janetg

One year ago today Ron's departure seemed sudden even though he had fought a valiant fight for 21 months. Christmas was his very favorite time of year - his excitement could challenge that of any child receiving his or her most favorite toy. We have all found it so ironic that the final farewell would take place in a towering, cheerfully decorated, church on Christmas Eve with "Silent Night" being sung so hauntingly and beautifully as we honored his memory. He loved life, he loved laughter, he loved his family, he loved music. As I prepare to visit his place of rest this morning, I think of the epitaph that adorns his grave marker - "The Song Has Ended, But The Melody Lives On." You brought us such beautiful music and memories that we hold dear in our hearts. Thank you, my love, for allowing me to walk with you until the "Journey's End." Janet

I can honestly say that I experienced a great deal of "numbness" when I lost my mom in August of 2005, dad in November 2005 and Ron in December 2005. I arranged funerals, worked fulltime during the months following, went on various trips and functioned well to the surprise of many. It was May when I felt such a deep sadness at the all of the losses. I am continuing to do well but today has just been a super sad day. Memories as I near dad's 1 year anniversary and Ron's 1 year anniversary especially when I see (ugh!!) Christmas decorations in the department stores cause a great deal of pain. It's all normal but the reality of it all makes it even tougher now. It's amazing the strength we have to get us through though. Thoughts and blessings to you. Your mom sounded like such a wonderful person. Take care, Janet

Hi there, For those of you who so kindly gave me a lift - the flower idea was born because I have met a lady who does Reike (sp?), reads tarot cards, does swedish massage and total energy bodywork. I have had her come in every 5 to 6 weeks for mainly the wonderful stress relieving massage. Everytime she would come I would ask if anyone was around - meaning mom or dad (this was their house for 60 years) or Ron. Each time she would say "no" until one evening she suggested that she would like to do Reike, not a massage. Following our session, she told me the reason she chose not to do a massage was that she felt Ron's presence a couple weeks before that and that he actually told her to tell me he was ok, that he loved me and that I would be fine. She said that he said I was doing "really well". He said that to my friends after mom died and again after dad died with respect to my holding it together. She couldn't have known that that was the phrase he used. The night she told me Ron was here - she recounted the details of his presence. I had fallen asleep while she touched my head, neck, hips and feet. I awoke at one point and thought - she's touching my head again. However, I realized that she had her hands placed on my hips. After the one hour session she told me that Ron had come into the room and touched my head. With that the tears began to flow. She said he then proceeded around the massage bed and looked at me. He turned to her and said "doesn't she look like sleeping beauty?". She said that we touched our palms together and then I began to ask him over and over if he was ok. She said he started to laugh and said he's fine. He told me that someone with a name like "Ned" was with him. Ironically, his cousin Ron Zed, who was his best friend passed away 10 years ago. Pretty close, eh? She then said that Ron put sweet peas and pansies in my hand, told me again that he loved me and that I was going to be ok. When I went in on a website to see if there was any significance of these flowers I found the relationship to the birth month of April and the thanks for the memories meaning. I was blown away. That's when I decided that I needed to put that garden in. I've never gardened in my life. We have his special spot adorned with the pansies and sweet peas and a beautiful garden Angel (which he cousin surprised me with on my birthday) is perched above his flowers. Many do not believe in these connections and that's ok. But I do believe that there is more beyond this life than death. I often think of how fearful we are to die but take comfort in knowing that if we were aware of what is beyond this life we would not be afraid at all to get there. Sorry for all of the rambling but that's the story. Eery, maybe or maybe not. Take care, Janet

Hi everyone, I've been here numerous times over the last six months smiling when there was good news and saddened so deeply when there was not. There have been so many emotions consuming me but the one that saddens me most is that Ron was robbed of living the life he so badly fought for. With summer here, it really has me thinking of how excited he would have been to have another season in his boat. I almost feel guilty that my life continues while his did not. I am so sad for his mom who feels the extreme loss of her son. We buried Ron's ashes in late April which brought us all back to the horrible memories of that day. I try to take solace in the fact that his suffering is over but I still feel angry. Seeing my mom and dad's headstone and Ron's for the first time was so unbelievable. It's hard to fathom at times that they're all gone - I've been lost without having anyone to take care of. I wonder how I kept my feet on the ground as each of them left this earth. But, I did get through it and that makes me feel good at times. I am in the process of putting a small garden in my backyard and have designated an area for Ron. Pansies, which mean thanks for the memories and Sweet Peas, which are the flowers for April (Ron's birth month) and mean thinking of you will adorn "his place." Friends honored me on my birthday by giving me flowers from their garden. It is a beautiful tribute to both of us. So as I gaze out over my new garden I have feelings of sadness and feelings of joy. I think of all of you often and continue to send prayers and positive thoughts for victory during this journey. Blessings to all, Janet

I hear ya. I'm dreading going to the graveyard today - although I need to place pink flowers on mom's grave. It'll be the first time to visit mom's grave and dad's grave. Ron is not far from them. I don't have children so I don't what you're feeling today. You're so early on in this gross journey. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Janet

I recently arrived home after a night on the town with some friends. I have mixed emotions, to say the least. Getting out sure beat looking at four walls but I'm feeling sadder than sad and have been retrieving a flood of tears before they hit the tissue. I ran in to some acqaintances whom I haven't seen since Ron's passing. It was comforting to some degree but at the end of the night I was a basket case. You see it was Ron's band that was playing - the one he helped form 26 years ago and the band he gave his heart and soul to as the "Animal" on the skins. The only original member, who turns 60 in May, talked about the three originals, one who spread his wings to form another band and Ron who has gone up above. I was overwhelmed with grief for my best friend and the love of my life. I even got up to sing as they played one of Ron's signature tunes even though a vocalist I am not. My God, I can't believe how sad I am. As much as I appreciate our ten years, I want more. I feel robbed and cheated for not having had more time. I now have a vague memory of the illness - I frequently retreat to thoughts of laughter, passion and of being in a place where I wanted to be. That is good, I know. I don't and will never regret my perservance since our journey began March 2004. I have been truly blessed to have had a love and a life that some will never experience in a lifetime. With that being said, I pray that those of you who battle this dreaded disease or those who support a loved one who has embarked on this journey will continue to fight and ultimately win the war. As I said in a private post to Ann sometime ago - I hate to see new members, I hate to see old members lose their battle, I love to see members continue to beat the odds. The war will be won I'm certain. Prayers go from my heart to all of you who continue the fight. I'm sorry to have taken up so much white space but it was the only thing that stopped my tears. Kudos to all of you. I rejoice for each and every one who gets one more day. Thanks Janet

It has been little more than 3 weeks since I lost Ron and the grief I feel consumes me and and my sense of loss overwhelms me. I do have moments when I think of all of the wonderful times we had together and that does bring a smile to my face even if only for a few brief moments. My rational being tells me that those times will be what I remember most someday and the memories of our struggles will begin to fade. I am beginning to function with some degree of normalcy with the demands of work and life's other demands and for that I'm proud. You have passed on to me the strength that you possessed during your journey. Ron and I got together later than many. We came out of unsuccessful marriages and early on found a passion that I'd never known. That bond gave us so much happiness over such a short time. Even if I had known what was ahead I would not have done things differently. You were definitely my soulmate. I had made a promise to Ron 10 years ago that I was in this for the long term. With the difference in our age (8 years) I felt that I would most likely be the one in this relationship who would be in the caregiver's position as we grew older. Even at that we both were afraid of committment after having gone through failed marriages. I spent several years convincing Ron that he would not fear my leaving him. Because of his ties to the muscial genre the words to many songs conveyed my feeling toward him and my goals for our relationship. At times he wondered if I would truly stick to my word. The most appropriate song to show Ron that he was "The One" was Taylor Dayne's Upon The Journey's End. I was able to convince him that I would be true to him and would support him for the rest of our lives. I really didn't factor in the fact I would lose him at the early age of 55. I didn't foresee being only 47 when I had to face that loss. However, as I read the lyrics of Upon the Journey's End at 1:30 in the morning, I realize that they mean even more now than they did some 10 years ago. Ron, I know that you're watching over all of us here who grieve so and I want you to know how proud I am to have had you in my life and thank God for allowing us such wonderful times. I ask that you continue to watch carefully over your mom as she grieves such a tremendous loss. I ask that you continue to watch carefully over all of the supporters of this wonderful site and send blessings for healing and control of this dreaded disease. May the strength that you possessed make its way into all who have entered or are yet to enter into this journey. I thank God for leading me to this site and thank this site with all my heart for allowing me to put on to paper what I'm feeling right now. I needed to babble and on occasion when I would babble you would make me laugh as you described me as a babbling brook. It was only meant in fun and your ability to makes things fun was second to none. I love you and miss you with all of my heart, I will see you soon. Janet

Beth, The torture you've endured is much too much. Your strength at 5 weeks is incredible. It's 3 weeks today for me and I wonder if I'll ever crawl out of the hole. I believe that he was entering heaven when he spoke of taking care of Brian and his family members. It really reminded of the book that I've picked up called 90 Minutes in Heaven. It was a suggested read by someone on this site - Heaven is supposed to be a beautiful, wonderful place according to the author. He didn't want to come back but he did after being pronounced dead at the scene of a horrible accident. I remember Matty who appeared on Oprah Winfrey who had gone to heaven and when he was brought back he was upset to have had to come back. I have to believe that our loved ones are in a better place. Love and healing to you. I hope to follow in your footsteps one step at a time. Janet

Hi, I would truly be honored if you would take a moment to read a wonderful message about Ron which has been posted by the stepdaughter of Ron's bass player, Dave. She is a talented local artist - She wrote a lovely note in her journal that touched me very deeply. It describes Ron so well. Laura's website is lamooredesigns.com Those of us who have had to make this journey as survivors or caregivers will get a boost from this, I believe. Ron was with us for 21 months - many months longer than those in the medical profession would have thought. He didn't lose hope - that's what kept him here and allowed him to accomplish so many things and to personally grow. I continue to pray for all who have entered the fight. Don't Stop Playing. Janet

Hi, I read with heartache your posting. The suggestions given are excellent. The times that I couldn't sleep,had bouts of crying and thought that I wasn't able to keep this up I turned to the occasional Ativan. It did provide with me a good sleep which allowed me to face the next day. I lost my mom on Aug. 25, my dad on Nov. 7 and Ron on Dec. 22. I was able to function after mom's death because I had dad and Ron to look after. Following dad's death I still did ok because I had Ron. Now I feel like I have no one. People keep telling me to call them if I need a shoulder or help of any kind. However, I've been refraining from doing that because I feel like I'm a burden and that they don't need me bringing them down. The 21 month support I provided Ron has taken its toll. I am in the process of seeking assistance and hope to secure a great social worker here who specializes in grief counselling. I think that a good professional and something mild to aid with sleep will help. And, of course, the benefit of the support here is immeasurable. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. Janet

Ronald Peter Joseph, 55, passed away suddenly in the company of his loving family on December 22, 2005. Ron was the youngest child of Mildred (Jones)and the late George Joseph. Ron is also survived by his loving partner Janet (Gallivan), sister Charlene (Larry), brother Wayne, only son Ronnie (Kelly)his treasured grandchildren, Chelsie and Morgan and his special friend, Rene White, who was like a son. Ron was a well known local musician. He was a drummer for over 30 years, playing with several local bands, including Spyder and Integration. He most recently sang and played guitar with his own band, Encore. Ron played his final gig on December 17 in Inverness, a tribute to his close friend, the late Rannie MacLellan. A celebration of Ron's life will take place at Holy Redeemer Church on Saturday, December 24 at 10:00 am with Reverend Errol MacDonald officiating. Burial will take place in Resurrection Cemetery. My beloved Ron suffered a massive coronary on the stairs of our home on Thursday morning. He was on his way to the cancer centre to have radiation for a newly diagnosed pelvic tumour. He had had fluid removed from his abdomen and right lung on Tuesday. He had spent most of the previous weekend at the emergency department because of testing that had to be completed to rule out a blod clot. He was released on Saturday the 17th so that he could travel 2 hours to do the 3rd annual tribute for his friend. His bandmates took great care of him, they set up a chair for him, had bottles of spring water at his finger tips, strapped his guitar on enabling him to sing two one hour sets. He was really fatigued but he did do it. On Sunday, the 18th a group of our friends came to decorate the Christmas tree that Ron had picked out earlier in the week. He enjoyed that evening. He loved Christmas and was so looking forward to it. I was looking forward to it too, for his sake, even though I was spending my first Christmas without mom and dad. I lost them on August 25 and November 7 respectively. On Thursday morning he had his breakfast and pre-radiation Zofran and got dressed to go. He did note that he was having a slight pain in the chest. Within ten minutes he was having difficulty getting his breath and we called an ambulance. He was coherent and did talk to me but by the time the ambulance arrived (5 minutes) he was not responding. He was pronounced dead in the ambulance just minutes from our home. I cannot describe the emptiness I feel. My brother and sister in law talked me into coming to their home (5 hours from Sydney) so we left on Christmas day and I'm now in Halifax for a few days. My boss will be packing the Christmas decorations away while I'm gone so that I don't have to face it when I return. My friends and family are super supportive and are doing everything in their power to help me in this time of shock and sorrow. Ron lived for 21 months since diagnosis. He had a good many months of quality time. I am grateful for that. I'm happy that Ron (for his sake) was taken quickly. There was beautiful celebration of his life. At the time of the committal the Priest asked the choir to sing Silent Night, Holy Night instead of doing farewell prayers. He asked all of the congregation to join in and most did. It was so fitting. For all of you who offered kind words and encouragement and gave us quite a few "chuckles", THANK YOU. Don't Stop Fighting. Don't Stop Playing. Janet

Hi, Ron's was put through riggers again over the past five days. A tumour showed up in the pelvis last week that sent him into radiation on Friday. He also saw his onc. and respirologist who comfirmed fluid again on the right lung and in the abdomen. 2000ccs of fluid was drained from the abdomen (not nearly enough) by a GP on Monday. Yesterday, the interventional radiologist removed 3000 ccs from the abdomen and 2000ccs from the lung. He had a much better night last night with finally being able to breathe and sleep. He actually was able to eat too. With all the fluid in his body he just goodn't eat and his shoulders, arms and legs show it. I'm trying to get lots of protein in to help build up some muscle. He's had a tough ride but he's so strong - he got sprung from the hospital on Saturday (they were checking for a blood clot in the lung) to travel to a "gig" two hours from here. His bass player and lead guitar player lifted him up on stage, sat him in a chair and strapped his guitar on. He sang most of the night, although he feels that he did not give it his best. He did all that with a ton of fluid is his body - no one can believe he was able to pull it off. We're calling him Rocky. Ron loves Christmas so much - we're hoping we can keep him feeling well to enjoy the holidays. His doctors have been doing everything in their power to help. We are so lucky for this team. We'd like to say a big thank you to everyone who supports and gives advice to us during this journey. We are 21 months since diagnosis and Ron is still not ready to give up. The stories of strength, courage and longevity really help to keep us positive. Merry Christmas to All. Janet

Beth, I'm so sorry to read of Bill's passing. Both of you were so kind to me when I initially visited this website. I felt so welcomed by the two of you. May Bill rest in peace. My prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time. Janet

What a lift to read of some "GOOD NEWS". Congratulations and have a wonderful Christmas - I better get my supply of Bud Light now before you exhaust the inventory! Janet

Our prayers are with Bill and Beth. Thank you for letting us know - this is so difficult. My heart aches for all who experience this journey. Janet

Here's to hoping that today is a much, much better day for you. You deserve to have a reprieve. Hang in there. Janet

Hi, I was in touch with my brother on the weekend - who just happens to be a district sales manager for Roche pharmaceuticals in Canada. One of his reps works in the oncology division and is a real close friend of Ron's original oncologist. I knew that the rep continues to be in touch with that oncologist so I asked my brother to see if there was any way to get the word out to get his opinion. Contact was made yesterday and Dr. MacCormick is going to contact the cancer centre here (hopefully today) to speak with the guy who's taken his place for the year. They're gonna talk Tarceva - the rep is going to start the process of trying to get the drug through a compassionate program. Thank God that my brother works for Roche, thank God that the guy we highly respect has agreed to get involved (Ron originally knew the oncologist because he is his furnace man) and thank God that Tarceva is now available in Canada. We realize that this may not change the progression of things BUT at least it looks like Ron will be, at least, offered drug therapy. He was so happy to receive the call from my brother yesterday - he was on the brink of tears and remarked that maybe this was going to be his Christmas present. Ron's spirits improved so much on the weekend as he has started to regain his strength and is ready to go back into the fight. Thanks for all of the support and well wishes. I can't tell you how much it means. Janet

We went in for today's visit with much anxiety but with clearer heads. The onc. reported that the newest (Tuesday) bloodwork was very good! He stated that his concern was related to an elevation of "creatinine" of the kidneys that showed up on the previous blood work. It's now normal. The xray of the right hip showed no metastasis. What he did see was what appears to be arthritis in the lower spine which he says can account for the pain in the hip. He is ordering a bone scan though. The onc. could also see that Ron's overall physical strength was improved since his visit on Monday. The 6 mg of decradon may be responsible for that but we don't care - he's feeling better. Yesterday, Ron finally was "hungry" and did enjoy eating. That, too, could be due to the decradon. My feeling is that the onc. has just taken over Ron's file so he hasn't been around long enough to know "Ron". He is correct in saying that the chemo didn't work but I think he really based his conversation on seeing Ron in a weakened state and assumed that he was gradually deteriorating. He explained Ron's cancer in detail today in such a way that really helped us understand what is happening. An actual tumour in the lung has never been visualized - it is located in the pleura. Malignant pleural effusion gave us the diagnosis of adenocarcinoma. He advised us that Ron's cancer is flowing through his bloodstream and that the cancer cells are appearing in the pleura of the lung, the pericardium and in the sac that holds are organs in the abdomen in place. He said that if they opened Ron up there would most likely be many little white dots that look like baking powder. This dots are clumps of cancer cells. He said that Ron's cancer, while not unique, is not what is commonly seen. For the present, excess fluid can be removed to relieve symptoms. The hope is that the fluid, once drained, does not build up too quickly. We didn't ask today if he would allow Ron to try another chemo. However, Ron is scheduled back in to see him in two weeks - blood work and the bone scan are being arranged. We will approach the subject of Avastin, Tarceva at that time. Tarceva has been recently released in Canada - Ron doesn't have coverage so we're hoping that he may be considered for a compassionate program through Roche pharmaceuticals if he would be considered to be a candidate. The news today wasn't bad. We know that the cancer is there - we think it's ok to have some time to regroup and get some strength back. I'm going to attempt to get word to Ron's former oncologist on the latest developments to see what he might suggest. We have time to investigate and that we will do. I don't know of anyone who has had a similar situation. Perhaps some of you do. I appreciate all of the prayers - I believe in the power of prayer. I'm feeling a little more in control today. But what's for certain, we are taking control - we're going to pursue all avenues to ensure that we exhaust all possibilities for options. Today's visit gave us a boost and we're going to run with it. Thanks for the suggestions. I'll definitely continue the research. Janet

To answer some of the questions posed - Ron's original oncologist is on sabbatical for a year - he doesn't return to the cancer clinic until September. He is fabulous. I'm assuming that the doctor is saying no to chemo because of the "abdominal fluid" - that that is a sign of a too advanced condition. That in addition to Ron's present "quality of life" issues - we're not making you feel better - even after 2 months of no chemo - he's still hasn't regained a lot of strength. Based on the answers we get tomorrow, I'll ask about Tarceva and Navelbine. When Ron had a reoccurance of first pleural effusion in August (while on Taxotere) the onc. gave Ron the option of going to Navelbine or staying with Taxotere. The onc.'s feeling was that he should continue with the taxotere and if pleural effusion happened again that he would switch to Navelbine. There was another occurance 3 months later. However, this new oncologist gave month 4 weeks off to see if he'd build up some strength, then reassess. Within that 4 week time frame the abdominal fluid became the problem. That's when everything changed. Ron is a little stronger this afternoon - appears to have been able to eat without having to force the food in and actually feels like he has an appetite. It may be the decadron though that's giving him the boost - He's on 2 mg three times a day - the dosage in small because Ron's diabetic so the onc. doesn't want to send his sugar counts through the roof. Thanks for the input. Thanks for the prayers. We appreciate it. Janet

I'm looking for some thoughts and help following our latest onc. visit. Prior to the visit on Monday Ron had 8000ccs of fluid removed from his abdomen. He's not been eating well, feels weak and is complaining of an intermittent pain in his right hip. From Ron's description of his symptoms the onc. says that he believes that all of his difficulties are resulting from cancer. He stated that chemo is no longer an option and that he would just try to keep Ron comfortable. He prescribed decadron to help with energy and appetite. Bloodwork and an xray of the right hip was completed on Tuesday. We are seeing the doc tomorrow to get the results. We've been broadsided with the that trying another chemo is not being offered. We always had that to hold on to. I have a problem with the fact that he was giving Ron such a poor prognosis before having the testing done. Ron is definitely too weak to start another regime of chemo right now but isn't there something we can look at later? This onc. is not Ron's original onc. so I just have question after question. I think that we'll have a little more control over ourselves tomorrow to try to ask the questions but it appears that this abdominal fluid condition has changed everything. Ron did have abdominal fluid 20 months ago too when he had the pleural effusion. It went during chemotherapy treatments. He did have a pleural effusion of the right lung again one month ago. My thoughts are disjointed and disorganzied but maybe some of you can shed some light on this. I see over and over again that many of you on this site have oncologists who keep pushing to try new treatments, etc. Your advice and thoughts will help us to ask the pertinent questions. Thank you. Janet

Hello to all, Ron finished 7 of 10 planned taxotere treatments and decided to take a break because it was really tiring him out. A catscan completed on Sept. 16 showed stability. However, on Oct. 28 pleural effusion again reared its ugly head. He had it drained 3 months to the day since the last occurrence. He's now experiencing "bloating" and generally isn't regaining the strength he hoped he would after taking the break from chemo. I'm so afraid that there's ascites in the abdomen. That was our signal before that something was wrong. An emerg MD told him that there didn't appear to be any ascites on Saturday but he's not seen the bloating diminish. He's scheduled to see his oncologist on the 28th but I suggested that he should contact him to get in for any earlier evaluation. I've been off work for the last week - am trying to get myself back on track after losing my dad one week ago today to very advanced metastatic liver cancer. He was diagnosed on Nov. 3 and died on Nov. 7 the date that he married mom 61 years ago. She passed away on August 25. Life has been so difficult since March when dad entered hospital and ended up going to a nursing home and then losing mom and trying to be strong for Ron since his reoccurence in April. 2005 has been quite a year. I'm really glad it's almost over. If anyone has any information to offer on pleural effusion I'd love to hear it. I'm really getting scared since he's building up fluid every 3 months. He had twelve months between the first and second. Prayers for strength and courage would be appreciated. Janet

You're both in our thoughts and prayers. We'll be thinking of you all weekend. Take care and try to enjoy the next two days as much as you can. Janet

Great to hear that things are improving and that you were able to go out and celebrate. Janet

Hi Don, My mother developed mouth sores when taking Gemzar. She was prescribed magic mouthwash and nystatin. Hope Lucie's feeling better soon. Janet

Always love to read of good news. Congratulations! Janet