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First I want to say thank you for this wonderful website! It has answered many of my questions in the past 4 years.

Four years ago my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer and had her left lung removed. Although I only posted a message once, I looked to your website daily for information during that time. Recently, she has been again diagnosed with cancer in her remaining lung and isn't expected to make it to Christmas. She has decided not to have any more treatments or tests and just wants to be comfortable and pain free in her own home. Yesterday we met with Hospice and they will be assisting us with this process.

I have sooo many questions and thoughts running through my head that I don't even know where to begin.

I am ready and willing when the time comes to move in with her (I live 2 hrs away) and be with her during her remaining time on earth, however, she strongly disagrees with me and doesn't want me to. I am hoping as this horrible disease progresses, she will come to realize that she will need my help and that I need to be with her. My only concern is one of the counselors at the hospital indicated that it is best if you have two caregivers that can alternate giving care. There is only me. Will I be able to do this alone?

Another question is, while she is still able, I want her to do the things she loves to do. She loves the ocean and I would like to take her for an overnight visit but she is on oxygen as needed right now and she is still smoking (which I'm I am now at peace with). Will hotel rooms allow me to bring her there?

Like I said, we just found out two days ago and maybe these questions seem a little strange but I just want her to enjoy what little time she has and I don't want her to feel like she has to sit around and wait to die.

Any thoughts or words of wisdom is welcome.

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Hi Starr(?)

First I want to say welcome and sorry you need to be here. This past Dec my Gram was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and chose no treatment. Hospice was the best help. The time may or may not come for you to move in with her. My gram lived alone up until 2 days before she died. My father and I would just alternate going over there. It can be ALOT for one person to handle and while you may be able to, if you can possibly hire a caregiver to maybe come a couple hrs a wk to sit with her or clean or cook, laundry.... it would be a tremendous help. My Gram felt bad that I was always there and I told her I needed to be there for me(sometimes people don't want to be a burden)I can only give you my experience of taking things 1 day at a time. My Gram and I Talked about everything. We went thru old pics and planned every detail of her funeral, we talked about her being reunited with my Grampa who died of lc a few yrs ago. We did as many of the things she wanted as we could as you should do with your mom. Just make sure you ask her thoughts before making plans and call ahead to make sure the oxygen won't be an issue when you get there. I am so sorry you have to go thru this, I also lost my mom at age 41 to lc when I was 23. If you and your ((Mom)) can be at peace with this it can be a wonderful time together. I was with both my gram and mom when they passed and they were the 2 most moving moments of my life. Please ask if you have questions. When I came here I had wonderful help and hope I can give a little back. You're not alone. Prayers to you and your Mom.

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You sound so caring and supporting, she is so lucky to have you looking out for her.

Many hotels have entire floors designated as 'smoking areas' I know the many Fairfield Inns and Omni hotels have this, just call around and ask for a smoking room.

Good luck, you're doing a great job.

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It is a hard place you are in, and I'm so sorry you have to be there.

I agree with Katie. Explain that you want to be there for her for YOU. Yes you will be caring for her, but I came back to take care of my Mom as much for me, as for her. My Mom, I believe, struggled with the idea that I *her baby girl, her daughter, the one SHE was supposed to be taking care of* was taking care of her. So if you can make it sound as if you being there is as much about you as anything, I think she will understand. And then remember that while you are caring for her. I think it was Sharyn here who told me that she was given the advice to: Be the daughter as long as you can be. Yes, you're going to be caring for your Mom and that will look like a caretaker role... but remember she still needs to be the Mom, and to feel that that is what she is.

Hospice will be a great help, and a lot of them have people who volunteer and may be able to 'spell you out' a bit. When we get to these moments there are ideals, and then there is what you have to work with. Having two caregivers might be ideal. If you don't have that, then work with what you've got. With Hospice checking in on you, chances are they'll help you to realize if you're in over your head, and help you get some help in there for you both if you are.

I'm sure you know this already, but just in case, they have portable Oxygen tanks that you can take with you if your Mom wants to go to the ocean and what not. My Gramma travelled about 1500 miles with one at one point. And as Katie said you don't need to tell the Hotel about the smoking AND oxygen issue. Just be sure she isn't doing both things at once.

We're here when you need to vent, or cry, or need some words to lift you up.

(((((Hugs))))) to you.

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Here's a website with info on all kinds of travel for people using oxygen.


I agree with the advice given by many here to go ahead and move in with your mom. I'd tell her you're doing it for yourself - you want all the tiem you can have with her. Very often even the most stoic and independent people find out they are very relieved to have a loved one help out even if they think they don't need it.

Sending caring thoughts and strength to you and your mom.


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