renee

I just feel like I am giving up.... that I shouldn't quit so soon. I keep thinking as soon as they get her in there she will die and it will be to late. I am so ashamed of myself right now. I wish that I was stronger.

I also agree with Don on this one. We begged for a second opinion. I agreed with her doctors at first, but after being here and hearing all of things that are out there. I wanted to try something new and her doctor didn't really go out on a limb. I didn't think of that until it was to late. If we had gone for a second opinion..... who knows what would have happend? Good luck to ya. and hang in there. Renee

DITTO for me to don!!!! Renee

I am so ashamed of myself that I have a hard time writing today. The Hospice nurses seem to think that mom has mets in the brain. Mom has been out of control about 80% of the time. They tell me that she will just get worse. So, I have decided to send her to a rest home. I had to send my kids away because she is violent at times and they have seen her try to bust out my windows and they don't need more of it. Hospice quit the continuose care. They just come in once a week now and I can't do this alone. I stay up all night with her and my boyfriend was in a motorcycle accident saturday and is in ICU. He had 7 hours of surgery to his face on saturday night. So I go and see him when I can. He understands that I have mom to take care of, but the nurses at the ICU say he yells for me all the time. The visiting hours are limited in there, but the doctor put an order that I can visit when ever I get there. It calms Tommy down for me to be there and the nurses can't handle him if I don't. He gets very aggitated. Mom is so close to going and so far away at the same time. I feel like a monster most of the time now. I beg people to come and sit for an hour so I can go to the hospital and get away from her. She says that I am trying to kill her and that I have her strapped down. She will try to get people to take her out of here. So that's what's going on. I have given up, I can't do it anymore. Pray that god will forgive me. I'm sorry mommy. Renee

Mirrell.... I can't believe that it has been six months.... my heavens it seems like just yesterday that I read the post that you were going home. If it seems like yesterday to me then I know it must seem that way to you also. I remember crying when I read it and wished that I could say something to make you feel better. Now here you are, trying to make me and others feel better. We sure do seem to know each other on here. I've been here for almost 7 months now. What a wonderful place this is. And thank you for staying around with us. Renee

Well, it seems that I am finaly getting some help with mom. Hospice has set up a sitter in the morning and they will be bringing in the nurses for continous care. They will stay around the clock for 3 days. Then they will have to leave unless mom's condition changes. They have given her a week to live. I think they saw that I am having a nervous break down...... still no family around to help... thank goodness for hospice. Has anyone ever noticed that on most tv shows, they have some reference to death? It never fails that I will put on a show for mom and me to watch and all of a sudden, either someone dies or they talk about death. Never noticed that before. She doesn't really watch tv, it's just that I know she can hear it. She will repeat something they have said every once and awhile. She was saying "yo" from that check card comercial the other day. That was kind of cool, I never thought I would here my mother say "YO". I am in a fog right now. I just re-read my message and it doesn't make a lot of sence and I can't spell every other word. Sorry for the non sence and I didn't really have anything to say. Just wanted to say something so that I wouldn't feel so alone tonight. It is 5:15 EST. I will go sit at the chat room at 7:00 if someone would like to talk, about anything.... anything at all!!!! thanks

Carleen, As I read your post I laughed...not at you, but at your words and feelings. I think there is a post on here somewere with the same words from ME. I hate this damned disease!!! I have said the same thing so many times. I felt so bad for you, until I heard about your wonderful husband. Now I'm just jealous, he sounds amazing and you are right, you are so lucky to have that relationship. I am 31 years old and I have never felt that way. I have been married twice already and never did I feel that way about any man. By the way, the picture, I assume that is you and your hubby.... all I can say is "hubba hubba".... That is one good looking man. I'm laughing at my post now...lol.... I don't know if all of what I said could have possibly helped you ... sorry...lol... you are a lucky woman. Enjoy!!!! All will be well. I can't imagine God sending you such a wonderful , hunk, for just 9 short years. There are a lot of people who go through this and LIVE. Ohhh... and GET OUT OF THAT FUNK!!! lol.. just kidding. thanks for supporting me, if I can laugh at a time like this, well damnit.... so can you.....

Thanks so much.... I don't know how to pay for or plan a funeral. Mom doesn't have any insurance and I am so broke, I picked up my kids change from the bedroom floor today..lol... Its sad but true. It dawned on me that I have to PAY to have the grave dug!!! Thank heavens we have a family cemetery so I don't have to buy that. It's just getting her into it that is the hard part. I have the preacher and Police escort, I also have the Paul berrors (sp?). They know that they must were coats. I don't have anyone that will be here at home with me to recieve everyone. I don't know if I can do that alone. There are things like clothes, and mom wants ME to do her make-up. OUCH. don't know about that one. There are tons of things that need to get done, I have no idea were to start. I am detached from all of these things right now because it is just a list of things that I have to do, just like the last few months with doctor appt.'s and stuff. It's just something to get done, I'm sure when I actualy GO to do it, it will be harder. So what comes first, the chicken or the egg? Mom still hasn't eaten, and she sleeps all the time, she is out of pain that is what is important. I have a funny one, Yesterday mom had the remote to the tv with her and the phone rang. I answered it and it was the hospice nurse calling to see if all was well. When I looked over at mom, she had the remote to her ear trying to listen to the call. I laughed so hard my belly hurt, then she asked me how to turn it off..... I was rolling on the floor with that one. I told the nurse why I was laughing so hard and all she said was " So, the morphine's working?" Guess you had to be there!! She tries to take things apart when she is up. Everytime she wakes up she tries to take her bed or potty chair apart. Don't know were that came from. It is fun to watch tho. Gotta laugh not to cry. Renee

I don't know how long I have left with mom. I don't think it will be very long. She HAS stopped eating and she sleeps all of the time now. I don't know if it's from the morphine or something more. This is the worst thing that I have ever seen in my life. I had no idea it would be like this. There are so many things that I have to take care of, and I have no clue were to start. I am still alone, in that there are no family around to help. Hospice is wonderful, but there are things that I could use family for. It's always been me and mom my whole life, no reason for that to change I guess. I think that's about it. I didn't really have anything new to say, just wanted to "talk". Thanks for listening. Renee

Well, only 24 hours after I called hospice we have a hospital bed. Tons of morphine and ativan for panick attacks, and anything else I could think of to get for her. They helped so much and they haven't gotten started yet. The hard part was the decision to let her go. She is very weak, she doesn't eat anymore and I don't force her to. She is still in some pain, but not nearly as much as it used to be. She is so worried about me.... lol..... I guess you are a mom to the end. We don't know how long this will take. (of course) I do know that when she goes she will be as peacefull and comfortable as possible. I hate this damn cancer, we fought so hard and still got beat. I think mom diserves the rest. She has done all that she could do. Radiation, chemo, Dr. visits, keeping the weight up and all the NEEDLES. I think that she should be allowed to stop, just relax and quit worring and fighting. I've cried my tears today and I am exhausted. Alot calmer now than just an hour ago. It comes and goes. Thanks guys, I'll keep you all posted when anything new happens. Renee

Mom also had the sores. She was totally miserable, I just forced her to eat small amounts of soft food. You know how important keeping the wieght up is. I would make her take at least one bite every hour or so. She never lost a pound and even tho the cancer has kicked our butts, she is still the same weight she was at diagnoses. Unfortunatly(sp?) the cure can be worse than the desease. Small things will come and go, things will throw you and freak you out. Just keep going down the road and take it one day at a time. I wish you and your's all the luck in the world. It's funny, now that mom is getting near the end, I feel like the older generation with the newbies to this damn desease comming in here. Kick some tail!!!

Thanks for the post Ni. I suppose that is something for me to expect in the near future. I know exactly what you mean about the "hope". Some days all I want is the truth. The hard painfull truth to know what horrible things are next. I don't know what to say, I'm watching my mom die also. Not much to say..... Renee

Well, the dr. has told me that mom is loosing the battle against the cancer in her lungs. The nurse took me into a little room and sat me down and asked me if I wanted hospice to come in and help me. I said yes. Then she told me that my mommy is dying and that I should prepare. Worst day of my life. Mom is home now, She insisted on it. The home health nurses come in and give her antibiotics through her "pick line". Which by the way, is clogged and needs repaired. I never thought in a million years that a dr could talk to me about such technical crap and I would understand what he is talking about. Mom sleeps all day and has nightmares when she does. She talks in her sleep now, something she never did before, and worries (in her sleep) that she will be sent to a rest home. I cry all of the time now. Mom never notices, she doesn't know anything now. She is on 11mgs of morphine continous 24/7. She has her little pump and the little button she pushes for her bolus douse. Most times I just push it for her, even if she is asleep. She has stopped eating, and has stopped going to the bathroom, maybe once a day. She doesn't take in much fluids now. Sorry, I suppose I could go on and on, I think I'll stop. You all know were this is going. Please keep those prayers coming this way. We sure do need them now. Untill next time, Renee

This has got to be the worst thing in the world that ANY ONE has to go through. Care givers and loved ones a like. The emotions are like a roller coaster, so treat it like one. When you start going up the hill just prepare your self for the ride back down. And scream!!! That was the best advice I ever got, when you feel like screaming, do it. Go off and find somewhere to be alone and scream like a mad woman/man. Mom was the same way at first. She didn't want to admitt that she needed help, when I suggested moving in, she flipped. She didn't see any reason in the world for me to be there. I just gave her time and when I felt like it was the right time. When I knew that she needed me the most, I just showed up and didn't go home. I didn't bring clothes, and I didn't tell her that I was staying I just did. Then when I helped her, she didn't have to admitt that she needed it. It just WAS. I would tell her that since I was there, and it was easier for me to do, what ever it was she was tring to do, let me do it. I guess you could say I just tricked her. I didn't give her the chance to tell me no. I'm sure your father loves you. I can't imagine what it would be like to be our parents. To be facing our own mortality. Whoa, what a thought. Ok... enough is enough huh? Just hang in there and keep us posted. All of these wonderful people will be here for you, anytime. Renee

My mother had some of the effects that you describe your father having. Someone on this board suggested that it may be a drug call neurotin(sp?). That was the problem. I had asked the dr's for months what was wrong with mom and all that I got from them that it was normal, just a reaction from the pain meds. I took mom off of the neurontin and within a week she was doing incredible. She hadn't been able to feed herself and she was halucinating. (sorry, i think I need hooked on phonics.) Anyway, she couldn't walk on her own, and she would say some of the strangest crap. If your dad is taking that drug, I would consider taking him off of it and see if it helps. Please keep us posted. good luck, renee

y'all made me cry.... Thank you!!! I am pretty proud of her.

All of a sudden mom got better. She totaly shocked the doctors. She had been running a fever for 3 weeks while in the hospital. She has a hole in her lung, she needs oxygen now. The doc's say that she can't do anymore of her chemo. He thinks that is the reason she keeps getting so sick. So we'll find something else. She was on Taxotere, don't know what's next, don't care what happens now, I know she can beat anything!!! I am so proud of her. She is such a trooper. Everytime she goes into the hospital, she kicks butt and takes names later. Sometimes she won't even take name's, just kick's butt. Her hair is gone and she don't care. She hasn't lost a pound. The only real problem is that she is soooo tired, and she can't breath very well. She has a little pump for her morphine, so she is out of pain. I got home health in here now to help take care of her. We never know what's around the bend, we do know that we HAVE to go around it. I don't know what will be next week, but I do know that mom is fine right now. That's what matters. Take it all one day at a time. The doctor told me that she shouldn't have come home. He said that her body is so weak from chemo that it shouldn't have been able to fight like it did. BUT IT DID!!! I want to thank you all for all of your support the last few weeks. I know that the fight isn't over, not by a long shot. I have my mommy right now, she hasn't given up so neither am I. I would have gone crazy if it wasn't for ALL of you. I might need you again soon and who know's, I might not. I will try to repay the kindness you have shown me, I only hope that I can help someone as much as you have helped me. This one was hard on me. Thank you all so much. Renee

Thank you all for your "moral support" and advice. Cancer Treatment Centers of America is one of the places that can not help my mom, this is how I understand it. Mom is on disability, and with that she is given a state issued medical card. With that card, she can only see doctors that have a KY I.D. number. I'm not sure what kind of I.D. number that would be, just that they would need one, and no one, like cancer treatments centers, that I have found has one. So, she gets the shi##y treatment that KY has to offer. I want to get her into somewere that has specialists in treatments for cancer. I was told that if mom was 62 that she could get a medicaid card, with a social security check, not disability. She could get treatment in other states. That just doesn't seem fair. I am looking into moving to another state. If that's what I have to do then I will do it. It shouldn't be that hard to do really. Just a matter of renting a U-haul and buying a map. Sorry that I wasn't more spacific the other night. My eyes were so full of tears and I was so mad that it was hard to think, let alone type. Thanks again to you all... Renee

This sure has been a bad day, I hate days like this. You all know what I'm talking about. When no matter what you do, life still sucks and everything reminds you of how much your loved one means to you. The thought of loosing my mom is so horrible and I can't get away from it today. I called about some specialised care for mom, everywere I called they do not accept her state medical card. She has worked her whole life and now when she needs help the most, no one will help her. So what, that it is state issued and not the "Medicade" card. Does that mean that because she is not 62 or had a great job with benifits, she dies? I'm sorry but that is just WRONG. I don't see how these people in congress could let someone die because of something so rediculous(sp?). This is the shi_ that the brave men and women are fighting for right now. Crazy! Sorry, like I said .... bad day. Mom is still in the hospital, three weeks now. She is still very sick and they drained more fluid out of her lung today. This time it was the right instead of the left like all the other times. I don't take that as a very good sign. She hasn't had any trouble with the right lung before. The doc told us that she has a "hole" in her lung and I'm not sure what to think of that. I don't understand why, something about the tumor that was there shrunk and left a whole. Doesn't make much sence to me. So if anyone has any idea's about how to get treatment, or what a hole might mean, I would love to hear it. Renee

So sorry to hear your news and I know that this must be a hard time for you. I wish that I had some words of advice that would make you feel better. Hang in there and keep us posted. I will keep you in my prayers. Renee Mom dx 9-02 NSCLC stage 4 8 weeks radiation and 4 chemo's down.

I have two children, a boy 6 and a girl 5. They are wonderful, but I feel so sorry for them sometimes. I get so frusterated and tired that I snap at them for the smallest things. I always tell them that I'm sorry, I find myself saying that alot to them anymore. I try to do something special for them when I can. I don't have the time to spend with them that would like to, but I try to make what time I have nice for them.

My mom was diagnosed with NSCLC in Sept. 02 stage IIIb then later staged at 4. She has gone through the same thing with wanting to give up. She has told me over and over that she wished she hadn't come out of the hospital with the FIRST pnuemonia, she's had 4. I know how horrible it is to hear that from one of the people that you always thought was so strong. Growing up, it's the parents that can do anything, or get through anything. Then all of a sudden, it's YOU, who has to be strong, and do research to try and save your parents life. Sometimes I feel like my mom's life is in my hands. I don't think there is anything that anyone can say that will make it all go away. That all of a sudden, it's all better and you don't worry anymore. You know what I mean, those people who know nothing about what you are going through, who say, "don't worry, it will be all right". I feel like saying "why didn't I think of that? WOW, thanks, all gone!!" I know that everyone is just trying to help, it's just annoying. I do have a point somewere, all though I think I lost it somewere along the way. I feel like Rose on the "Golden Girls". Just hit me on the head with a news paper.... Don't worry, it will be all right.

cathy, I am so sorry to read your post, hang in and like all the others, don't give up. That sounds really horrible, but I'm like Ginny D. What is Pulmonary Fibrosis? That's a new one to me. I hope that's not what is wrong with my mom. With Hope, Renee

Mom is really sick..... she has been running a fever and she has an infection.... as I understand it... it's in the lungs, but NOT pneumonia again. That's a relief. I have taken care of all of the stuff that I never can get done this week... when mom is home, I never leave her so alot of stuff needed done. She called me this morning and sounded so much better. Thank you all so much.... If you will remember, mom didn't even have a fever when I called the ambulance to come and get her. So thanks to you all giving me support and advice, I got her there early. That may have saved her life.!!!!!! That's about all there is to tell y'all. Nothing much going on.. just a ton of antibiotics(SP?) I should really learn how to spell...lol.. I am north east Kentucky, next to West Virginia and Ohio, on the Ohio river. We are the size of a small "zit" on the map, and in life. Again, thanks!!

Mom will stay in the hospital tonight, all they know right now is that she has an infection. The doc. says that she doesn't have pneumonia, but they don't know were it is. Her temp was up to 100.4 when I left, my kids were getting home from school and I had to be here to get them off of the bus. It's just mom and me, so I don't have anyone to watch the kids for me. It's hard not being there to find out what's going on. I just have to wait untill she can call..... that could be hours. Thank you so much for your support. I just can't seem to quit thinking that the end is near. I wish I could get that out of my head.... I can tell by looking at her that she is wore out. She seems to have gotten worse in the last few days. I don't know what I would do without you all. Thanks again