Inkerdoodler Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 My wonderful Jim passed away a month ago. Now his sister, who also had NSCLC (diagnosed at stage IV 5 years ago) has just undergone her second surgery -- a lobectomy on the other lung. She came east and attended services for Jim and we spent lots of time together and she is more a sister than a SIL to me. Last night we got a call and learned that she had to be intubated because many of her vitals were unstable after the surgery. They are going to try to wean her off it today. Learning about the intubation was heart wrenching and revived our memories of our entire family's meeting with the ICU medical team caring for Jim. They had told us that when an advanced LC patient has to be intubated it's very unlikely they will ever come off the respirator, and that putting him on it would be extremely uncomfortable and frightening, and that he would be unable to talk, and that it would not represent any improved quality of life for whatever time he had left. We made the decision NOT to intubate, so when I learned about his sister I panicked. Now if they are able to get her off the respirator, I am agonizing over whether or not we made the right decision... could we have given him more time? Did we actually cut his life short by our decision? Do all families go through these periods of second guessing the decisions that were made?? I know I need to trust that we made our best decisions based on the information that was provided to us, but I am struggling with the feelings of anger and confusion in the the event that he might have had more time. I know we didn't want him to suffer any more, but I would give anything for a few more minutes or days with him. Sandy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dihen Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 Dear Sandy, I think all families second guess the decisions they make with/for their loved ones. I don't know you at all on a personal level but from reading your posts I know you really loved Jim, so don't drive yourself crazy...just look into your heart...and know that all the decisions you helped Jim make or made for Jim, you did so because you loved him!!!! God bless you and give you peace! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kasey Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 ((((Sandy)))), You made the right decision. Please don't go that route............second guessing. It is unproductive and gets you nowhere. You did all you could for your wonderful Jim and loved him to that last moment. And that is all there is to be said about it. Praying for you and you dear SIL. Kasey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trish2418 Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 (((((((Sandy)))))) Jim is at peace and I'm sure he would want you to be at peace with decisions made from love. Take care of yourself and my prayers go out to your SIL. Trish Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tnmynatt Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 Sandy, I know you made the right decision. Sometimes, intubating can be just to stabilize a patient for a day or two (due to surgery, trauma, etc.)...and not the same situation you were in at all. Take care. I am praying for you and your family. Hope our husbands have met and are having a fun time--as fun as they can have without us by their sides. LOL! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don M Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 Sandy, I am sure that everyone second guesses everything in this cancer game. I have done it for myself a bit, but I don't dwell on it. Please be at peace. I know it is not the same, but I rather fancy that our loved ones don't go to some far away place when they die. They are right here with us. We just can't have dialogue with them or see and touch them like we used to do. I talk to my dad and my brother and friends in my heart and my mind who have died. I hope your sister soon comes off the intubator without any problem. Don M Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stephi Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 Sandy, please re read the above from those who have been there. You took such good care of your Jim and did all the right things for him. When the time came to do what was best for him ..you did. sending you hugs of comfort and prayers for peace.. Stephi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginnyde Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 Oh Sandy, don't play the woulda, shoulda, coulda game. As they say hindsight is always 20/20. You took care of Jim to the absolute best of your ability and your love, please remember that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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