MelanieLR

I want to thank all of you who took the time to read this & especially those of you who posted replies. I wasn't really certain it was a good idea to post this letter & after reading these responses, I feel so much better about it. Thanks for all of your encouragement. Hugs & prayers, Melanie

Dear Maryanne, Thanks for posting this. It did bring a lot of readers to my post. I never really realized how few people read that part of the message board. I appreciate all of the wonderful responses I got. I was a little bit hesitant about posting it & now I'm very happy I did. Hugs & prayers, Melanie

Dear Melanie (nice name), My prayers are with you. While I have not had brain surgery, I have had Gamma Knife Radiosurgery on 4 brain mets. One of them was encroaching on the brainstem & causing seisures. They told me that without treatment I would have 2 weeks. That was in the beginning of June of 04. I truly believe God has special plans for you. Hugs & prayers, Melanie

Dear Randi, I'm so sorry things have gotten to this point for you & your family. This is just the worst thing to go through. I've told my Husband that I wouldn't change places with him for all the money in the world. Having been on the his end of the disease with my Mother & Father, I can tell you this, I'd much rather be the one with the cancer than the loved one. It may or may not help but if you have a chance, read the letter I posted under Spirituality. I wrote it for my Husband in an attempt to help him understand my viewpoint & he asked me to share it with the people in this group. Please know that my prayers are with you & your entire family. Hugs & prayers, Melanie

1.) All the beautiful birds visiting my various feeders in the back yard. 2.) The chipmunks & squirrels who keep my cats entertained. 3.) My wonderful Hubbie who keeps the feeders full & puts nuts out for the chippies & squirrels. 4.) A good game of Scrabble with Hubbie last night (I don't win any more but it's still fun). 5.) Wendy's Frosties. Melanie

1.) The buds are beginning to appear on my Japaneese Laceleaf Maple tree. 2.) Hubbie put the fountain out in the back yard. 3.) I felt like walking around the yard (with my cane) to see what is coming up. 4.) My Hubbie is so paitent, he even suggested that we need to go to the nursery to pick out some new plants. He'll try anything to get me out of the house. 5.) My computer isn't crashing every 10 minutes!!! It's even better than I ever remember! No more pop-ups either. I think my Sister's Fiancee must have done some extra stuff to the old gal. Melanie

The following is a letter I wrote to my Husband. He asked me to share it with my family & with all of you here on this site. I had a hard time deciding where to post it & finally decided that this was where it belonged since it is more about my celebration of the beauty in life & where it leads you than anything else... I'm not afraid of being dead. I know the peace & beauty that awaits me. I'm not thrilled with the process of dying. Not just because of what I will be going through. I know what it will be doing to my husband. At least when I am gone, he can know I am at peace. While I am still here, he is going crazy every minute of every day. Wishing he could find a way to take away my pain. Wishing he could trade places with me. Being angry with God. I wish I could find the words to let him know that I'm O.K. with this. Yes, I wish I'd had more time during my life on earth that was happy & peaceful as it is now. For some odd reason, I couldn't reach this point until I learned I was dying. I never allowed myself to just sit back, relax & pay attention to the beauty in life instead of dwelling on the trials. Had I been able to choose my manner of death, I always said I would fall asleep one night & just not wake up. If that had happened, I would never have had this time to see how beautiful life could be if you just accept it. If nothing else, I hope my husband can get that from this experience. I doubt it though. Death is an experience that is felt so differently by the person going through it as opposed to their loved ones. The person who is dying finds peace. The loved ones find anything but peace. Especially when the person dying is young. I wish I could pass this peace out to all of my loved ones. I also wish it didn't take my impending death for me to find it. I don't know if it's like this for everyone. I know it was for my Mom. When she passed, I remember thinking how she was finally at peace & that all of us sitting here crying weren't crying for her. We were just having our own pity party because we would miss her. She was in a more beautiful place than exists here on earth. She has more peace & happiness than is possible on earth. I'm going home soon. I feel so bad for the sorrow of those I will leave behind. I wish I could turn their tears into joy. I can't. I just want them to know that I'm going to be doing better than I ever did on earth. I will always be with them. One day each of them will join me & then they will understand. All my Love & Prayers, Melanie

1.) My soon to be Brother in Law who was able to fix my computer! While I was out on my hall pass, my computer caught a nasty virus. 2.) My Sister who knows how important this site is to me & pleaded with her fiancee to put my computer repair on the front burner. 3.) My Hubbie. Just for being such a support when I know how hard this is on him. 4.) My Cousin who came to visit yesterday. She read a letter I wrote for my Hubbie & wanted to know if she could have a copy for her pastor. Within a couple of days I hope to have it posted on this site. Not sure yet where to post it. 5.) My wonderful Mother (passed 9/8/03 LC) who taught me the importance of a well written thought. Melanie

1.) That I feel up to posting today. 2.) That so many of you are continuing to do your daily 5's. 3.) I should get the reports from my scans today (yes, I'll make sure it gets posted). 4.) All my little yellow crocus are up - did any of you notice that the yellow ones always bloom first? 5.) That I'm of clear enough mind to notice little things like the crocus. Melanie

1.) My Bro in Law who came over for Easter dinner. 2.) My Hubbie who is cooking our Easter dinner. 3.) Beautiful birds on my feeder - can't find them in reference book so I don't know what kind they are. 4.) My hair is getting softer. 5.) My beautiful Grandmother - 89 years young. Melanie

1.) Crocus are coming up. 2.) Surprise visit from cousin, she has offered to help my hubbie out with my care. How sweet of her. He so needs a break now & then. 3.) Salmon & asparigus with hollandaise sauce (Hubbie is such a good cook). 4.) The beautiful paint job Hubbie just finished in the hallways & the Kitchen island. 5.) Feeling up to posting my 5's! Still having some difficulty but I did it! Melanie

1.) Moments of mental clairity. 2.) A "Happy Thought". 3.) My cousins baby is healthy. 4.) The cycle of life continues. 5.) Tira Mi Sue (Sp???) Melanie

Hi all, For whatever reason, the circuits in my brain are working close to normal right now (I'll take all I can get right now!) so I thought I'd give you a little up-date. Can't get in to see the Onc. till Mon. I'm sure he'll schedule scans. I'll pop in if possible to let you know how that goes. Ry has my phone # so if I'm not able to do the 'puter, she can get in touch with me or Greg. Thanks for all your prayers. My Cousin's baby was born healthy. God was watching over him. Had he not gone into distress, he may have been stilborn due to a knot in his cord. Greg is scheduled one day next week for his colonoscopy. I can't remember when but I better call my aunt to ask her to make sure he goes for it. He's so freaking stubborn! Cindy, I got the happy thought finished. It's not as nice as what I normally do because of my mental lapse but I think it will do. Sending Hubby to mail it today. I think that about covers the biggies. Thinking of you all even when I can't get on line. Hugs & prayers, Melanie

Hi Everyone, Just wanted to let you all know that I just got a call from my aunt. My cousin is going to be having a c-section today. The baby is breech & in distress. He's going to be a little early. Anyone who will, please send up a prayer that all goes well & that the baby will be ok. Thanks to all, Hugs & prayers, Melanie

1.) Happy birthday to my loving husband, Greg! Thank you so much for being born! 2.) That we had a helping hand with the taxes. I've always done them myself but this year is so unique I needed help. Thanks Joe! 3.) A sweet memory of my wedding day given to me by a glance at the crystal my cousin gave us as a wedding gift. 4.) Soft, warm & cuddley slippers on my steriod bloated boat feet. 5.) The beautiful picture hanging in my dining room that my sister gave me of a monarch butterfly. Melanie P.S. You know, you can all join in. This is a lot easier than you may think & it really does help kick start your morning to just think of 5 small things you have to be thankful for. Just 5 little happy thoughts - thats all. You'll be amazed at how often they will make you smile through the day. When life starts coming at you, simply pull one of them out & play with it!

Hi Bill, I just feel so helpless right now. I wish I could be of help but I have absolutely zero knowledge or experience on this subject. I guess all I can really do is let you know that my prayers are with both you & your wife. I hope there is someone out there who can give you your answers. Hugs & prayers, Melanie

Dear Uncle Doug, I just knew when I saw the comment on the emot-icons in your posting what you were in for (you just have to love Cindi-o'h)! Thanks to both of you! What a great laugh! Hugs & prayers, Melanie

Great News Bill! Thanks for the up-date, Hugs & Prayers, Melanie

Oh Pam, I'm so sorry. I've not had experience with a hip replacement during treatment. I have however had a Dorsal Column Stimulator Implant to help control the pain of multiple herniated discs in my spine. Healing was a little slower & we had to be extra vigilant in watching for signs of infection while healing from the surgery. Other than that, I guess all went fairly well. Just want you to know that you & your family are in my prayers, Melanie

Dear Uncle Doug, Hi & welcome. We all know you wish like heck you didn't need to be here but I guarantee, you'll be glad you found us. The biggie is attitude. Right now is the worst hurdle. Once you have a plan of attack set up with your doctor, then you can start working on the really important stuff like living & enjoying it. Believe it or not, right now (most of the time anyway) I'm enjoying my life more than I ever have. For the first time in my life, I've learned that there is a ton of joy to be had & all you have to do is to let it in. I know that it's a bit early for you to do that yet but the sooner you can, the better off you'll be. When you finally get it that life itself is terminal, then you can get on with the process of living whatever time there is to the best of your ability & to it's fullest. Just want you to know that you'll be in my prayers. Take care, Melanie

Hi Tami, Unfortunately, I had all my mets before I was ever dx with cancer. They just kept telling me I was fine for 3 years & sent me home with antidepressants. So, I really am not a lot of help here. I do know one thing. I was having pain where the liver is (and a lovely shade of yellow) & I was having the worst kind of digestive problems. I simply don't (& didn't) have - sorry to be so blunt but - any bowel movements without taking a laxative. GO HAVE YOURSELF SCANNED!! Take care & I'll be praying for you sweetie, Melanie

1.) The love I see in my husband's eyes. 2.) God's great blessing of inner peace & calm. 3.) The Winchester Mystery House. 4.) Oatmeal cookies. 5.) Winnie The Pooh. I know, its a strange combination but for some odd reason, it works for me today. Melanie

Welcome to the place where nobody really wants to be but are always glad they found. I'm so sorry you need to be here. I think one thing that may help is to concentrate on getting through the angioplasty first. By the time the doctors have taken care of that problem, then they can concentrate on a plan of attack for the cancer issue. It always seems to come in bundles, doesn't it? It would be nice to be able to concentrate on one issue at a time. I just want you to know that you'll both be in my prayers. Just take a deep breath & try to find a calming thought. Hugs & prayers, Melanie

I want to thank everyone who has responded to my cry for help. I also want you to know that I feel so much more calm thanks to all of you - & God. Somehow, just when I need Him the most, He really has been coming through for me. When I wrote that post, I wouldn't have believed it if you told me that right this moment I would somehow be filled with inner peace & calm but that is exactly what has happened. Don't know how to explain it or understand where it's coming from but I'm sure glad it's there. Just do me a big favor. Keep those prayers a comin'. May God bless you all as he's blessed me. Melanie

Hi all, I've been after Greg to get to the Dr. for some time because he's had substantial amounts of blood in his stool. Well, he finally made an appointment, kept it & went for all the appropriate blood tests. This afternoon, he received a call from the Dr.'s office informing him that within 1 week his PSA went from 3.5 to 8. I'm really loosing it. He's been acting "off" for some time now, all of which just can't be attributed to the stress of caring for me. Kind like that insane argument we had the day I had my strange little "crisis". As a matter of fact, my sister commented on how oddly he was acting when she visited yesterday. At several points, we would be talking about somethins & suddenly, Greg would be in the middle of a conversation about something totally unrelated. We couldn't figure out where the heck this was coming from. I mean, I understand going off on a tangent but this was really different. As if it were not only what we had been talking about the whole time but as if it made total sense, which it didn't. Now, with my brain tumors, far be it from me to act as if everything I say & do makes total sense all the time right now, but this was so much more than that. He is supposed to schedule some tests in the morning. I am so insane with worry right now, I really think I just might lose it here. I just ask you all to throw lots of prayers around Hugs to all, Melanie