Joppette

Just wanted to put this back up for the caregivers in our group.

Hi friends! I'm sure everyone is scurrying about, trying to get ready for celebration of Christmas! I was not around yesterday due to clean up of our big family to-do on Sunday. It was a great time, relaxing, and fun. After it's all over, then the clean up begins. So I got that all done yesterday. All that is left is our "other" family celebration on Christmas day. This is very laid back. The family is not blood, but better. If you know what I mean. We've been friends forever and celebrate it with they and their children (grown now). We exchange gifts with the children and two grandma's. But it's very low key and relaxed. So I'm done preparing and I am very happy about that! Yesterday R schedule the furnace guys to come in and put in the geo-thermal system in. It's a 2 day job. Last night I asked him to check to see if the new hot water system was installed. Well, he didn't. I wrote a note this morning asking him to check so I knew if I would have water when I woke up. He left a note saying he had hot water, so go for it! Not what I was asking. I got up at 9:00 and go turn on the water, and all I got were sputting drops! No water. Then the guys said the heat, and electricity were going to be off for a while too! So I packed up my computer, grabbed a bottle of water and some lunch and headed into my church to get caught up on computer stuff, and wash my face and brush my teeth! Thanks honey. But all is well. Hope it is with all of you. I hope you don't have to feel frazzled by hustle and bustle of the season. I always say (and I've said it here repeatedly) "what's the worse that can happen" if something does not get done. The worse is usually not all that bad, so it's okay! Judy in MI

Stats can't predict the human spirit. Amen to that! Over a period of 15 years, five people in our family died from cancer or complications of it. I retired young to be a part of a solution in helping others with this disease. Volunteering at Gilda's Club was the first thing I did. It was amazing how awesome it was to see them light up with a smile when I greeted them by name, gave hugs when needed, encouragement and more. Then I got lung cancer. I still gave my time as I could, but had surgery, chemo, and all of that. I do believe that if we can take the tough circumstances in our lives and turn them into doing things for others, it's the best outcome for all. I admire your spirit, and home you come visit us in the Daily Air to chat and get to know you even better. We just chat in there about our day to day lives, sometimes about our treatments, but mostly to just be friends. Judy in MI

well....it's 11:15pm. All of them are gone now. What a big day. Tons of food, lots of good conversation. Kind of a trying time with the kiddo's gifts. The two ten year old girls wanted to stack the gifts by name and just have everyone tear into it. Great Aunt Judy said no...no...no..... I wanted each child to open their gift, and thank the adult that gave it. I was not content to have one child open all of their gifts at one time. While the ten year olds were not satisfied with it, they knew that Aunt Judy meant what she said, and it was done that way. I have a nephew that is developmentally challenged. He is four, and is way way way behind in development. He basically lives for video movies, and unless you give him a toy with lots of loud sounds and lights, he is not interested. To me, he acts like an autistic child, but the doctors say it is not autism. My family is not being transparent about what is going on with this boy, which makes me sad. We all wonder, and tip toe around it, and I think if the parents or Grand parents would be open to us, we'd find it easier to understand. But we have a brand new baby girl that is the sister of him and his one year old sister. She is precious and was passed around for all to cuddle. It was nice. I am very tired. We have a contractor coming in the AM to install the geo-thermal furnace system. I wish he was not coming tomorrow, but was assured that he will come in through the service door downstairs, and won't wake me. I want to sleep in. I'm so pooped! Judy in MI

Hi Adam, welcome to this place. While your dx sounds ominous, you sound awesome! I'd love to hear more about your journey. We are a support site wanting to know how we can help! And also wanting to be helped! It goes both ways. Judy in MI

Cooking, cleaning, stirring, and concocting today. In two hours they will begin to arrive! So won't be around today! Hope you all have a great Sunday. The sun is shining, supposed to be unusually warm again, 49 degrees. Perfect for traveling family! Judy in MI

At the bottom left is PROFILE, PM OR EMAIL. I didn't get your PM. Usually if I get a PM it shows up at the top left of the page, under 'new messages.' I look forward to hearing from you.

Holiday preparations can be overwhelming for caregivers of family members. Many caregivers wish to hold on to holiday traditions, but their old traditions don't always fit with new realities. One caregiver related that she used to love baking and having her house full of family and friends during the holidays. But the combined stress of trying to keep her husband's care schedule and preparing a holiday get-together was too much. Experienced caregivers offer the following suggestions to help you and your family keep the holiday without the hassle. *Invite guests to the home of the care receiver so that he or she will be comfortable and not have to be taken out. *Suggest a potluck meal or ask guests to take responsibility for preparing a meal. Make clean-up easy by using festive paper plates and cups. *Keep the number of guests manageable. Noise and hectic activitiy can be difficult for a person who is frail or confused. *Talk to family and friends before they arrive. If the care receiver is confused, has trouble eating or has any behaviors that guests might not understand, explain the circumstances to them and tell them how to approach the situation. *Take the hassle out of gift giving. Consider giving a gift of love such as an offer to reserve conversation time with a friend or a promise to attend a grandchild's school play. *Caregivers who wish to purchase gifts should consider giving one gift per family, online or mail-ordering purchases or asking a neighbor or friend to help with shopping. *If guests ask what they can bring, suggest gifts that really will help -- frozen prepared foods, an IOU for caregiving that offers you respite time, a trip to the beauty or barber shop for your care receiver, or an offer to run specific errands. One caregiver said that she thought for years that nobody could do it except her. But when she learned to ask for help, she found that holiday joy doesn't depend on doing everything the same way it's always been done. I found a lot of these tips by surfing the net. They are too good to not share.

D, smiling at the private message comment! If you look at the bottom of my post, you will see to the left 3 little boxes and one of them says PM, which stands for private message. Click on it under my post here, and it will take you to my email here. Then you can write privately to me, and I can respond the same way. Judy

You are right Steph! LOL. Well, one thing that has been rock solid with us for the last 20 years is Christmas with our "other" family. All those years ago, his best friend knew we couldn't have children, so he asked if we'd like to enjoy Christmas day with their family and children. We have done that since. My family didn't celebrate with each other on Christmas day. We saw 3 children born and grow up, and two Grandma's, still with us, that we've been fortunate to love and know for two decades. Years ago, we used to agonize over what to get each other (the Mom and Dad and us). We finally agreed that time was worth much more than money could buy, so we set a "date night" where we go to one of our favorite restaurants and splurge. We gift the children (now young adults) and the two Grandma's. It's wonderful. Every year they hang stockings full of funny stuff from the dollar store! We so enjoy that time laughing. We all always get one lottery ticket, and we make a big deal out of the scratch off. One year the stinkers got me a fake one that said I won $20,000!!!!! I freaked. I'm very thankful that I screamed out "we are all going on a fantastic vacation together!!!!!", thinking we'd all share in the wealth. So I got them! They sheepishly admited to it's fakeness, and we all got a big laugh out of it. Anyway.....I go on and on.....LOL Judy in MI

Good morning! It's 27 degrees and snowing, but not much. Yeah. Forecast for tomorrow (family coming over for Christmas) is 39 and sunny. Yeah. One brother has an hour and fifteen minute drive and I like when we don't have to worry about his traveling into town. I am excited about this year's gathering. We finally dropped gifting to adults. So we just get to spoil the children, and that is really what the gifts should be for. Our dinner will be simple. We are picking up a big tray of home made meats from a local butcher we are friends with. We'll have cheeses and breads to go with it. Some favorite side dishes along with it. Each woman will bring her speciality favorite to the table and we'll eat buffet and informal style. After my Dad died, we didn't change Christmas traditions because Mom was always the one really in charge anyway. LOL. After she died, the family traditions were gone. It was tough for me to accept. Mom died in October, and my sister-in-laws decided it was time to make some big changes. I still get teary eyed when I remember that disasterous first year. But we survived it. And now we have different traditions, they are unique to our odd family unit, and that is okay. I'm wondering if anyone has Christmas traditions that have held on through the decades? It would be interesting to hear some of them! Judy in MI

Dear D, I wish I had an easy answer for you. But I do not. By the time my Mom was diagnosed, I already lost my sister and dad to brain cancer. Mom also had breast cancer. When she was dx with lung cancer, I felt like a pro with the doctors. I did learn that people in pain will show it in their face. The doctors show us the typical pain graphic, with one being a big smile, and a ten being tears, and a big sad face. I've learned that it is true in reality. You will be able to tell if she is in pain by her face. She can't fake that. Look for that distress. It's very difficult to disguise. Know that her cough is something she thinks about. I know I do. I am not in fear about it. But my faith holds me strong. I don't know what else to say other than to explore your belief system about the next life. And if the anxiety is horrid, do ask your doctor for help. It is not a weakness to ask for medication to help. The situation is horrible, and full of stress. I know I needed medication during my Mom's struggle to help me endure. Judy in MI

Thanks for the update! Think you are doing well. Don't worry about the chemo brain. I know a lot of folks who never had chemo that don't remember much more than I don't! LOL I have finally accepted that my memory is no longer better than an inch worm and I tell people that. I used to get so upset about that, but no more. IT is what it is, and I do the best that I can with what I have. It's okay. Judy in MI

Terry, I am so glad you came here and wrote all of this out. It does help. My mom was 62 when she got the same dx as your Dad. She hung on for 9 months. Like you, I was her primary care giver, and the one she looked to with those eyes, searching for hope. The first year after she died was horrid for me. Like you, I hashed over and over again all of the things I did or did not do. I couldn't get certain images out of my head, and wondered if those bad images would be with me forever. Mom has been gone now for 15 years. I don't remember when the bad memories faded, but they did. I can offer that hope to you. Now I fondly think of the good memories, and the little special things we said and did in her last year. I wish I could give you a gentle hug and assure you that it's going to get better, but it's too soon. If there is a Gilda's Club near you, they do have Grief Support which is amazing. Otherwise perhaps your Hospice provides that? It helps to talk about it and share with others that have gone through similar experiences. ((((HUG)))) Judy in MI

Well, I'll join in since this is a REAL Friday's Air. I don't know what is going on but the past couple of days it's been difficult to know what is real and what is a bot or spammer. Eric, a hug to you. I understand your apathy about the holiday given Sally's issues. It must be very difficult. I hope tomorrow you will be infused with the "reason for the season" and decorate away. I don't think you are lazy. We went to the Christmas pops symphony last night and had a grand time! My favorite part is at the end when they have a big sing-a-long. They put the words on the screen, and we all sing Christmas carols together. After that they end the show with the Halleiula with a huge choir and the symphony! It's awesome and is a tear jerker for sure. What a lovely night. We went to dinner first at an amazing restaurant. I had a lovely lamb chop covered in an amazing gravy and mushrooms, and R had this rabbit stew that was incredible. We have not eaten rabbit since we were children, so we were curious. It was delicious. I've been hobbling around since the "big clean" on Wednesday. The foot is swollen and mad. This afternoon, the "big clean" is happening again upstairs! I do my Spring Cleaning just before Christmas every year before my family comes to spend the day. We will have about 24 people over! Now that nephews and nieces are having babies, our family is getting large again. I love that. Well, I've missed you all in the past couple of days. I hope everyone is doing well. Judy in MI

Oh my goodness....if a cyber hug were possible, you'd be getting it. While we want to try to be optimistic, we also have to face the facts. I obviously wanted my Mom to survive, but reality was that she would not. My Dad and sister had already died from brain cancer, so I don't know if that helped me or not, but I felt rather realistic about her disease. Just be yourself when it comes to concern about her health. If she is coughing and puking, I think wiping her brow, and helping her through it would be good. I've been there. Someone that loved me so much to help me through it would have been good. I don't know if I told you that I have lung cancer. I do. I"m blessed to be doing so well, after already losing my Mom. But it is back, so can speak not only from a caregiver perspective but also as a patient. I hope you can find forgiveness. I'm not trying to put a guilt trip on you. Seriously. It is only in forgiveness that we are freed from the trap of anger, and guilt. I understand your pain. I hope you know that. Hang in there. Sending love and care with this. Judy in MI

Hi D, I didn't notice this post before responding to your other post. You've asked very valid questions. I have some questions for you to help understand the situation. Is she getting treatment anymore? When my Mom was dx, she took radiation therapy to her brain because she was having seizures, but refused any other treatments such as chemo. When she was done with the radiation, we had the "tough talk" about Hospice. At first she was completely against it because she thought if she accepted it, she was "giving up". When I explained that their job was NOT to help her die, but rather, to help her live well, with good quality of life, she decided to accept their help. This was huge in helping me care for her. Not that they could be there all the time, but knowing I could call them in an emergency was a relief. As you will read in my post to you, I was in a situation where my siblings were not willing to help care for her. My Mom was also very independent. I was very careful in explaining what Hospice would be doing, to help her understand that their help was not accepting death. It was critical for her to understand that, in order to accept their help. I don't know what else to say in writing. If you want to talk, private message me, and I'll give you my phone number. I totally understand your frustration, and anger. It is a tough place to be. I get it. Judy in MI

Hi D, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, in this way. I had a situation like yours, but not exactly. I have 3 brothers. We all live in the same town. However, when my Mom was dx with Stage IV SCLC, they just told me that it was "my problem". They were not willing to engage in her care, and made it painfully clear that it was "my job" as her daughter. I worked full time (so while you live farther away, we both had challenges, me trying to work, and you trying to get there to be there for her, both challenging). It is so good to know that your husband and children are supporting you, because this is a tough situation. I hate to say this, but you will have to just accept your sisters where they are. You won't change them. For whatever reason, they are not engaging. It could be fear. It could be many other reasons. Caregiving is a special task, meant for special people. All I can say to help you is this; you will have precious memories of Mom that will sustain you. Your sisters don't realize that this time with Mom may be short. I hope you don't mind me being frank and open with you. Do all you can to help her have the best quality of life as possible. You can't change them. So if you can, just let it go. I had to with my brothers, and while it hurt, I was able to forgive. If you ever want to talk, private message me. I completely understand where you are at and how frustrating it can be. Judy in MI

Nice to see so many posts today. So nice that Bud opened it up! It was a cold, wet, miserable day today, but no snow. If it snowed the way it rained, we would have had a foot of it. I finished my Christmas shopping today. I can't believe how rude people are. Really? The reason for the season is not about getting ahead in line, or ripping a gift out of someone's hands. Seriously. I was very disheartened about all of it. I decorated the tree tonight. Couldn't find a few containers of ornaments, but am not worrying about it this year. I'm tossing two boxes of old bulb ornaments that are decades old. I used to think that the more ornaments, the better. Not so much anymore. I just put up the ones that have meaning and happy memories of friends and family. Tomorrow is laundry, and more prep for family. Tomorrow night we will go out to dinner and the Holiday POPS. So looking forward to that. MI Judy

Eric, you cracked me up with the Ctrl A at the end. I don't know what went snarky on you with the first post, but admire your tenacity in coming back and posting again! I agree, I miss the regular guys in here. I also am puzzled as to why new folks don't come here. I guess you and I were new and didn't know better? I am kidding of course. Judy, good to see you back. Loved your litany on the tour of Key West. The only time we were there, it was for one over night and it sounds like what we did. It was lovely, and we'd love to get back there one day. R says we need to take a short vacation to some place warm after the holidays, and perhaps I'll suggest KW! Today is clean the lower level day. I don't normally clean down there because it's rare that we use it. Silly. We built this home, and the lower level has dart board, foose ball, pool table, gaming table, and even a fake slot machine! We thought we'd be throwing these parties and entertaining all the time. And then real life hit and none of that happened. I sure hope it adds to the home's value when we sell it. If we could sell it today, we would. But the market won't bear it, so we're stuck with the mortgage until better times. Very thankful we can pay our mortgage, and not lose our home like so many have. One of my best friends is coming over to help me. I'm very allergic to dust, so we'll be using liquids to trap the dust before it its the air and my lungs. Tomorrow I'll put up the Christmas tree. Have not heard back from the Clinic yet, and that is okay with me. I found out on Cancergrace that when tumors lite on the PET but not bright, it usually means that the cancer is slow growing. Thank you Steph for that. If it lights bright, it is a fast metabolizing tumor. So if they don't call me until the New Year, I'd be happy with that. I am so missing so many of the "old regulars" here. Feels like lost friends. I'm sorry for this complaint. I know everyone is busy, and we are all in different phases in our journey. I understand. I just miss you. Have a wonderful day. Eric your weather sounds dreadful. We are cloudy and cold, but no snow, and no wind, so it's all good. Perfect day for cleaning. Judy in MI

Hi Ann, It's freakishly warm here for December. My car temp gauge said 47 as I drove around today. That's insanely warm for us, but no one is complaining. WE've barely had an inch of snow, and warm temps, we are loving it. But the first two weeks of December were cold, not like last year, but got to 22 degrees and very windy. I love the name Harper. Very cute. Speaking of names. My great niece was born yesterday. I must be getting old. I just don't understand the names the young ones are giving to their children. One niece named her first born Guilleanna, and they call her "G". The other nice named her first son Deacon, which completely surprised all of us. They call him Deke, which makes sense. Her first daughter was name Allyssandra, and they call her Ali. Like Ali McGraw. This is her second daughter, and they named her Emerson. I have never heard of this name, and I can't picture calling a little baby "Emerson". I talked to my niece today and told her that Great Aunt Judy has already decided her nick name and it will be Emmie. No Emma, No Emmer, it is Emmie. Here's what I don't get: Allyssandra and Guilleanna will be spelling their names a billion times in their lives. No one will know how to spell it. I guess I'm getting dotty and old. Maybe that is the point, that their name is unlike anyone elses. LOL. MI Judy P.S. Ann, I hope and pray for your sorrow to be softened by the lovely, and happy memories that you have with Dennis. When I am missing my sister, Mom or Dad, I get my old albums out and relive the happy memories with them. I have traced their faces with my finger over the years. I may shed some tears, but I also know they are no longer suffering and are in a better place, and one day I will be joining them again.

Well, I'll open the windows and let in Monday's air, but if someone beats me to it, just merge me please! The phone rang bright and early, and thinking it was the beginning of the next steps in treatment, I put the pillow over my head and let it go to voice mail. LOL. Turns out my new glasses are in! Yeah! I can't read with the ones I have and can't wait to get the new pair. This weekend I spent two hours shopping and got 95% of the kiddo's gifts done. Just got a new great-niece yesterday! LOL So off today to find baby stuff for a baby girl. We decided to not exchange gifts again this year, but I am going to get one gift for him, and one for me. He does not know. My wardrobe is getting old. I would like one really warm and soft sweater. I did an inventory of his "nice" sweaters that he would wear to work and there aren't any! So he's going to get a good quality pull over that he can wear with slacks on casual days. Other than that? I got nothing! Have a good Monday. Judy in MI

Prayers for sure. thanks for posting this Becky. MI Judy

Hi Judy, I see that you made it into my Care page. Thank you sweetie. The notes and support mean the world to me. I had a very tired weekend. I don't really know why, but yesterday was a day of fighting off the need to nap. Today I get a hair cut, color, and then teeth cleaning. Sounds like a good day to me! It's 5:00AM here, so will just post this, see other new posts and go back to bed. Judy in MI

Hi there. Do let us know the details so we can support you! Hugs. Mi Judy