's boss will hand him a bonus. I know someone is looking out for us. My faith has always been a challenge for me. Sometimes I do better than others. I laugh when you talk about taking a "slug" day. When I have a day like that I think of it as a day to recharge my peace and serenity battery. Sounds like you use it the same way.

Thanks for the encouragement. We all do the best we can and the most important thing we have to remember is that WE ARE NOT ALONE!

Susan

[beatlemike]

Susan, it doesnt sound crazy to me at all. I very much had the very same thoughts and feelings and still do at times. My biggest fear and worry was that I didnt want them to hurt. I worried so much about my grandkids who were living with us at the time and how they would ever get by without me. Fortunatley I am still here 7 years later and am able to have a little hindsite. Even if cancer had gotten the better of me and I would have passed on in a short time, I can now see that my grandchildren would have been OK. There lifes were not completly dependent on me as I had thought. There were many others out there who loved and cared for them also. Of course they would of hurt, I have never figured out a way to have love in our lifes without it hurting sometimes. I wish the very best in finding answers.