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Reluctantly Moving On


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I just want to write what is going through my head. With the loss of my mother on July 17 came the abrupt end to everything that my father, my sister and I had known for the past 9 months. Gone is the constant worrying about new symptoms, pain meds, doctors appts., scans, more chemo, hospice, medicare, the overwhelming grief of seeing your loved one in so much pain she cries. It is all over with. It doesnt fade, it is just gone. Everything you focused on for 9 months is over. I want her back, I am not done helping. I dont even believe for one minute she gave up. I think with her very last breath she still wanted to live. It is just a shame. She provided so much love, so much joy, and she is gone. One of the last fun times was at Easter when we drove to my sisters house. She cracked me up telling us she could touch her nose with her tongue. And prior to eating she raised my dads bottle of beer and took a big swig, said "give that to me Harry". Mom never drank much and certainly hadnt since starting treatments so was quite funny. So neat, such a doll. I miss her so much, I hope she knows. I took her pink roses yesterday. Pink Roses for a wonderful lady.

I love ya mom,


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It took me a while when Becky died to realize that I was less stressed. Mainly because I didn't see her hurting anymore. And I remember the first time somebody posted bad news about their cancer, that it had spread. It was the worst news they had, and I was jealous for it, because even bad news meant we were back in the battle. I had so much more fight in me, if it were fighting for her.

And now I am slowly morphing back into the tame and toothless tabby, the lovable (I hope) teddy bear. Wishing I was still fighting, but relieved I guess not to be.


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