Searching - found former member -

[Guest bean_si (Not Active)]

I was searching on Copernic for info on PET scan lighting up.

I found one where a guy described results very similar to mine. I noticed he was posting on this board. Surprised, I clicked and came to a post by him in November 2003. I didn't recall seeing him & decided to check. I found that he died less than a month later.

Hit me like a ton of bricks.

[Elaine]

Cat,

May I ask who?

elaine

[-Cheryl-]

Bean,

Please do not compare yourself to others. I have seen people die on this board, staged far earlier than me. We are all unique. Praying for you!

Cheryl

[Guest bean_si (Not Active)]

Elaine, I sent you a PM. I don't want to post his name to board.

Earlier, I sent you the link to my PET/CT pictures and you gotta admit, I look like Christmas tree. I only posted 3 pictures, there are 6 more. I don't think anyone could doubt the lung tumor is still cancerous.

[niececola]

Hi Bean,

In a way, I know how you feel, I am always reviewing posts and comparing stories, to see who is similar to my mom and how they are making out. And Cheryl said it best, we are all unique and while things may seem the same on the surface, each person's LC can behave very differently.

When I was very depressed about my mom's condition (who am I kidding, I still am very depressed ), I thought I would eventually read some sad news about all of our friends here, but that is not how it has turned out. There are remarkable stories of courage and survivorship, inspiration and hope here. Maybe I live in denial, but when we lose a loved one here, I just remind myself over and over, there is still hope, every member who has gone before has put up such an admirable fight and fought back from very tough situations. And then I read posts from Dave Grant, Fay A., Don Wood, Ray, Ginny and all the other wonderful members here and see they are not giving up, and I am reminded all over again of the human spirit and the fight and hope in all of us.

Sorry for rambling on here, I just have some small sense of how you feel and I just wanted to try and make you feel a bit better.

Blessings,

Denise

[Elaine]

Cat,

There are just so many variables. Things beyond any human's knowledge. I beleive we will eventually know these things when we become part of all knowledge. And who knows when that will be. It could be a long time. Until then, I guess we can only live with the uncertainty. Funny thing is, we've always lived with the uncertainty. It's just we didn't know we had cancer, so things didn't seem uncertain. But they were.

There does seem to be something amiss in the lung. But I don't know what radiation pnemonia or fibrosis looks like on a pet, Cat. I know that sometimes I dont want to hear positive things from people because it makes me feel like my feelings aren't being validated. I even get angry about it. Like,"Hey, hush up! You don't have ANY idea what I am going through."

Sadly I feel this way sometimes, mostly to people who don't have cancer, if they spout some cliche. Even though I know that there is often no other words to say than what sounds like a cliche.

Sometimes, I just want to have what some call the "pity party"--but don't know of anyone to invite, so I just hope it is a short and uneventful party. Where no one gets hurt and no one has to call the police. I lived on an Indian Reservation in SD for the past five years. Some pretty gruesome parties, from what I hear, as nothing much to do when one is oppressed to that extent. They call them "house parties", so that is what I call my pity parties.

I actually ascribe to the "expect the worst and hope for the best" kind of thing, myself. So what am I doing even writing,

The hard part is that eveything I seem to want for me and for others is impossible, just shy of a miracle. I need to learn to give up wanting......

elaine

[Guest bean_si (Not Active)]

Elaine, my radiologist onc office just called and asked if I could be there tomorrow early. I said okay, did they know about my PET/CT scan . I'm sure they do - he's one of the head guys in the dept. However it was the medical onc that ordered the test.

??

I told her I didn't have official report yet but had CD. I told her it looked as though some cancer was still there.

She says be sure to bring CD in - it didn't matter if I had report - not to even bother picking up report at main hospital - she would have report faxed & doc want to see the images.

Running off now to get my dog some more toys for being me only love.

Talk later.

Cat

[Snowflake]

The hard part is that eveything I seem to want for me and for others is impossible, just shy of a miracle. I need to learn to give up wanting......

No way, Elaine....not for one single second. Miracles DO happen, even to those who expect the worst and pray for the best.

[Elaine]

Cat

Somehow, I missed this earlier. Great news that you are getting in tomorrow!

Becky,

I didn't mean the giving up wanting as a negative thing. SOmetimes, as humans, our wants are more like demands--or are selfish as in they don't take into consideration what IS or what must be. If we had our way, many would wish that there be no death, but that would defy the circle that is life, the process that is life, the lessons this life teaches. I want no suffering. But without suffering existing, how could there be joy? How could we know it as joy?

I truly do believe in miracles: Evidence: each minute there are births, each minute a human passes into the unknown where all knowledge exists.

I just don't want to go there now, for many reasons. One being that I don't feel worthy of it. I know so little, now. I feel I didn't see through my obligations.

The selfish reasons I don't want to go are many, too.

Also, I am human and I don't want to suffer nor do I want to cause suffering. Ironically, all suffering is because we are human. What a jumble soup philosophy is.