Back

[t_beanes]

yes, back from working.

Meaning I don't go there anymore.

It was such a mess of a job and it converted me into even more of a problem to myself.There was no more time for internet, reading or anything else.I felt constantly chased.

So I have taken to attacking house issues again...like getting curtains hung etc....now not more living in an aquarium or at night in a safe...constantly with the shutters down.Then I turn around and ask myself for whom the hack do I do all this.

As if Richard would come back one day.....Days go by and I am re-living our last months.Soon there will be the first aniversary of his death coming.My brain does not accept it.The words sound strange and meaningless like made of plastic.

Richard once said to me : Somehow you have the easy part and somehow the difficult one.

Life is so empty ....I still don't know any people other than those on the internet.

Here everyone is very much involved in family and foreigners are foreigners.It is very rural.

May be I have to learn to talk to myself or write .....well that is one thing I do:

Writing to my mother in law who lives in the UK about 4 letters a week.

She cannot get over it either.Her eldest and dearest son.

I am still crying every day....Reading your posts helped and doind things helps to ....but it does not fill the void inside me.

Forget it.....

Just wanted to let you know that I am back to read and occasionaly write.

Had problems with my computer too.....

OK.Sending many greetings

Tina, Vilobi, Spain

[lilyjohn]

Welcome back you have been missed. Glad to know that you are surviving even if that survival is not as fulfilling as you would want it to be. The void you speak of is something that becomes a part of you as time passes. You will always know it is there but eventually other things will take you away from it for a while..

I know facing the aniversary of your loves death is in many ways harder than the first few days and weeks. You are no longer able to tell yourself that this is a nightmare that you will wake from. Once that reality hits you it is so hard to deal with. A part of you is missing and where that part is there is an empty spot. I know that I have good moments now. Sometimes I even have whole days that are not really good but more bearable. When we lose someone who we share everything we have and everything we are with nothing can replace them. The void is the spot where they belong. The pain is from having a part of you ripped away.

The only thing that gets me through the worst times is knowing that tho he took so much of me with him he left so much of himself with me. I can still hear his voice and see the smile in his eyes and often the memory of his touch is so strong that it comforts me. These are the things that grow stronger for me instead of weaker. They give me strength because I know that no matter how bad things get for me or how much pain or lonliness I feel I will never lose his love. It lives in me and it strengthens me. Time doesn't heal the pain or fill that void but it makes us realize how lucky we have been to know such a love.

Being in a strange place is very hard because you feel so much more alone. I know I spent the first 4 months after my Johnny died completely alone. Alone and lost. Having to work in some ways helps but in others you feel like you are being robbed of the time you want to spend in memories. Memories that take you back to a time when the world was right side up instead of spinning out of control. I have found that sometimes when I am with other people I am more lonely than ever. No one lived in the world that Johnny and I shared. It was our own special place that no other person could enter. When I'm with other people I feel like they are distracting me and keeping me out of that special private world. They may want to comfort us or they may not even know how much we ache so all they are doing is intruding on our world, our love.

Coming to this message board and being able to share with the people here and know that they understand has done more to help me than anything else. I can let them into my world when I need someone to share with or I can close the door and keep them out when I just want the time alone with my memories. I have family close to me now but most still are many miles away. It helps just knowing someone is close. Being so far away from the others I love can be frightening at times. I want them near but I don't want them always with me.

Please come here as often as you can and feel the need. Maybe you can find a way to move closer to some family or special friend...If you can afford to take as much time off as you need to sort through the feelings that you have. I have found that writing a journal or letters to Johnny help more than just about anything else. When I do those things I remember not only the painful times but the laughter and love. It renews my spirit and gives me a chance to catch my breath before the next time I am hit with that lost feeling. The void doesn't go away, at least is hasn't for me but it is a special place inside of me that no one can go. That is where deep inside of my heart my Johnny lives forever.

Lillian

[shirleyb]

Tina,

I am so glad to see you are back!!! I have been wondering about you girl.

It is good to read that you now have curtains on the windows and your home is taking shape. I bet they look really nice. Every little thing you do for yourself is an accomplishment and should be celebrated.

Sorry you are in so much pain yet but everyone has their own timeline in handling the death of their loved ones. I am glad you are able to talk to your mother in law about it. It helps to have someone to talk to. Just don't forget about us here too. There are lots of good listeners here too.

Keep in touch.

Much love,

Shirley

[ginnyde]

Welcome back Tina, you were missed.

[mhutch1366]

Tina,

Good to see you.

Please don't stay away as long next time.

XOXOX

MaryAnn

[t_beanes]

Thank you for replying......you are probably sound asleep right now...strange those time zones....

I realized today that I try to be cheerfull with people....so as not to let them look inside.

The world turns and every day I feel like standing beside it watching.Holding him in my arms, trying to protect him (huh...the one who always protected me...). telling him that I am still with him.Like when I said to him once when he was still with me : I feel as if we will wlways be together....He felt the same.

Telling him that he is not alone.As if I have got us into a place for ourselves.

May be it is that void place..I mentioned.

Why is it that human beeings are not made to be islands ?Why do we need to love and give love? Must be connected to the past to asure survival in an environment that was very hostil to begin with.

But the stupid thing is that when staring into the fact that life comes to an end....then we are back to realizing that we are indeed totally on our own. That our life and its burdens are intirely ours...nobody can come in to comfort or indeed help.

What a misfit.

Well if that is the right word for it.

I am trying to sort through my different approaches to see what I am actualy doing.

There is no cure as we all know.Life means one and a thousand different ways to handle things - death has no options any more.

So I am trying to find a way dispite "no options" and find out that it does not work.Congratulations....

Sorry I think I am biting my tail....Don't want to bore.Just clearing brain and handing out exhausted thoughts I guess.

Weekend is over soon....Will go into my unrained upon garden and snip away on some roses which are in desperate need for care.

And will go into the garage to paint some more pictures .....all in brown and black so far...really ugly...but that is what comes out. I let it happen.

Many regards and much appreciated your answers !

It helps so much to have a place to go to.

Adios Bettina