Do you mind if I process a bit?

[Treebywater]

I'm just feeling very jumbled at present, and writing helps... and writing into the direction of people helps more. So I hope you don't mind if I verbally process some.

My folks left this morning. It was SO GOOD to see them, but hard. My Mama is very tired, and weak, and in so much pain. The pain, I think/they think is unrelated to the cancer diagnosis, but it seems to just be awful for her.

We had an overwhelming family gathering on Saturday... my first time hosting a holiday/family get-together plus some of my relatives had flaked out on me previously and I was dealing with that... plus, I'm 6 1/2 months pregant and emotional and tired!

Anyway... I just feel jumbled. Tears kept raising up in me at strange times. Mom and Dad bought this beautiful rocking chair for the nursery for us for Christmas and I could barely keep from just bawling in the furniture store. They've always been so generous to me... and here, just as they are embarking on this major battle which will be expensive they lavish this on me too... We watched White Christmas together last night because we do that every Christmas Eve and I won't be there this year to do that, and I couldn't get through that without crying either. I HATE that I can't be home with them through all of this, but especially during Christmas. And especially because it looks like that is when treatment stuff will be getting started too.

I'm having a really hard time with the thought of being so far away from Mom through all of this. As a Navy wife, you don't have to tell me that distance can't sever togetherness. But I don't want to not know how mom is doing every day. I don't want to miss being able to go through the hard times and the good times with her. I want to be involved enough with the every day stuff that I know she won't be afraid to share with me. I know how difficult it can be being the family member there/care giver... but I feel cheated out of that priveledge at the same time. And... until the baby is here, and a little older travel is going to be pretty restricted for me.

Of course I feel scared and worried in general too.

I'm trying so hard to be hopeful and stay hopeful, but I feel like I need to let myself feel the deep sad too. I just want to be sure I do that healthily.

I know that pregnancy hormones play into all of this too of course, but I just don't know what to do with myself and these jumbles at the moment. So I came here to write it out.

And even as I do that, I feel guilty because I want to be able to share this website with Mom so she can glean support from you amazing people, but I worry that what I've shared already would hurt her as she hears me hurt.

So that's me right now.

[Andrea]

Treeby,

I am sorry you are going through all of this. And being pregnant with all the hormones doesn't help. Just as an aside, I just read your prior post about your cough and going to the dr. I had a cough for a couple of weeks and read up on asthma and read that pregnancy often can induce asthma, giving you a chronic cough.

One thing you can do is call your mom every day and it will make you feel like you are right there with her.

The most important thing your mom wants you to concentrate on is that baby! Keep hanging tough

[stand4hope]

Tree,

Is there anyone that will have daily or frequent contact with your mom that uses email? When my dad was real sick, I sent numerous emails(sometimes 3-4 a day depending on what was going on) to keep my brother (1) and sisters (2) updated; they all lived out of state. One sister in particular had a very hard time dealing with the distance and the emails were the only thing that kept her sane.

Just thought I would throw out this idea if you hadn't thought about it. What about your dad? Could he do this for you?

Hang in there, hon. I know it's hard. I felt sorry for them as well, and there are many others on here that have to do deal with the distance problem. They will probably come on here and help you through this, too.

Love,

Peggy

[Snowflake]

Dear Navy Wife,

My mother was a Navy Wife for 20 years. I can remember a trip to the commissary that the paper bags stated, "Navy Wife: The toughest job in the Navy" - my mother had one of those bags for the LONGEST time. I don't think everyone understands how much service people and their dependents lose while being "on patrol" and keeping the world safe for democracy (and all those other recruiting slogans). My father retired when I was 14 and I spent five years as an Army wife, three of those years far from home...

I understand what you are going through with the separation. Guess what - you'd be going through that whether your mother had cancer or not. A girl wants her mother around when she's going through pregnancy, especially a first one. I would suggest for yourself, that you get into a support group on base - either the officers' wives club or the enlisted wives club. This will surely help YOU emotionally if your husband is deployed AND give you a "sisterhood" of women in the same situation you find yourself in - far from home and needing some female bonding.

As for your time with your mother - try to get her computer savvy. Talk her into getting online and contact her through an instant messaging service. Maybe call her once a week, but save some money on those darn phone bills by using the ol' 'Net.

We spent many holidays away from our blood relatives, MANY. My father was a section leader and we ALWAYS hosted holidays at our house. One year, we had 24 people at our table for Thanksgiving! It was always so much fun, a real family feel among people who were experiencing being away from their loved ones, as well. Remember all the single folks that aren't going home for holidays, too. You have your husband, they are truly alone - invite some of his co-workers to share in your celebration, especially the home-cooked meal part. For Christmas, you can even extend it to a gift giving occassion by drawing names and setting a price limit...

Reach out, there are people there willing to help. If you have no idea where to begin, speak to the wife of your husband's commander.

I am so sorry that the hidden sacrifices are catching up with you two. I'm sure the recruiter never told your husband about the separation anxiety... Amazing, starting pay for an enlisted wo/man makes the family eligible for food stamps and this is an individual that is willing to lay down life for country...absolutely pathetic, don't ya think?

...and ya know, your mother would be fine here. Even with what you've already posted regarding YOUR thoughts, she would be okay. Believe it or not, she probably shares a lot of your fears....

Take care,

Becky