Mixed emotions

[lilyjohn]

My emotions are so raw sometimes and they are so mixed up. I'm not sure if I am the only one who feels some of these things but I suspect that I am not. I just feel an overwhelming need to share them here. I don't want to hurt anyones feelings or make them doubt my concern and love for everyone on this board. I'm afriad that some of the things I will say may be as painful for someone else as they are for me.

I come here often for support and to try to give support. Some how connecting with everyone here makes me feel closer to Johnny. I see and feel the pain and fear of every person who posts here. It doesn't matter if it is someone new just starting on this long road of pain or those who have been engaged in the battle for years or even months. I know too there are many like myself who have lost someone so close and so much a part of their lives that they are trying to not only go on but wonder sometime if it is even worth it. That is why some of my emotions fill me with such guilt.

I want everyone to beat this monster. I hate it for what it has robbed me of and what it has and is robbing all of you of. It's just that sometimes I get so jealous and angry. I see someone new come here frightened and confused but I see that they have it all ahead of them. They still have a chance to learn and maybe somehow save themselves or their loved one. They still have time ahead of them together. Time that I don't have and it hurts and makes me angry and jealous. I feel your pain and ache for you but I feel my pain too.

Then I see the ones who are fighting so hard. It doen't matter if you are winning or losing. You are still fighting and some have been here so long. I see that and I ache for you but I can't help but say "Why you? Why do you have the chance that Johnny didn't have? Why are you stilll here months or years into your fight and he is gone? Gone so soon and not given the chance he wanted to fight for his life. I feel so guilty and ashamed of those feelings. I know how selfish I sound and I hate that but I can't stop it.

I want so much to find a way to help. I want to make changes and feel that Johnny's death can bring something besides such terrible pain. I'm just not sure how to do that. I'm not even sure how to live from day to day anymore. How can I know what to do to help others when I don't know how to help myself?

Now I am faced with another problem. It has been there sense Johnny's death but I tried to ignore it and hoped that the situation would solve itself but it hasn't and I can't ignore it any more. It is about Johnny's little dog Misty.

For nine years before I came back into Johnny's life Misty was his constant companion. She gave him the only uncondtional love that he craved so much. He shared everything with her and loved her so much. He called her his little camping buddy. He spoiled her and she had so many bad habits. At least they were bad habits to me but not really to him. To him they were just part of the love that they shared.

Once we were together I took care of her as well as him. She gained weight and looked so much better. He was just so proud of the way that I took care of her. I handled her physical needs and he gave her the love that she needed. He started saying that she was our dog not just his. I wanted to care for her for him but I also wanted to break some of those bad habits. I didn't think it was good to let her beg while we were eating and asked him not to share his food with her all of the time.. He complied with my wishes.. Her hair is white and like wire and sticks into everything so I didn't allow her on the furniture and he agreed with that too even tho for all of her life she had slept on his bed with him. I look back now and I know that I robbed them both of things that they had been sharing and I think that is the root of the problem I have now but I don't know what to do about it.

I take good care of her and I know that deep down I love her too. I just can't show her the affection that I know she craves. She is so loyal and watches me so expectantly and I know she is waiting for the show of love that Johnny gave to her. I just can't do it. In my mind she is still Johnny's dog even after all of this time. It is almost as if I am afraid to give her the affection that she needs because I didn't give it to her while Johnny was alive. I think a part of me feels guilt for what I took away from them. How can I give her now what I didn't when he was here and could have enjoyed it? I want so much to give her what she needs but somehow that block is there in my heart and I can't get around it. I feel so guilty because I know how much she needs my affection and I know how much Johnny trusted me to care for her. I know that I am letting him down.

I know that he is still imprinted in her mind. She sees a man and she flirts outragously with him. When we are walking she pulls her leash and tries so hard to reach any man that she sees. If I play the video I have and she hears his voice she stays in front of the television for the rest of the day. She is cute and small and strangers that to her. They give her everything that I can't. I guess what I am asking is has anyone else had this kind of problem with a pet? I'm asking too that you pray for me to find a way to melt this block of ice in my heart so I can give her what she needs most.

Sometimes I wonder if there will ever come a day when the hurt and confusion will leave me alone for more than just a few minutes at a time. I'm so sorry if the things I have said here offend any one. That is not want I want to do. I love all of you and wish you the very best. I just feel so lost and don't know how to cope with so many of the things in life.

[shirleyb]

Lillian,

Honey, you are human. I am sorry you are feeling so confused at the moment. I don't really know what to say.

The issue with the dog is something that you will have to work out and I really don't have any advice for that as I am not a dog lover. Maybe someone else here can help you with that. David????

If I could give you a hug right now I would.

I understand what you are saying about being jealous. The time we both had with our best friends was cut short only too soon. You for finding Johnny after so many years, mine for learning Randy had cancer and just a month later him dying. I feel so cheated and then I too look at others here and I get jealous sometimes. I wanted more time. But then I think to myself, Randy would not have wanted to continue to live after he had the heart attack. He would have had so much brain damage and probably would have never left the hospital again in the condition he was in. I KNOW HE WOULD NOT HAVE WANTED THAT....NOT FOR ONE DAY. So I feel blessed that when he had the heart attack, he was taken into the arms of God to be held and comforted. Randy and Johnny are in a much better place than we will ever see here on earth. God has His plans and we have to have faith that whatever happened was for the best for Johnny and for Randy. I just have to keep having the faith to accept, and pray for peace to come into my heart and soul. I have to believe that this was not all in vain, that someone will learn from what we have been through. I know that there are those on this board that are new, that need to see how important it is to love those they HAVE NOW and not wait to make their relationships right. You never know what tomorrow will bring. So if just one family comes to understand that, then Randy's death was not in vain. I have helped someone else to understand. That is all I can hope for. Is for others to learn from what we have been through. You have done so much to bring awareness to this board.

Lillian, take a deep breath, give the dog a pat on the head, and be kind to yourself.

I will give you a call soon.

Much love,

Shirley

[Ann]

Lillian...you are not the only one here that has the feelings of "jealousy" and the question of why my loved one and not theirs! It's all a part of being human! Thank God you are still having all these feelings, as it's a sign you're normal and still in touch with reality!!! I wonder all the time why it was Dennis that died at such an early age. I see so many of our friends and although I would never wish them any harm, I have to wonder why they are healthy and happy and why Dennis is gone and I'm so sad! You're only experiencing what the rest of us that have lost a spouse have felt at sometime. Maybe some of us are not willing to admit having those feelings but I can pretty much guarantee you that they have felt the same way!

As for Misty...think of how much companionship she has been to you for the past year and then imagine your life without her. I know from all the deep heart-to-heart conversations you and I have had that you want to hold on to everything about Johnny that you possibly can...and this would certainly include Misty. She needs you, just as you need her. Yes, she may have some bad habits you don't agree with but gal...get over it. We both know by know just how short life can be and that we get absolutely no where at all by sweating the little stuff in life. Before you came back into Johnny's life...she was all he really had that he could count on. Pick her up and give her a big hug and thanks for being such a good companion for so long to someone you loved so much! I know you pretty well by now and know what a big heart you have!!! Pass some of that love on to a little friend that is missing Johnny as much as you are!!! He was her life too! I think you need to do what I have done often in the past year and go outside and scream. I have close neighbors, so I usually do this in the car with the radio on and the windows up! You will be surprised how much better you will feel afterwards!!!

[shirleyb]

Ladies,

I really wish I had your talent for writing and putting down on paper what you are feeling. Ann you are so right about Misty. You both have so much to offer and your writting here is proof positive. This is why I keep coming back.

Also, I think I am over the horrible depression I was in just a few weeks ago. Time has been the key and reading what you have both written in the last weeks has helped so much. Thank you both so much for sharing from the heart what alot of us are feeling.

Much love to you both.

Shirley

[Ann]

So glad you are felling much better, Shirley. It's so funny how our ups and downs can change from day to day, often with no apparent reason. You, too, are a very talented lady who has written some very strong and powerful words that have meant so much to me. Of all the things I remember about your writings is about just wishing for peace. I now find myself saying that in so many situations, If we can find peace within ourselves then life is good. I think I am now on my way to finding that peace. I am now accepting that I cannot change things but can only strive to make them better. I also learned from you that I have the ability to make or break a day by the way I think and feel. Remember...I have choices at the beginning of each day! I have really been trying to have only good days. Sometimes that has been very hard but I am striving! I am trying to keep myself very busy with things I enjoy. I started on a diet to take off a few pounds I put back on recently. Today, I got out and walked for a mile after work. I found this did more for me than burn calories...it really helped to clear the cobwebs from my head. All of us that have lost a spouse have had our lives entirely altered. I know that it sounds harsh to actually be able to say "I'm alright and I will have a good day today". I guess that was hard for me to say, as I realized that Dennis could not have a good day. There are so many people on this board that have helped me to change the way I feel about life in general. Shirley, you are definitely one of those people. I admire your wisdom and your ability to help others when you are in such pain yourself. I also admire Lilliam for the strength she has shown. To move away from home, friends and family and start a new life is a very courageous step! Let's just all stick together here and help each other along. I think we should all make a pact that we will wake in the morning and make a choice to have to have a really good day....just because our spouses and partners would have wanted it that way and because we are SURVIVORS!!!!!

[J.C.]

Lily, Shitley, Ann,

Words seem to come easy for you, for me it is a fight each

time I write, I am afraid to hurt people feelings because

my age nearly puts me out of context.

Each day is a fight now that I am alone, I was also jealous

when I saw couple together, till one day in the mall where

there was a special exhibition for Xmas gifts, I saw many

couples having arguments about what to get or not get.

I never had those arguments with Mike, and it made me realized

that it was better for me to be alone than have to fight each day

with a person you are not compatible with. Life for us is too

precious to lose half of it in arguments. So jealousy was put

aside.

Now I am jealous of people that are alone and have to use wheel

chairs to get around. It remind me of the many time I was out

with Mike, him in the wheelchair, sometimes with the oxygen,

others without and me proudly pushing him and both of us having

as good a time as we could get. We were a couple and got along

so well, now I am alone and those I see are alone also, but I am

asking, Why? did he have to go when we were still enjoying life

as a couple ?

I think that as long as we look around us we will find something

that will rub us the wrong way, scenery, people...........

For Misty, Lily, pour your heart out to her, just like John must have

for many years, she will return the love and affection you give her

by the hundredfold, I am sure that John would smile on both of you

from where he is.

Sorry for my way of writing the heart is there but the words are

hard for me to find.

Hugs to all

J.C.

[okiegrl]

Lillian ~

When my Ken died last March I had just lost my dog of 14 years 6 months earlier to prostrate cancer. It just about killed me to have to put him down. In fact I didn't want to only wanted to bring him home, but Ken my husband said it would be better for the boy he wouldn't hurt anymore and then he said the most powerful words I will ever recall coming from this man. They treat dogs better than people. At first I didn't understand what he meant, now I do. Any way about a month later he said something about getting another dog. Well at first I just wouldn't have anything to do with it. I mean my friend of 14 years just pasted and felt it would be wrong to do. But Ken knew it would be what I needed. Since he knew he would be leaving me soon. He knew it would bring me the companionship I would need, the love I would need. Let me tell you I am so glad now I got Hause, he's a bull mastif blackmask my BIG gober as I call him. He only knew my husband for about 6 months of his life and when Ken died this dog was what got me up in the morning, washed my face with his kisses, laid his head on my lap, ect.....made me function literally.. even though he only knew Ken for 6 months of his life he knew DA, what we called Ken to him, was not here anymore and I could tell he missed him as much as me. We both needed each other. They listen and do not complain, they love ya even in your worst moments. And they are our best friends in this time. I bet if you really look you will notice she will remind you of him. It may sound strange but they almost take on the character of the master and believe me sometimes I can see Hause do things and I think you know that dog still remembers Ken or better yet here's a funny one, the other night I was laying in bed and just couldn't seem to get myself to go to sleep here was the dog laying on the floor next to the bed and was snoring and you know what - I swear it sounded just like my Ken snoring. I couldn't help but laugh to myself because it was like he was there, in that dog. Next thing I knew I was asleep. So look at your little girl and know she loved him too and she will be your comfort always. They may not be them per say, but in some respects they can show us them. And all you can do is take comfort in knowing she loves you too just as he did. Cause they do.

[Kris]

My Dad was a hunter. He loved to hunt. His favorite was to hunt rabbits and I think it was because he loved to hunt with his beagles. We always had a beagle or two as I was growing up. It was because of that that I am so fond of them. They were my playmates but they were my Dad's companions. He loved his dogs. After my Dad passed away it was quite a blow to realize that they dogs would need to be given away. My Mom couldn't take on the responsibility for them and she said it wasn't fair for them not to be hunting. That was their life. As I live in an apartment, it was out of the question for me to take Peg and Brit (the dogs) in. To this day, I am heartbroken. They were my Dad's joy and I respected those dogs for that. They were even able brought him happiness when he was so sick. Even in the last days that he was in the hospital, he was calling for Peg. She was his best buddy. Because he loved those dogs so much I couldn't help but love them too. And when he was too sick to take care of them, I did. I gave them the attention and the love that they needed and I took them for walks through the fields (I know nothing about rabbit hunting so the poor dogs probably wondered what kind of new hunting technique this was....hunting on a leash, ha!)....although not as much as he would have given to them. But I think those dogs helped me just as much as I hope I helped them. We found good homes for them with some relatives who like to hunt but I still ache for their company because they were so much a part of my Dad's life. I gues what I am trying to say is...I think you'll be amazed at what Misty can give to you. Yes, she needs you but I have a feeling that once you let her in, you'll find you need her too. Give her a chance.

Kris