Facing what should be a happy day without my mom

[ErinC1973]

And here we are, coming up to yet another important day that I will have to get through without her. Mother's Day, I swear, was the day of what I call "the thaw." It's like my shock melted away and the reality of my mom being gone forever hit me. Ever since then I think of her ALL the time. My heart feels as though there is a constant weight on it. Everything bothers me lately; we went out to dinner a couple of weeks ago and I broke down right there at the restaurant because I felt guilty for even going out to dinner. We never really went out when my mom was alive, except on special occasions when someone else was with us, because it was rather hard for just Stu and I to handle my mom in her wheelchair and the twins. Of course when I was pregnant on bedrest we never went ANYWHERE, and that's when my mom's condition deteriorated pretty quickly. Last weekend Stu said something on Friday night about going somewhere Saturday morning, and I was about to say, "we can't, Mom has dialysis." My mom had dialysis Saturday mornings from 10:30am till 1:30pm so we just either stuck around the house or did errands close to home while she was dialyzing. It feels weird to do anything now, I feel guilty for having the freedom now and I just don't think we should be doing anything else during that time--it's like that time still should be dedicated to her. I know it probably makes little sense. Not much I do seems to make sense these days. Stu will look over at me and I have tears streaming down my face at odd times. And these are just the times he knows about. He doesn't know how many times I cry when he's not around.

So...Saturday is Ian's Christening. A big day for our sweet new baby. Tomorrow he will be 3 months old. Thursday my mom will be gone 4 months. I told Stu tonight that I know Saturday will be VERY hard for me. My mom should be there. It was hard planning everything without her. I agonized for days about what kind of food to get from the caterers and that's something she would have helped me with. I could go downstairs into her bedroom and sit on her bed and say, "Ok, this is what I have planned so far...but I don't know what to do here..." and then she and I would come up with some solution together.

And it is really hurting me that NONE of Stu's family is coming to Ian's Christening. His parents are going on vacation, and so is his one brother and their family, and his other brother acts like they live so far away they can only come for one visit per year and this is not important enough to warrant a visit. My mom would not have missed this for ANYTHING. So not only do I get to face the day without my mom, I get to seethe the whole day about my husband's family, feeling like they have ruined Ian's special day.

Sorry to dump all of this...I'm just missing my mom a lot these days, and of course because of that every problem seems to be magnified a thousand percent.

[ztweb]

Erin,

I am sorry this is so hard. Know that you mom will be there in spirit, shining with God's light on your little baby. This is your day with your baby! Enjoy it, and think of how much fun your mom would be having helping you plan!!! God bless you Erin!

[Treebywater]

I relate very much to so much of what you've posted. I really do. It's just so hard... Especially doing the happy baby stuff, that should be so happy, but feels so empty knowing that our Mom's SHOULD be there.

As for not doing things because you feel guilty without your Mom, I think eventually you will get to a point when you will want to do them because you know your Mom would want you to enjoy them. I say that with a caveat though--don't 'should' on yourself, if you're not there yet. Just know that at some point, you will be able to say--Mom would want me to enjoy going out to eat, so I will.

GOSH can I relate to the feelings of inequity with the inlaws... Knowing that your Mom wouldn't have missed precious Ian's Christening for anything, but they can't make time to be there. I have the very same types of issues with my in-laws. It does hurt. I want to smack them, and it makes my anger at them that much more irrational. It hurts. I know.

Most of all just ((((hugs))))

It hurts, it hurts, it hurts... but somehow, we keep going.

love,

Val

[cmrsm]

I know how you feel. I just lost my father three weeks ago and it does not seem to get any easier with time. In fact I find it harder. I have a 3 year old and a 19 month old and they were my father's joy and reason for living 3 years.

Do not feel guilty, know you were there for her when she needed you the most and you loved her with all your heart. We have to continue on for our parents and for what they lived for. Their suffereing, pain and battle has finally ended and they are in peace. I too can also relate regarding inlaws, but none of that matters. Your mother is around you in everything you do and say, she is in your children. As long as you have your children and spouse that is all that matters. Don't let the other stuff trouble you or take over. It is just not worth it and probably wont change anything.

My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family.

Have a wonderful christening and enjoy (as much as you can) this special day for your son as your mother observes from above.

Cathy

[Welthy]

Erin,

Save a seat for her at the church. We did that for both of my parents when my brother got married. It helped to make us feel that they were with the family. Sounds weird, but it helped us, even after they had been gone for about 12 & 17 years.

My Mom's been gone 22 years this December, and it took a long time before the uncontrollable crying at strange times began to taper off. I had to leave a grocery store one time because I saw a Mother and Daughter together and I just fell apart. I used to go to the phone to call her to relay the latest news on my kids and suddenly remember she wasn't there anymore to take my call. It's really odd what will trip the flood of emotions.

I did find that the old adage "Time heals all wounds" did eventually kick in. I began to remember the good times and not all the horrible pain and roller coaster rides we went through with her ovarian cancer. There are still times that, when my Husband is doing poorly, I get very weepy about not having my Mom around. It's strange how the two have become intermingled for me.

I know that this is little solace to you while you are in the thick of mourning her loss, but take comfort in knowing better times are ahead for you.

Welthy

[bethluvswill13]

Erin-your mom will be watching her grandbaby's christening from above. She seems like a beautiful soul no wonder you miss her so.

[ErinC1973]

I want to thank everyone who responded to my original post. Saturday was a hard, hard day. Being so busy getting everything ready preoccupied me, but at one point during Mass, I broke down and couldn't get myself together again. The memories of when the twins were Christened came flodding back, and of course my mom was there, smiling proudly. When we were going up to the font for the Christening, my whole family was out there taking pictures, and I caught a glimpse of a woman in a wheelchair, and my heart skipped a beat. I actually had to look and see if it was my mom. And today when I was looking at the pictures on the computer, my aunt had taken one with my camera and somehow got a close-up picture of that woman in the wheelchair. But, it wasn't my mom.

Yesterday we went to look at houses. We're planning on outting our house up for sale next month. We'll be moving to the town my mom lived in after she married my stepdad and they built their dream house, before she had to sell and come to live with us. This has been the plan for about two years now, and my mom was so excited to be moving back there. I wished so much that she could come and help us look. I talked a lot about her while we were in the car yesterday. And then we went past her old house. Don't know WHAT to say about how I felt doing that.

I got a letter from the bereavement support group at church a few weeks ago, and I could only bring myself to look at it last week. I was amazed at how many things were said in there that I could relate to. It actually said that a lot of people will think I should be over my grief by now, but the hardest grief does not really hit for 4-6 months. I found that very interesting, as I have never seen anything about that before. It said I probably have feelings like my mom is coming back. Boy, do I EVER. My brain doesn't really understand (and I say it that way because it's like my brain feels disconnected from the rest of me most times) that I can't, nor will I ever again be able to talk to my mom about something (and have her respond). It's so confusing.

Stu said something really profound to me yesterday while we were in the car. My aunt (mom's sis) told me that my uncle (mom's brother) told HER that he misses my mom a lot and thinks about her often. You have to understand, my uncle is very wrapped up in his wife's family so this is a pretty big statement for him to be making. I told Stu it really touched me to hear that. I told him I have never ever felt this way, so strange and disconnected in so many ways. Not even when my grandma died and I wound up in the hospital for two weeks. I feel like I have all this freedom that I don't want. Stu told me that when my grandparents died, I was sad and grieving heavily, but I wasn't CLOSEST to the situation. My mom and her siblings were--my grandpa was when my grandma died. This time around I am the closest, so the grief is a lot different. It's true; I feel so lost, like someone tied a string around my wrist and my mom's at my birth, and someone came and untied the string now and I can't find my way to her. My time was so structured when she was alive, we had so many responsibilites to her that even though I am so busy with the baby and the twins and selling the house (and tons of other life-changing events these past four months), I still feel like I have all this time and I need to spend the time that we took to help her (drive her to dialysis, to chemo, etc.) looking for her, thinking of her. tonight while I was making dinner I kept thinking, "Mom loved this dish, and I was always so happy to fix it for her." I can't do too much these days without thinking of her. How can she be happy being without her new grandbaby, who is smiling so much now? Without the twins? They are growing and changing so much. She has to know how much I am hurting.

It's all so confusing to me. Why doesn't someone tell me they have seen her and they know she's doing just fine. Isn't she just "away?" I mean, she is coming back someday, right? I have so much to tell her, I'm not going to be able to remember it all if she waits much longer. I miss kissing her cheek, I miss the sound of her electric wheelchair when she was moving it around downstairs. Her cats miss her. I try to talk to them the way she did but I know they are confused, too. It's been four months, Mom. That's too long for you to be away from us. God, I feel like I'm going insane.

[Treebywater]

((((((Erin)))))))

It does feel like that, doesn't it? Like we're going insane? I think it's because our society doesn't like to tell you what REAL grief is. It's one of our biggest secrets, so we get there and think we're going to end up in the looney bin.

You are doing fine, honey. I've thought so many times over the last 11 months, "When is it going to stop feeling like everything is about Mom? Is that healthy?" I thought that and didn't want it to stop, and wanted it to at the same time. I don't know if it's healthy... but I am starting to be able to let Mom have a more normal place in my life. I still think of her every second of the day... I still make "Mom meals." I still wonder every time Carolyn giggles what Mom and her would have done, but somehow everything that happens isn't saturated in the grieving of Mom.

The loss of our mother's is tremendous. I think that is a fact I'm just starting to get my head around. You are doing ok. You aren't insane. You are just working to get your head around the idea that a gaping wound has just opened up in your life.

Keep sharing with us.

love,

Val

[Carleen]

(((Erin))) & (((Val)))

you both are doing just fine. It is natural to be feeling the things you are, like things are surreal and any moment your moms should be there. But maybe try and think about it in another way. Maybe the reason it feels like your mom is just away for a bit, and that she is still with you is because she really is.

I am sure in my heart, that your moms are hearing you as you through these things. They are seeing every one of those precious smiles from those babies. They are sharing the pride at Ian's Christening. They are still bound to you by the love you shared. They know what you are going through, and how much your heart is troubled and aches for them.

It seems like such a long time to be seperated from them, but years in heaven go by like seconds on earth. Soon enough you will all see each other again. When your moms died, it wasn't a "good bye", it was "until I hold you in my arms again later".

I wish there was something I could do or say that would make this easier for you or would comfort your pain. Just know that I am thinking of you and sending you mentally some really big hugs and lots of prayers.