lilyjohn Posted February 10, 2004 Share Posted February 10, 2004 Today is one of those days that I am not coping well and I expect I will have a few more this week. I'm heading into town in a while to have my birthday lunch alone. I guess that is better than last year when I spend the whole day holed up in my apartment and heard not one human voice all day. It was so soon after Johnny died that I really only wanted to be alone but would have liked to have heard from someone. My own family were all hundreds and thousands of miles away. Johnny's family were near but they just never bothered to call. I've had several messages this morning but still feel very alone and can't get last year off of my mind. I just miss Johnny so much. Saturday is Valentines Day and should have been mine and Johnny's first wedding aniversary. That too will be hard to face. What makes it even worse is that some friends of mine in Louisiana are getting married that day. I can't even work up enough strength to congradulate them. They have no idea what that day means to me so I doubt they will understand. It is just so hard to face all of these dates that should have been special days with Johnny. Even now well over a year the pain is as sharp as it was a year ago. I'm just not sure how to cope and not sure that I will ever know how. I have a job application to turn in today. It asks about training and school and of coarse what I was doing during the times that I was not working. How do you explain that you were trying to face a life alone? How do I tell them that my other off times was used raising a family and all that requires? These things make me feel so inadaquit as if just being a wife or home maker is nothing and time spent grieving has no place in the fob field. All I am applying for is a job of sales clerk. If I were eighteen instead of sixty I wouldn't need to answer those questions. I'm beginning to feel like the people that I cared for. As if once you reach a certain age you just don't count any more. I used the pharase emotoinally neglected when talking about Johnny. Now I feel like I am going into the same situation he was in. I feel emotionally neglected by both society and the ones that I love.. My family especially because they have no idea what I have been through this past two years. To them Johnny was just someone from my past that I ended up with after divorcing their dad.. Oh well I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself. Time to get up from here and do something before this day like so many others just slips away with me still setting here wondering how I will spend this day alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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