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retiredandrewired

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I am new to the  forum and wish to introduce myself.  My name is Cynthia and I am a retired paralegal.  My 41 year old daughter was diagnosed with Stage IV Small Cell Lung Cancer in June 2017 and I now live with my daughter and two grandsons so I can help care for her.  Strangely enough, she continues to do all the cooking and 80% of all the household chores.  She refuses any kind of cancer treatment and will not keep her doctor appointments.  I am gravely concerned about her and beg her to slow down, especially when I know she is in excruciating pain.  The cancer has spread to the bones, brain, liver and adrenal glands.  She barely eats anything and continues to smoke justifying it by saying that quitting will not reverse the cancer diagnosis so she might as well do what she wants.    I would appreciate any suggestions you might have to help me cope with her destructive behavior.  I am at my wits end. 

 

I am sure that I posted this introduction in the wrong place but I could not find a New Member Forum.  

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Good morning, Cynthia.  I'm so sorry about your daughter's diagnosis but she is fortunate to have someone who can offer so much assistance.  I can't begin to imagine your daughter's mindset; I sought all available treatment options as soon as I could.  Maybe she's scared, overwhelmed or confused by her diagnosis.  Lung cancer isn't the death sentence that it used to be, but without speaking to medical professionals, she won't have the opportunity to hear that.

All that you can do is be there for her and your grandsons.  She'll have to make any decisions regarding her future.

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Thank you for your response Susan.  You are absolutely right about her being scared and confused.  I am scared for her, as well.  But, by choosing to be in denial, she isn't receiving possible benefits from treatment.  Also, by choosing to turn a blind eye to very serious disease, her family are all left in the dark as to the stage of cancer she is in.  Therefore, we do not know what to expect at any given moment.  I love my daughter and am here to help in any way that I can but she prevents me from doing so.  It is hard for me to watch what she is doing to herself by refusing treatment.   Early on, she mentioned she would never do chemotherapy because she would lose her hair.  I say that now is not the time to be vain.   

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Hello Cynthia and welcome. You're in a tough spot. I agree with what Susan says. I've had 3 unrelated cancers and have had treatment for each of them. For the one that was most advanced and aggressive (non-lung) I had extremely aggressive treatment. My hair fell out, of course, but it was only hair,I told myself, a small price to pay for my life. I can understand how your daughter wants to keep doing as much as she can--it probably helps her have a sense of  control. It's harder to understand her refusing treatment and doctor appointments.  But, as Susan said, she'll have to make her own decisions about this. It's good you're able to be there to support her and her sons. It must be heart-wrenchingly difficult for you. Hang in there and keep in touch with us.

Bridget O

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I'm so sorry to read about your daughter but I'm glad you found this wonderful community of people.  I agree that your daughter is in denial and the fear is taking over her rational thinking.  I don't have any advice on how to talk to her but please know that we all care and if you have questions or just want to vent please do so.  Please keep us updated (((hugs)))

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