ronvrens

My company held a team building family adventure weekend . This included the end of year function as many people will have left the site due to the project finishing. I only went on Saturday and stayed for the dinner and then came home. It was really a very fun filled day with all sorts of fun events such as high swings and overhead cable rides. There were also activities to test all our skills. There was only one thing missing and that was my partner Pat. Every year we attended all company events together and Pat loved it. Meeting all my fellow workers and also bosses. She took part in any event that she could do considdering her back. She played golf and two years ago went on an excersion by quad bike. This was a highlight for her as she loved bikes of all kinds. She also owned a number of scooters. I did that same bike trail in memory of her as I know she would have done it again if she was here. Seeing all the people with their spouses and partners enjoying themselves together really got to me. I longed for Pat, just to hold her hand and laugh as we always did when we saw something amusing. I know this is one of the things that will still hurt for a long time and I must accept it.It doesnt go away very easily. Today Sunday I went home to Durban to check on my home and collect some supplies for the Jackal ( shes very hungry and fussy what she eats). and then came home again to prepare for work tomorrow. Thanks for lending an ear Ronnie

Hello everyone After such a good weekend in Durban at home suddenly yesterday was so bad. I just remembered Pats passing. I was awake most of the night. Couldn't get her out of my mind. I hope things are better tonight. Thanks for being there to just listen Ronnie

Had a very good weekend and I am preparing to go back to Ladysmith. I just have to pick up my housemate at he airport, He went to Cape Town to his family, and then the trip north about 2.5 hours. I have to give the jackal a light tranquiliser injection just to relax her but its getting better. I think she sensed Pat here at home and also smelled her. She was not too happy. I think she preferes our other home. Will post more news tomorrow. Ronnie

Feel good today. Went to church and recieved a very warm welcome. Havent been to church in Durban for a month. Now I know what kept Pat busy all day when she was well and looking after the house. She was a wonderful woman, wife Partner companion and looked after me so well. Thats why I miss her so much, she was everything I could ask for. I slept like I havent slept for months. I was so relaxed and I think it was the right thing to do to come home alone and have time to think. The longing is still there as strong as ever. I go back to Ladysmith tomorrow and will be gone from my home for a month. I am already looking forward to it. Thanks Ronnie

Been very busy doing all sorts of chores and bussiness. It is going much better than expected. There are still times I catch myself thinking about Pat and what we would be doing if she were here. Going out on a shopping trip saddens me because we so enjoyed going out even if we bought nothing. Of course the house is quiet as there is no constant tv or radio as Pat liked it.

Good day all. I arrived home yesterday for the month end pay weekend. I felt a bit apprehensive at first to be alone but after settling in and sorting out the Jackal I actually felt better. I think one of my problems is the longing to be home. Had a good nights sleep. Of course thuoght abouy Pat and saw all the little things we shared. Theres so much to do here as when a home is not lived in for a while it becomes almost somber and morbid. I need to be at my own home and as hard as it is without Pat I am feeling positive that I can manage and will try and look to the future in a new light. I know that the love Pat and I shared for all those years will get me through the days ahead. Thanks for listening Ronnie

Thanks everyone The biggest problem with becoming involved with other people and groups is the hours that I work at present. We start at 7 in the morning but have an hours trip to get to work. We finish round 5 to 6 and then its another hour trip home. We have a very busy day as construction is hard and there is always something iurgent to do as I experienced last night. When I get home I have to prepare something to eat and also look after that animal child of mine. Normally get to bed at about 10. Weekends most people have their own things to do and some work. But I try and socialise as much as I can but the church is the place that I feel gives me the best backing at present. I am still getting to know the people here as my church is in Durban. Thanks once again Ronnie

Had a bad weekend. Yesterday was very lonely and today was worse. I am working nightshift this week and spend the day alone at home. I find that I'm constantly thinking about Pat When I am with people then its not so bad but being alone is hurting. I went to church yesterday morning and evening and this gives mesome pece. Thanks for listening Ronnie

My son Neil with his wife Mary Jane and daughter Ami live in Dubai. He works for Emirates Airlines as an avionics technician. When Pat was very ill in hospital with pneumonia they came down to visit and Pat was extatic to have her granddaughter visit in hospital. The afternoon before Pat passed away she spoke and saw them on Skype. Pats granddaughters meant so much to her.

Its 2 months today since Pat suddenly left. The pain for the past few days has once again become almost unbearable as I long for her. The lonliness is the worst thing as I do not have much of a social circle here in Ladysmith. Once again thanks for all the support.

Thank you for all the great comments. Yes I truly loved Pat and have been loking at more photos of her and the family. Today was a particularly bad day as all I thought about was how much I long for her. The worst is when things are quiet and theres no one around. Everyone seems to thinkI'm ok but they cant see the hurting inside. Posting here helps clear some of the tension and build up of sorrow. Thanks for being there for us Ronnie

This is the second most important person next to Pat Jacky the jackal.

Pat Brenda our daughter, Christell our oldest granddaughter and myself Ronnie about 3 years ago. Good times on the beachfront. The family last Christmas. Other daughter Michelle present. Pat was not very well with the terrific back pain. A picture of my family after the funeral. My son Neil is in the front row right

Thank you so much. I have two granddaughters one is 13 years old from my eldest daughter and one of 7 months from my son. The third grandchild from my son is on the way and due to be born in December. They think its a boy. My younger daughter is still to marry once she has finished her studies. Needless to say Pat loved both the granddaughters with all her heart She had the oportunity to see the youngest one while she was in hospital with the pneumonia when my son and his wife came from Dubai to see her as she was so ill. The eldest granddaughter has really been a comfort to me.

Pats Cancer Story I have not done this chronographicaly but just from the heart. [/b]On the 10 of March 2010 my wife Pat was diagnosed with spinal cancer. The events that led up to this diagnosis are as follows. From the age of about 19 she had a history of back pain as a result of an ice skating fall. In the following 30 years she had 5 back operations ranging from laminectomies to spinal fusions. Back pain was her constant companion. During December 2009 the back pain became worse up to a point when it was not relieved by most prescribed painkillers. I searched the internet trying to find a reason for this severe pain and accessed a website South African spinal Society. As if it had been highlighted “Cancer” was listed as a possible cause. The next day I made an appointment with the neuro surgeon who had performed some of the back operations. The visit to the Neuro Surgeon was on the 10 March 2010 At consultation he ordered an emergency MRI scan of the lumbar spine. I accompanied her into the scanner and was present during the process. I noticed that the operator had summoned the specialist and showed him the scans as they were taking place. Directly after the scan the specialist approached me and informed me that there was cancer in the spine and the femur. A full body CT scan was done and a bone marrow biopsy under CT scan was also done. She was admitted for pain control and to be seen by an oncologist. The oncologist explained to me that bone cancer was not the primary cancer and that the primary source was being investigated. My wife was discharged on the 12 March and was seen at the oncologist and the plan for radiation was explained. Radiation treatment started on 15 March and there were 10 treatments planned. My wife suddenly developed a cough and it got progressively worse. The oncologist didn’t seem too worried and prescribed cough mixture. The radiation treatment progressed and she was again seen by the oncologist. The coughing was now worse. On the day of her last radiation treatment she saw the partner oncologist who was very concerned about the cough and ordered antibiotics. One thing to add which was a positive step is that the back pain was now under control with some days being pain free. By the time we got home my wife was very ill and it worsened to a point that at about 21h30 I decided to take her to the emergency department of the hospital. After she was seen by the resident doctor she was admitted to the intensive care ward with severe breathing difficulties. They also identified a pleural effusion. This was drained twice. She was in the intensive care unit for 10 days and in a general ward for 4 days. On her day of discharge she received her first chemo therapy. Oxygen was ordered for use at home and this became her almost constant companion. In her already weak state the chemo took its toll and she became very ill and was admitted to hospital for nausea and vomiting and difficulty in breathing. She was again drained and the difficulty in breathing eased. She was out of hospital for only a few days when she went for the second round of chemo. Once again at day three there was the severe nausea and vomiting and the compounded breathing problems due to the effusion. This time they could not drain the effusion due to low platelets and white blood cells. They were afraid of bleeding and also infection. She was put into an isolation ward and we all had to wear masks and gloves. This led to a series of panic attacks due to the feeling of drowning. When the blood cells started increasing she was drained and a type of chemo Bleomycin was injected into the pleural cavity to resolve the leak. This worked and she did not develop any further effusions. She progressed in leaps and bounds and was discharged. At home she started eating a bit better and also spent time watching TV and even knitting. She managed to finish a shawl for our yet unborn grandchild. I took her into town to see all the soccer flags which were in the main street in lights. We also drove the length of the foreshore and saw all the new additions to the beach front. We even drove past the new soccer stadium and she saw it from right close up. I think this was the highlight of our outing. The third bout of chemo was done on the Thursday 03 June 2010. She at first did not want to go but after a phone call from the oncology clinic advised her that she had an appointment she decided to go. I took her as I had always done and spent the full 5 hours with her. She seemed to take the treatment well. The Friday Saturday and Sunday were all glorious days with her looking good and feeling better. On Monday 07 June I left to go back to work and she seemed fine. When I got to the workplace I still told everyone that my wife is so much better. At about 12 o clock I received a telephone call that she had developed pins and needles and cramps in the fingers and hands. As this was a sign that things were going wrong the previous time I told the caregiver to contact the oncologist and advise him. She also developed fungal sores in the mouth.. The doctor advised her to come in and see him. He gave her some medication and ordered blood tests. The results showed that the platelet count was very low and he ordered an injection to stimulate platelet production. She was also slightly dehydrated. She was sent home. She slowly deteriorated and was taken to the hospital for admission on Wednesday 9 June 2010. Tests showed that the platelets were still low and her kidneys were also struggling. She received platelet and white blood transfusions but the result was not good. Her condition stayed very ill but stable until Tuesday 15 June when the blood count dropped to almost zero. She was moved into isolation to protect her from infection and also get a higher care level. Even with numerous transfusions the situation did not improve. On Thursday 17 June just after 14h00 she started having difficulty in breathing and nothing that was done improved the situation. We as a family were there with her all afternoon and she even got to see and talk to her son Neil in Dubai on Skype. He had not yet left to come home as there was difficulty in getting a flight due to the world cup Our minister also came to visit her and pray with her. Before I left at about 22h30 I rubbed her back, put cream on her legs feet and arms. Powdered her body, cleaned her dentures and helped her rinse her mouth, washed her hands and face and brushed her hair. She said to me “I feel so good now thank you”. I asked her if she wanted me to stay the night but her reply was “ Go home and rest as you will need to be fresh tomorrow.” I think she knew that the end was near and she didn’t want me to see her pass away. I had scarcely got into bed when I received a phone call from the hospital with the terrible news that Pat had passed away. I went to the hospital to hold her for the last time and say goodbye. I held her lifeless but still warm body for a long time and then said goodbye and left. This was the end of Pats short but brutal fight with cancer

To all Thanks for the kindness and words of advice. I have been doing a bit of soul searching and have come up with a few reasos I think that I am battling to come to terms with my grief I have always been the "strong " one through all sorts of situations. This doesn't mean that I havent cried before. I do not like being lonely. With Pat no longer my closest companion there is such a void that cannot be filed. Although there are many people working with me that are friends they also have their own agenda and even my house mate comes home and is in bed early due to his work load. So there is not much here to have a bit of socialising. The previous site I was on , we had a fantastic crowd of friends and were always busy with some event or outing. Here theres not much to do. I am involved with the local Baptist church but even last night I had to cancel a group meeting due to work. Working night shift is lonely due to the few people and also they are so busy and theres no time to sit and chat. I don't consume much alcohol so a night out with the boys is to high on my agenda. Pat and I loved each others company even when she was knitting and didn't say much due to the concentration required, but I think that maybe we were satisfied just being close. I think that with time things will improve and I will look back and realise that the grieving was for the woman I truly loved.

I am begining to think that there is something wrong with me. I always thought of myself as a toughy as I have seen enough grief, trauma and injury when I was a practicing paramedic. Every time I go home and also when there are periods of no one around I just seem to fall apart and even have sort of mini panic attacks. This is especially when I am at our home in Durban. When i arrived on Thursday for the weekend I was saddened by the quiet and the lonliness. Everything seemed to improve when the family arrived on Friday but things reall fell apart on Sunday when they left. I could not stop thinking about Pat. On Monday morning I got up early so that I could take the Jackal to the vet. As soon as we were finished I just went home packed my things and left. I could not bear to be alone in the house as I became too emotional. I do not want to go the medicine way to help me. Can anyone offer any kind of advice or help Thanks Ronnie

Went out on the harour cruise. Wow what a surprise. The family and friends really went out of their way to make it special. The mood was great and the food was exceptionally good. Got a lot of interesting presents but the highlight is a flight in a Pitts special aerobatic plane. This was planned by Pat and the children some time ago. They all know how I love anything to do with flying. Pat was in my thoughts all last night and I know she was happy with everything that the children did to make last night special and in honour of her. The family all go back home today and then its only me and the Jackal until tomorrow when I take her for a check up and then its home to Ladysmith. Ronnie

Arrived home in Durban for our long pay weekend. Brought the jackal with and it was not as much of a problem as I expected. I gave her a small tranquiliser injection and it helped almost all the way. About 20 minutes from home the need to visit the toilet became evident as she started to fiddle. Arrived to a very lonely house. This is hard as Pat was always at the door to greet me as I drove in. Everything was so quiet as there was no radio or television on. I settled and fed the old lady jackal and went shopping for some necesities. I was invited to supper by a very good friend and caregiver of my wife. Returning to the house and facing a lonely night was not so nice as it was also a Thursday which reminded me of the last evening with Pat. I eventually fell asleap but woke up early and then got up and did some necessary chores. My two daughters and my younger sister are on the way from Johannesburg and should be here about 8 this evening. I am looking forward to them being here with me. We will be going for a harbour cruise dinner tomorrow evening for my birthday. All the little things I see to remind me of Pat still brings a lot of sadness but I am starting to accept that she is gone and now I see the beauty of our relationship especially in photos and her possessions. I think this weekend is just what I need. To be with the family and not strangers all the time. Well thanks for listening and all the help Ronnie

On Monday 26 July it was my birthday. Although everyone at work wished me well and were friendly the sadest part was I was actually alone. It was to have been a very special day as I turned sixty and Pat had already started making arrangements for a special event even while she was so sick in hospital. I have decided that the festivities will be postponed until next year when I will backdate my birthday. All the people from my department arranged a special secretive dinner for me. I appreciated this as I thought I was in for a lonely evening. As I have now accepted the house in Ladysmith as home I have started to make my room more homely and have hung some pictures of Pat and the family on the walls. This has made a great difference as I can see her whenever I enter the room. There have been good days lately and there have been days when I miss her so much it hurts. Ronnie

Thanks for the posting. Every little bit of advice and encouragement helps. This morning woke up feeling down again. Looked at the photo at my bedside, said goodmorning I love You. While getting ready for work could not get Pat out of my mind. On the way to work played her favourite song Everybody Hurts and broke down. This song was also played by her request while we carried the coffin from the church. So the day did not start well. Everyone keeps asking me how I feel and also seem to be treating me with compassion. I think that sometimes this can prolong the whole grieving process. But they all mean well and its hard to tell them just to treat me normally. Perhaps I should just not be so sensitive and emotional.

I am busy writing a story of our relationship and life together. It is very hard not to get too emotional and then I have to wait a while. As soon as I have a bit more I will share it with you Thanks for understanding Ronnie

On Satrday I went home to attend to some bussiness. As soon as I opened the front door I felt a great sadness. This is the first time that I have come home to absolute silence. There was a great sense of being alone. I spent the day doing the necessary in town and at home but the feeling of lonliness would just not go away. Everywhere I looked the re were things to remind me of the good as well as the last 3 months struggle with the disease. At one point I just broke down and cried next to our bed. Yesterday was one month since Pat left me so suddenly and I found it hard to cope. There was this profound sence of sadness and grief all day. The worst is that there was no one to share my feelings with. Too many people still tell me thattime heals but I feel that its going to take a long time as I miss her more every day. Thanks for being there when I need to let someone know How I feel. Everyone has been so kind and understandind Ronnie

Its almost a month since the passing of my beloved wife Pat. A lot of things have happened in this time. I have now moved to the cty of Ladysmith which is near the construction site. i share the house with one of my fellow co-workers and we get along quite well. The jackal made the move with me and has adapted well. At least I have her for companionship at night when we go to bed. I have found it hard to adapt to the new circumstances as the highlight of my week was going home to my wife. I now spend the weekend here at home. I go to church on Sunday. The lonliness is what has the biggest negative effect on me at present. There is no-one to discuss all the little personal and intimate things with. These were always saved for the times we were together. I miss the social life with her, even if it was just going out to a restuarant for supper or a drive to the beach to watch the sea. She loved going to the beach and walking amongst the rocks. There is no one to share the day to day happenings and stories with. I used to phone her every night. These are all th things that still bring a deep sense of sadness to me. All the telephone calls I recieved are also starting to get less and les as people have other more pressig things to do and I am no longer the focal point. I am not depressed only I think very lonely as co-workers are all pretty much tired at the end of the day and dont do much socialising. One thing that keeps me going is the memories of the good times we had and looking at the many photos that I have taken of our travels and work. I would lie to thank all for the advice and all the kind thoughts.

Thank you for the acceptance and advice. I know that it is me that has to deal with the loss and grieving. This little girl jackal has been with the family for 12 years. We got her when her mother was killed and the locals in Lesotho sold her. She is still a wild animal but has been domesticated . At present she is my companion as she also misses my wife as they were together most of the time until her illness. She sleeps on the bed with me. Love her to bits.