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Getting to know you...November 21


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Good thought provoking question Ann. Kinda makes us have to deal with those things in life that we would rather bury in the sand.....

I think I was just depressed and overwhelmingly sad. Couldn't fathom that My Rock might die. I had some bouts of irritation, usually with the hospital, etc.

But now, the first holidays without Jim are approaching and I'm a little ticked off. Can't identify the who or what, just ticked and would push the calendar to Jan 2nd if I could. I'm usually pretty cheery so I don't like to see this side of me. Trying my best (well, okay, trying a little bit) to rid myself of this and carry on.

Okay, Ann, I had to admit this to the world now! Guess I better work on it!

Good question,


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I don't think I ever felt anger -except at one horrible nurse when I was first diagnosed and couldn't talk because I had a ventilator down my throat and was still too weak to write anything legible. She seemed to deliberately have no clue that I needed my throat suctioned and seemed not to understand me when I pointed at my throat. "Sorry, honey," she'd say on her way out of the ICU room, "but I can't figure out what you're trying to tell me. Get some sleep now, okay?" If you've ever had a ventilator tube down your throat and felt that awful urge to cough or clear your throat, waiting for suctioning can feel like days! I had just come out of forced sedation after 9 days and didn't really understand what was going on.

I used to fantasize what I'd say to her when I finally got the thing out and could talk (nothing nice, I can assure you!)But, by the time I was able to talk, 24 hours later, I didn't care if I ever saw her again. I just wanted to get well and go home.

I mostly felt fear and terrible sadness in the first months because I thought I would die and would leave Mark to live out the years alone. Otherwise, getting cancer has felt like any other unexpected hardship in life. I've learned as much as I can and committed myself to a plan of action. So far, so good.


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I didn't realize how angry I was until after I lost Johnny. My first reaction was determination. I wanted to give him everything that he had missed in his life. I also wanted to make sure that I was on top of everything. Later when the anxiety started I was lost. After his death I was angry at myself for losing patience at times. I also realized how angry I had been at his kids for not helping us or him before I got there. I'm afraid that I reacted very badly to their behavior and pointed it out to him. He didn't want to believe the way they were acting and I forced him to see it. I still have a problem forgiving myself for that. It didn't hurt them but him instead.

I still fight the anger especially when I see someone who is not treated right or given the respect that they deserve. I won't even go into the feelings his treatment have left with me toward the medical profession. That has gotten me into hot water more than once. Suffice it to say that I still fight that anger and even praying about can not ease it. The thing is I have learned to use the anger. I think it is because of that that I am a good caregiver. I am determined that the people I care for do not fall through the cracks like Johnny did.

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