Memorial Service

[Remembering Dave]

The Palliative Care ward where Dave died had a memorial service last night for everyone who had died there in the last year. Faith and I went and my Dad came along (he didn't think I should go alone but I think he really needed it too). I at first thought to go just because I really loved all the caregivers in that unit and wanted to respect them with my attendance. but after I got there I realized how much I needed it. I saw a few of the nurses that took care of Dave, the one volunteer who coached me Dave's last day - told me he thought Dave needed to hear from me that it was OK to leave (so I did, and he did), etc. Everyone was thrilled to see us and especially thrilled to meet Faith - because she was the sole reason Dave fought so hard, fought longer than he probably should have - and they knew that taking care of him. it was like being at a family reunion.

this ward is very unique. it was the first of its kind in the U.S. and the NP who started it (along with one of the onco docs there) goes around the country speaking and consulting other hospitals on setting up similar palliatve care wards. I decided back then, and haven't wavered from that - that one day I want to be an active on the floor volunteer there - but it's impossible right now with working full time and taking care of Faith. I'm thinking once she's in school I may be able to do flex time at work and get every other friday off - and spend them there. I NEED it! but for now I committed to coming up and having lunch with Ray the volunteer every Tuesday that I can - to keep a presence there and keep my comfort level up. that will help me stay motivated to jump in when I'm ready.

It's very small - 11 bed ward - and it was mind boggling how many names they read off for each month in the last year - names of people who died each month. Must have been 30 a month - one a day . . . in an 11 bed ward. the staff, the volunteers, the chaplains, the docs - all VERY spiritual and respectful and I believe that is a top criteria for working there, but I still don't see how they do it.

and now I'm facing my first mother's day without my mom, and my first mother's day as a mom without Dave to help Faith do something for me (that sound selfish and it's not a strong feeling but another reason to miss him - he always was good about stuff like that). I decided to do something for ME for a change, so this afternoon I'm getting a new haircut and . . . some color or highlights for that grey!!! and I think I'll take Faith with me and hit Nordstrums over the weekend and get a makeover or something - Lancome or Estee Lauder? any advice???? I've only been a drugstore-makeup user in my life. and I haven't worn ANY makeup for years.

But it's weird to not have my mom to do anything for. her cemetary is sort of strict on the flower thing and my Dad has a really nice fake arrangement in the one alloted brass vase. I guess I'll just talk to her and thank her for being such a good mom.

and I know it will be hard for Dave's mom to have her first mother's day without her only son. Faith and I will be sending her something but in true Chapman style I'm late getting it in the mail . . .

Ok, rambled enough. Two weekend trips coming up for me and the little pumpkin - one to the outer banks for a long weekend with another single mom of an adopted chinese girl - we're friends and our daughters are the same age and buddies - then another NYC trip over memorial day weekend. really excited about that. Faith loved NYC and she became an expert subway rider in short time.

well better run, thanks for the ramble!

Karen

and Faith

always remembering Dave

[Cindy RN]

[Treebywater]

I'm so glad you checked in. I wish that we were closer, cause I'd take you out for Mother's Day. It's a sucky one here too, but so different than the one you are having.

Thank you for sharing your heart and a little that's going on with you... I miss hearing your voice here.

Give Faith a squeeze from us, and know that I will be thinking of you on Mother's Day. I hope you revel in your self-pampering.

[palves]

Sounds just like what you needed. Gave you some spirit I think.

I hope Faith can make something for you in school. My thoughts and wishes for you to have a peaceful weekend. I know you will be missing Dave and your mom, but pampering yourself a bit will be good - try MAC makeup. I love it.

Enjoy your trip with Faith, especially to NYC. What are you doing there? I live in NJ, just a train ride away. I'd love to try to meet you with my little girl if you would want. PM me at palves@optonline.net

Paula

[Remembering Dave]

I just wanted to say that mothers day wasn't so bad. I don't know why I even had a few days of doubting it. my dad and I agreed - EVERY day is hard when someone who is a part of every aspect of your life is gone. why should one single day be any harder than another?

He felt bad for me I think and fixed a delicious dinner mothers day. leg of lamb! my mom would have NEVER fixed lamb. I think he's doing all this stuff my mom didn't want to do now that he can which is really kind of funny. although he's very sad, too.

I'm going to the outer banks this weekend with a single friend and her chinese daughter who is Faith's age and they're buddies. my friend mentioned to me that she HATES riding in the car on road trips. that really really made me miss Dave. we LOVED to get in the car together and take a road trip. for some odd reason we got along better in the car than any other time. that was something special we had that I doubt I'll ever have with another person - girlfriend or otherwise.

Karen

[ztweb]

Karen,

You sound like such an amazing person. You are so strong and give strength to the rest of us. The ward Dave was in sounds awesome, and I look forward to hearing more as you begin to volunteer. It is amazing what this can do for our spirits. Your Faith is a dolly, and has an amazing mom. I hope you enjoyed your highlights, shopping trip, and mother's day, though seated in a difficult loss. God has blessed you with a wonderful family, and for that I know you are thankful...God bless you Karen!

[Remembering Dave]

I'm making a rare appearance on the board thinking about Dave today, and looked at this post of mine - Faith and I have had our trips to the beach and NYC - both went well and was so much fun. Faith is such a good traveler. maybe she's got it in her blood having made her first big trip at 14 months of age, coming home to the U.S. but she loves to be on the go and did awesome in the car to the beach and through the airports and on the airplanes to NYC. that kid thrives on adventure! We had so much fun in NYC, went all over midtown, the Bronx Zoo, rode the train out to our friend's house in Yonkers, and everywhere we went she made a friend. She had every foreign speaking taxi driver smiling and making conversation with her. A lady on the train on the way back from Yonkers took off her bracelet and gave it to her (because Faith told her she was pretty - and she really wasn't . . . !), etc. So I've decided, I THINK, to sell my house I've been in for one year, and buying into a new townhouse community. I like mowing the grass and stuff, it's sort of satisfying, but it's time away from Faith. I'd rather have a comfy place to live but the freedom to be on the go with this kid. and here it is a year later, and both Faith and I have grown and changed and adjusted to our family being just the two of us (for the time being anyway LOL) and now I know what WE are like together! It's sort of like something new being born out of a loss.

well, enough rambling - just feeling lots of stuff today.

God Bless,

Karen

[carolhg]

It is good to hear from you. I pray that God Bless you and Faith.

[shineladysue]

Hi Karen,

It's hard to believe it has been an entire year since David passed. It's good to hear that you and Faith are adjusting well. She sounds like such a little doll and a real blessing. God Bless the two of you.

Love,

Sue

[Ann]

Karen, it sounds like you and Faith had a wonderful trip and are enjoying some well deserved time together. I think it's a wonderful idea to invest in some matching "traveling shoes" for the two of you!!! You are such a great mother to be thinking of ways to enable you to spend every available minute with precious little Faith. You are right...taking care of a house takes a lot of time and effort. I'm sure the two of you would be very happy in a townhouse community. You could spend more time together and have a lot less home owner associated headaches. It's so good to hear from you. I can tell that you're fingers are typing in a much happier mood.

[Remembering Dave]

Ann, you always know exactly what to say - never too much, right to the point, right ON point!

Guess what, we DO have matching traveling shoes! Anyone familar with Crocs? we have tan colored ones, both of us, we wear them with socks when traveling, so we look really nerdy but we're really comfy! I wore them on our marathon walks through Central Park and all through midtown Manhattan and my friend said it was OK because in NYC you can look any way you want to. So I sent him a pair and he said "oh, they're great, but are you kidding, I'm not wearing them in public" I really had to razz him about that - can't you look ANY way you want to in NYC? he said the other engineers he works with would give him a hard time. guys. so macho.

ok now I'm babbling.

I'm pretty fired up about the townhouse idea and darn it all it won't be built until next May - a whole year! but gives me plenty of time to get my act together. and you know, all of my furniture that I just bought after moving into this house will fit into it! it's only 200 square feet smaller than my house. it's kind of weird because I wanted to "downsize" but what I'm doing is downsizing my life I suppose. and it does have one less bedroom - three instead of four . . . after all.

which reminds me. in NYC Faith took her crocs off and her socks. she was in the stroller. she's really big for the stroller but it works and we didn't want to carry her around everywhere. so every now and then before I'd realize it she'd hop out of the stroller barefoot and walk over to look at something, etc. when we were waiting for our flight in the airport I said you need a bath your feet are black. they were. so she got into my bag and got out the Wet Ones and scrubbed the bottom of her feet clean. Ok, Mommy, now I don't need a bath! gggrrrhhh, that kid outsmarts or at least thinks she does every time. guess what - she got her bath as soon as we got home!

I have a social worker friend who has pegged her as having "active alert disorder". cause her mind is always spinning so fast towards the next thing. drives me crazy.

Karen