Larry's Wife

Thank you all so much for the warm welcome. Yes, Larry is very strong. I used to refer to him as "a tough old bird". Now, I refer to him as "a tough old goat". Some days, only his dint of will keeps him going. And I'm (we're) just along for the ride. Other days, well...I'm ready to kill him myself. I don't know. Whether it's brain mets, medications, his German DNA...he's hard to deal with certain days. We have a 14 year old son together and he has two grown daughters and one awesome grandson. Poor dears. They never know what they are going to walk into. He may be totally himself, or he may be a raving maniac, fixated on something quite inconsequential. Or he might be refusing pain meds because "I don't want to get addicted." Today, he decided that he doesn't want to take his Senna, because his bowel movements come at inconvenient times for him. But, a few days from now, he'll be begging for an enema because he is constipated. I have hardly worked since he came home from the hospital at the end of January, because he cannot be left alone due to seizure risk. Oldest daughter helps me, but as time goes on, she has become less and less dependable. And I don't blame her. Some days, we, his caretakers, can do absolutely nothing right. But other days, he is exactly the person I married 27 years ago. Some days, I can hardly bear to leave him, because he seems so weak, and surely, the end is near. And some days, I just need to get away for a few hours. My workplace is a solace for me. I work at a Christian School. We have a routine. I come in. I unload my burdens. I work like the dickens for a couple of hours. I offer to quit or "joke" about them letting me go. They tell me to stop all that nonsense and ask me what I need. They tell me I'm an inspiration. What!?! Me!?! How can I possibly be inspiring to anybody? Apparently, I am not being totally honest with them. I am so very frustrated at times. I know I need to be patient with him, but some days, I find myself snapping at him over his med schedule. Or because he tells me there is no reason he can't drive to the donut shop at 5:00 a.m. "After all, there are hardly any cars on the road at that time." But he has had seizures. He cannot drive. I tell him that it doesn't matter if he can drive. If he gets into an accident that isn't even his fault, it will still be charged to him because he wasn't supposed to be driving. So far, he has listened to me, but I have a fear that he will go while I am sleeping. ***Larry has stage 4 lung cancer. He has mets in his liver, adrenal glands and his brain. But you wouldn't know it by looking at him. He is not on oxygen. His O2 level is a pretty constant 98%. He walks on his own. And I am hanging onto the knot at the end of my rope.***

My husband has extensive disease SCLC. He is on his third type of chemo since he was diagnosed in July 2007 and just had CyberKnife for some brain mets this week. Lung cancer is actually number three for him. He had non-hodgkin's lymphoma in the early 80's and bladder cancer a few years ago. He was successfully treated for them, but this one is a different story. Unless God intervenes, there will be no cure. Now for the good news: He was hospitalized in late January for seizures. We brought him home on Hospice care, with a prognosis of a few days. Well, he rebounded. He decided to pursue more chemo because he was feeling so much better. And his quality of life at this time is quite acceptable. The worst thing for him is that he can't drive anymore. Really ticks him off, it does! Why am I here? In my family, I am jokingly known as "The Strong One". But as time goes by, I find myself less and less able to live up to that title. But I have such a sense of responsibility to be strong for the rest of the family. So, I've come to understand that I need to talk with folks who are going through similar experiences. And I like the convenience of the internet. Right now, my time is not my own, so even when I can't leave the house, I can still reach out.