kim Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Hi all, My dad got a letter from a lady at his bank. This was a PERSONAL letter, and had nothing to do with his banking. All I know is that in this letter she told my dad that her husband just up and divorsed her. My dad doesn't know what to think of this. It's been 41 yrs. since he was on the dating scene, and doesn't know if this is a hint or what. I told him he has my blessing with whatever and whomever he decides to pursue in his life. I know he is really lonely, but he thinks it's to soon. (Mom has been gone 9 months today) She told him 2 days before she died that she wanted him to wait 3 months before after she died before he went out and found him a blonde. She said it jokingly, but there was some honesty to those words too. She wanted my dad to go on living and if that ment another woman in his life, then so be it. She is a very nice lady, I have met her before and my mom knew her well, but I just really don't know how I would feel if something came of this. I don't feel like there would be a betrayal, but that I couldn't be myself when I would visit, not able to be "mom and dad's" daughter and do as I please, it would be her house; whoever it might end up being. I guess I'm putting the cart before the horse, but it just feels weird thinking about another woman in my "mom's house". I didn't think it would bother me, but the more I think about it, I guess it does. I would never tell my dad this, because all that is important is his happiness. And, I must admit, it would be nice to know someone was taking care of him. Sorry to go on like this, but this has become the best place to air things out. I've been missing Mom a lot lately and I really think Nicolas, soon to be 7 yr. old, is too. He has really been acting out lately. He has been very clingy to me, and not wanting me to go to work because he's afraid I won't ever come back. When I asked him why he would think that, he says his grandma Net left him and didn't come back. It's really hard too because this is his first b-day without her. Any suggestions? How do I deal with his anger directed at me when I think it that there is more to it than just being mad at mom. Any suggestions to either topics would be greatly received. Leave it to me to write a book! God Bless, and prayers for all, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindi o'h Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Well, my Dad had a woman from the bank pursue him too! She was widowed twice before. None of us kids liked having her around either, but my Dad did seem to like her. And, I guess that is all that really mattered. I questioned him about her motives since she knew of all of his business and finances. He wasn't bothered by that at all. It takes awhile to get used to the "idea" of having another so close to the family. good to hear from you as always. Cindi o'h Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kim Posted July 7, 2005 Author Share Posted July 7, 2005 Thanks Cindi, I was worried about that too, since she works at his bank. I'll keep an eye on the situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Yep, it is really up to your dad, and I am glad he thinks it is too soon for him. The red flag I see is the matter of her divorce -- just when did this happen? If it is recent, she needs time not to rebound and to get over the first relationship. I am taking this from a good friend who is divorced, remarried, and used to counsel divorced persons. He says it takes a good 1 1/2 to 2 years to get over a divorce after the DECREE. Just something to think about for your dad. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Kim, my views on this subject may be a little different but...here goes. I can fully understand yur concern and feelings of betrayal. I experienced this with my three sons when I met someone and started dating. In my case, the problem was one thing...the new man in my life was NOT their dad. Like your mom, Dennis had stated that he wanted me to go on with my life. It took a long time for me to get to that point but I have found that life is better when it is shared with someone. I can understand your protective feelings regarding your father. You probably feel he is very vulernable right now, which he probably is. What you need to remember is this. Just because your father decides to see someone does not make him love your mother any less. It helps to fill a void in his life and give him companionship. This lady may not be the perfect person for your father and it is very good for you to lookout for him. Just remember that your father is probably very lonely after losing your mother. He needs your love and support, now more than ever. If he does find someone thatbhe wants to spend time with, be supportive. By doing this, you are not betraying your mother. I know this is a very tough issue for you to deal with but I know you are a wonderful and understanding young woman!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kim Posted July 7, 2005 Author Share Posted July 7, 2005 Thanks Don and Ann, I think dad thinks it's to soon, but I will stand behind him al the way; just as he has me all my life. I DO hope he finds someone, if that is what he wants, but in his own time. I told him it would be nice for him to have some female companionship to go out to eat with or to the movies. It doesn't have to be a love relationship if he doesn't want it to be. Who knows, maybe that was what her letter was all about. I just want him to be happy again. Any advise about Nicolas you two! I could use some! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Kim, I am so proud of you!!! It sounds like you have a wonderful attitude regarding your father's happiness! You're a wonderful daughter! As for Nicholas...I don't have a lot to offer in the way of advice. I have a friend you recently lost her husband. Her son is a little older than Nicholas and is an only child. He was very close to his dad and since his death has been a real "problem child." His behaviour is bad at home and at school. Connie has really had her hands full. She had been trying to use the "gentle" approach and keep him very sheltered from real life. He had experienced many of the same fears that Nicholas has had and had asked many of the same questions. Connie finally explained a lot about death to him and let him know that her health is very good. Kim, sometimes these little folks understand a lot more than we give them credit for. This is a very tough situation to handle but I know you have the love and understanding to make this situation alright. If you feel you need help, have someone professional talk to him or give you some pointers. Death is a very hard issue for any of us to deal with and I can only imagine the fear and insecurity it must instill in a child. I'm saying prayers for you and Nicholas! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daddys Little Girl @ 35! Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Kim, I'm not sure what to say about Nicolas because I know that each child is different. I think that it probably will just take time and that you just need to make sure that he knows that you will always love him. Sounds like he was pretty close to Grandma! Maybe trying to get him to remember all the good times that they shared and bring up funny stories that he can laugh, or even cry, about to help him with his grief??? Just a thought. As far as your dad dating, I think that anything that helps to lessen some of the loneliness that he feels is great. My mom and dad were married for going on 48 years and at first I was dead set against Mom dating anyone. Now when I visit her I can see the loneliness setting in and it breaks my heart. I wish I could be with her more than what I'm able to. Just taking her out to dinner once in a while doesn't seem like enough! I'm sure that whatever your Dad will decide to do will be the best for all of you. And I love reading your posts, I love knowing just how much care and love you pour into your family. Good luck! Mary Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kim Posted July 8, 2005 Author Share Posted July 8, 2005 Thank you all for your caring words! I got the word last night from my sister, that my dad had a date with the bank lady. It went really well. I think right now dad needs the company, like you said Mary. The only thing I worry about is that she works at the same bank he banks at and probably can get access to look at his accounts. She told dad that her husband just up and served her divorce papers and now he is filing bankruptcy. Something just doesn't click here with me. I just want him to be careful and not get burned. Mom and Dad's courtship was a whirlwind; both just divorced and married 1 month after dad's divorce was final. I guess I should express my concerns to him and just tell him to keep his eyes WIDE open, and that I'm VERY happy he has someone to do things with and if it progresses to more than that then that's okay too. Thanks for letting me speak this out loud, in a way, it helps me to realize what my true feelings are. It's so nice to know that you all are here for me even after my mother's death. I believe God has a path for each of us to follow, and my mom's death brought me to new, and wonderful friends. THANK YOU! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Kim, I think you should definitely voice your concerns to your Dad and gently remind him that the bank lady has access to all of his financial information. At the same time, let him know that you are supportive of his decision to seek friendship. I think this will put you in a win-win situation with your Dad. I have to agree, that it's a bit strange that the "bank lady" sought your Dad out and wrote him a letter!!! Hopefully your Dad will air on the side of caution and take this nice and easy!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kim Posted July 8, 2005 Author Share Posted July 8, 2005 Ann, I think he will. Especially if I bring it to light. He is getting ready to retire sometime next year and he is working hard to pay everything off before that. I might mention prenupts, just to get gears a cranking if things come to that. I've talked to my aunt about this too, and she certainly doesn't have a problem talking to her brother about it. I really feel that dad will take things slowly. He just wants someone to go do things with right now. He told me that this was what he worked his whole life for, to be able to retire and go places with mom. Now, he has the money and no one to go with. ..... The saga continues!..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Kim...I'm keeping my fingers crossed...for you and your dad. Kim, this is just a thought but do you know someone else that you might introduce your dad to. That might work best for both of you. Dad would have companionship and you would rest easier knowing a bit more about the lady he is spending time with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryanne Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Hi Kim, I am kinda confused about this bank women. I guess she knew that your mom passed away. I don't know she may be legit but then again some things just don't seem kosher. This is like a mimi soap opera. You must keep us posted as my curiosity is getting the best of me. Maryanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kim Posted July 9, 2005 Author Share Posted July 9, 2005 Ann and Maryanne, my mom knew her well; she would even see my mom at the moneymover at the bank and run out and see how she was doing with her chemo! My dad never met her till mom passed away. When they had their date she asked dad to take her to mom's grave site because she didn't know where she was at. My dad said she saw a headstone with a cabin and lake on a mountain and she said that that was my mom. That was what she would like; the funny thing is, she's right. She didn't know where mom was because she didn't know mom was gone until I took dad into the bank to fix their accounts the next week; we hadn't enough time to publish in the local paper because it's a weekly publication. I think they talked about mom and her about her husband. I think right now it may be someone for each to talk to and have companionship. I live 3 hours away so I don't know anyone who I would set him up with. I don't think dad is ready for a relationship, just someone to do things with. Will try to keep you up on the saga. I always thought I would only go through this with my kids, not my dad!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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